Writers Block

So, I haven't posted for about a week. I've had writers block. Well, not really writers block, but what I want to write will not come out good in "blog world", no matter how I write it. Someones feelings will get hurt, or someone will take it the wrong way. So, I've logged on to post and deleted it many many times. It came down to.....it's better left unsaid.

But, my beautiful cousin Teresa reminded me that I haven't blogged in a few days, so she needs something new to read. So, Teresa...this one is for you.

I've had 3 doses of Taxol and I am going tomorrow for my 4th. That means I am 1/3 of the way through Taxol after tomorrow. As for the side effects that "could" happen, they are minimal. I haven't been sick. They said you could get the "D" poops, but I've steered clear of that. They said you could get numbing or tingling in hands and feet. I've had minimal amounts of that. Nothing to stop me, just little twinges in my toes some nights. They said you could get muscle cramps, and the only thing I've had is some muscle and neck tightness. I've tried the hot water salt bath to relieve it, but the hard part is that I'm too tall to sink down in my garden tub to get my neck under water. So, I employ my nurse Chris to just give me a nightly neck/shoulder rub while I drift of to dreamland. They said your nails would lift off the beds. My nails are sore, and soft, but they haven't' really lifted yet. They said I would get tired, and that's about the only one I've noticed. I need my daily nap or I crash by 7-8pm.

Finally....the hair loss. They said my hair would thin, but everyone is different so they couldn't tell me how much. Last week, I started to notice a few extra strands on my hands when I was styling it, or a few extra strands on the towel. Now, it's to the point where if I run my fingers through my hair, it's definite that at least one or two hairs will fall out. I find them on my shirt throughout the day, and in the bathtub after I wash my hair. I am probably losing about 50+ strands a day now. It's getting harder to fix because it doesn't want to lay right because of where I've been losing from. I think this is probably the hardest thing to deal with during chemo. I will soon become a walking advertisement "hi, I'm bald....I have cancer". I haven't been able to go get a wig yet because it's hard to coordinate schedules with my hairdresser who is booked with back to school appointments through this week. It is something that she wanted to share with me as as special day, and we just haven't been able to make it happen yet. I was offered some lovely wigs from a friend of a friend of mine, but unfortunately, my big head won't fit into them without them sliding, and they are not the right color for my skin tone, so I'll be donating those to someone else going through chemo, but very thankful for the thought. I have lots of scarves and hats, but no clue how to tie them. I did figure out the bow (go figure) but it has to be done on a long scarf, not on a bandana.

So, that's it for my side effects. Most of my friends who have seen me lately say "you don't look like you're going through chemo". I have to say, I agree. We all have this pre-conceived notion that when someone goes through chemo, they are bed bound, looking all frail, sickly, not able to function, and not "like themselves". I function normally, I have no choice...3 rugrats. I am tired, but I wake up and function, then take a nap when the kids do, and then can function for a few more hours. I still make breakfast and lunches, I just make it easy stuff. I try to put on makeup and fix my hair when going out in public so I feel better about myself. Not for anyone else's sake cuz I could care less if someone else thinks I look like I've been hit by a mack truck, but I don't want to feel like that, so I at least cover up the dark eye circles, blush up the cheeks and wear some mascara while I still have my eyelashes.

Now, the FAC chemo that starts after Taxol, that one could probably knock me on my butt and call me a liar. But, for NOW, I am holding up just fine.

I do have "chemo brain" and "chemo nose" which is worse than anything you have when you are pregnant. I forget a lot, lose my train of thought, and can smell EVERYTHING! (so be warned that if you skipped your shower that day, I will know......)

I finally figured out a way to get in my daily vitamins, nutrients and wheatgrass. That stuff is NASTY, so I found a smoothie concoction that gets it all in there at once. (it's a purplish green color, but it's not that bad....just don't smell it, and you have to chug chug chug) It's pretty filling too, so that is my breakfast, followed by a chaser of coffee milk. (coffee milk is like "sugar with a bit of tea" the way we drink it in the south.....little bit of coffee with my milk that isn't really milk because I hate the taste of coffee) I've also switched to Stevia in the raw instead of Sweet N Low. Rumor has it, that sweet-n-low stuff causes cancer in lab rats, and well.....you know.... I don't want to take a chance of getting cancer. :-)

So, that's about all I can remember right now. I did want to say that once school starts, I welcome visitors, phone calls, etc. It's just too hectic right now with all 3 kids who never have anything to say to me until the phone rings. I'd like to get out of this hermit stage I am in, and maybe once I have my wig and feel better about my hair situation, I'll get out of the house more often, but think of me if you are heading out somewhere alone and want some company. Especially if it's a Tuesday and Grayson is in school.

Love you all!!!!