My Faith, My Purpose

I get a little talkative when something is on my mind that is of this magnitude so I apologize in advance for the lengthy post....

I want to share my story with you. I know most of you, but some are complete strangers who have been compelled to read my blog for the title, or because a friend forwarded them my link, etc. But, I still have to be careful on a public blog because I know there are some crazies out there....You know those crazy people your mom warned you about? Well, for that reason, I won't divulge too much information, just a little background...

I come from a family of many many kids. Think about the Duggars and half their # of kids.... that's what I grew up with. Very Christian parents, very sheltered (you know, from those crazies I mentioned..) very poor, and we went to church every time the doors opened. We were Southern Baptist, we were Assembly of God, we were Non-Denominational, we were whatever God called us to be. Then, I was anti-church for many years. I didn't like the fakeness involved in so many people and religions. Lets face it, I drink occassionally, I smoked for many years off and on, and I have done things that I'm not proud of. Sure, who hasn't, but I wasn't about to go to church on Sunday and raise my hands, and sing songs, and be all like "glory, glory, hallelujah, amen" when I was out the night before. Ya know? That's not me. I'm not fake. I am real! So, if I woke up Sunday morning and was hung over, I skipped church. If I was too tired, I skipped. If I had other plans (you know...a pool party, or a day shopping, or pretty much anything else....) I skipped.

So, once I got married, things changed. I married a "non-believer!" (gasp). I had faith that he would accept Jesus as his saviour in due time, but I didn't want that to be a reason for our marriage to happen or not happen. I've never been one for ultimatums so "become a Christian or we can't marry" was not a question. Well, about 2 years into our marriage, he made the decision. Boy, was I excited. So, now we are completely yolked, and everything is complete. Right? Well, except one problem....I still was turned off by Church. So, we didn't go. We did yardwork, we went shopping, we did anything we wanted to. My faith started to fade slowly, but we were having fun living and just being. We were "non-practicing, non-fellowshipping" Christians.

Fast forward 5 yrs.... we had 3 kids now, we had moved to a new small country town and things were great. We had talked about finding a church home, but just never found time to go looking. Well, my last child, my sweet baby boy, was born with a serious birth defect. He had something called Craniosynostosis. So, I did lots of research, prepared myself, scheduled all his Dr visits, and scheduled his surgery. He had surgery at 7 weeks old and was in the healing process for about 2 months after that. Lots of Dr visits, helmet therapy, check-ups, etc kept us busy until the end of 2008. So, we made the commitment that January 2009 we would find a church home. We did. Slowly but surely, I started to re-gain my commitment to God. His surgery really tested my faith. I had lots of "what-ifs" and "how comes" and "why him" questions. I was angry, not at God, just at this defect in general and what it was doing to us. So, I had to rely on faith to get us through that hurdle. I also had to rely a lot on God, my faith in God, my faith in Scripture, and I prayed everyday that he would get through surgery and recovery easy. He did. Throughout the whole experience with him, I can tell you what I learned. I learned not to take my kids for granted, enjoy the crying and whining and fighting that they do and I learned that I was strong. I never would use that trait to describe myself, but people told me how strong I was all the time, so I began to see for myself what they were talking about. The most important thing I learned through it all was how much I love my husband and how wonderful he is. Our marriage was in a weird place. Not talking about the big "D" word, just weird. We were rarely intimate, I took him for granted, I wasn't positive in my words towards him and we were fighting more than usual. We hardly ever fight, and to just say that we fought once every other month was WAY out of the ordinary for us. One of our strongest features in our marriage is our communication (oddly enough, if you know my husband...but it is) and our compromise skills and I felt that we were losing that. So, let me just say.....after surgery, after recovery and once we were able to live our lives again without having such a heavy heart.....I FELL IN LOVE ALL OVER AGAIN WITH A HOT PIECE OF ASS!!! I found him so super sexy, so hot, so irresistable, etc... I'll spare details for my siblings sake. ;-) So, that's what my baby boys purpose was.....to save our marriage. I thank God everyday now for bringing him into my life and for providing me with the bestest husband ever.

So, we've been enjoying life lately. We've been living, and we've once again found other things to do on Sundays. (hand slap....I know)

I think we've only been to church a handful of times since New Years.

So, just as I'm starting to feel guilty about not going, starting to miss the friends I've made there, and starting to want to make it a priority again....BAM...I find my tumor. I'm wondering why me, why so young, what the hell? So, once again, my faith is being tested....only this time, I'm not angry. I was about a week ago, but I've gotten through all the tears, all the fears and all the shock. I'm totally fine now and ready to kick ass. We've resumed our church schedule again.

My lesson in all of this that I will learn... is this:
1. My purpose in life is to be a Mommy. No one is going to rob me of this. I HAVE to be around for my 3 young kiddos for at least 30+ years... Apparently Satan did not get the memo that he is jacking with the wrong person! I am stubborn (or at least I've been told), I am hard-headed (so I've been told) and I don't back down from a fight. This is no different. I will fight and fight and fight. I will not complain. I will not question God or anyone else. I will never show my fear around my children, and I will not be upset when I am bald and boob-less! (As my sweet cousin Russell told me today "Your beauty is not on your head, you will still be beautiful") Chris has already said he is shaving his head when I do and I already have awesome friends who offered to make a girl day, go have lunch and go try on wigs together. Sure, I'll get one...for other people's sake, and for special occassions but I'm also really looking forward to rocking it out Bret Michaels Style with a blinged out biker bandana and a cute hat! Besides, wigs can get hot sometimes and in Texas...we wear as little as possible on hot days. Right? or should I say "Can I get an Amen?" But I will definitely feel more comfortable in church with a wig than with a rocker bandana.... so I'm excited for that playdate! (Thanks Ju-Ju, Fee-Fee and Boobs Johnson)

2. If nothing else comes out of this, I will change at least one person's life! I will minister to at least one person, or touch someone who has a heavy heart. That's my mission....so go ahead and send my blog address out to anyone you know. I want to see my followers counts go up! I love to write, it's therapuetic for me, and I'll get to post silly pictures of me wearing silly wigs or silly hats. You all get to giggle at my silliness and we all need a good giggle once in a while.

Cancer has not gotten a hold of me.....I have the hold on IT!!! I will be here forever to fight, and I WILL WIN! I have too much faith, too much support, too many prayers and too many people on my side to be defeated. I have an army full of soldiers ready to open fire on this enemy!!!

Ta-Ta!