I am currently meeting with a Dr for my fatigue caused by cancer. She said it is a proven valid condition, but that no one knows why or how it happens yet. They are still doing research on why some people are affected by it, and some people aren't. Two people can have identical cancer, and be going through identical treatments, and one will get fatigue and one will not. I don't know if it's the fact that I have 3 children under age 7 draining all my energy, or if my body is fighting so hard to beat the cancer and it takes everything I've got....but one thing is for sure....it sucks! I have a moderate to severe case of it and I am on medication (Ridalin equivalent) to try and combat the fatigue I feel. It helps some, but one thing the Dr told me is "SAVE YOUR ENERGY FOR WHAT IS IMPORTANT!" She really stressed that to me. She said if you have people willing to do things for you, let them, so that you can conserve your energy for your children and family time.
Now I would love to clean my house, cook dinner, run errands, and be a super mom, but the fact of the matter is.... I cannot do it right now. I know people admire my strength and my courage, but inside, it is a HARD battle. One I would not even wish on my worst enemy. I am not much of a complainer, and I REFUSE to throw myself a pity party. So, if you were to ONLY read my blog and not actually talk to me, or spend any time with me...you might think I am stronger than I really am. People who actually spend time with me and talk to me can see that I am struggling.....physically and emotionally.
I struggle with the fact that my children have to do more on their own these days. At times, I feel guilty for sitting on the couch when there are things to be done. Truth be told, this is NOT my normal character. I am typically an "on-the-go" type of person. I rarely go anywhere anymore. Not by choice, but because I simply cannot muster up enough energy to go shower, get dressed and drive somewhere. Some days are better than others, obviously, and I can get stuff done. But, I never know which days I will have energy and which days I won't have even an ounce. I DO choose to conserve my energy for those hours when my children are home and need my help with homework, or want me to go outside and watch them ride their bikes. I conserve my energy for a quick trip to the grocery store. I conserve my energy for an hour of alone time with my husband sitting on the couch talking. Those are the things that are important to me.
Chris will often make me get out of the house with a friend. He will practically force me to go out some nights even if I don't want to. Granted, sitting on your ass at a girlfriends house doesn't expend hardly any energy at all, but at times, I still don't feel like I can do it. But he makes me go and I am thankful for that because I always feel refreshed and energized when I leave awesome company.
A typical day for me goes like this:
I wake up at 7:30, the kids have been dressed and fed already, and lunches made, thanks to my awesome husband. I brush my teeth and make my cup of coffee while the car is warming up. I drive the older 2 to school and return home with Grayson. (Kaylee even carries him out to the car for me, because she loves acting like his momma, and she will buckle him up) Grayson and I will lay on the couch for a little bit. He will do a puzzle, play with trains, or watch cartoons while I lay there. I muster up enough energy to make his lunch, or get him a snack if he needs it. But, it's a sandwich, or a nutri grain bar, or something easy. He lays down for a nap and I conserve enough energy to carry him up the stairs because it's important to him. When he lays down, I also lay down. I nap until he gets up. Then, we go back downstairs and lay on the couch again until it's time to go get the kids from school. We go get them and come back home. I help Kaylee and Brayden get their homework done, and I make sure they get a quick snack. Sometimes, people bring us dinner, and sometimes Chris cooks when he gets home. Often times, we re-heat something from the freezer or he makes grilled cheese sandwiches or macaroni for the kids. We eat dinner together as a family, and then it's bath and bed time for the kids. By this time, if I go upstairs, I stay upstairs because I simply don't have enough energy to go up and down the stairs any more for the day. If I don't go upstairs, the kids will all tell me goodnight and I'll take a quick nap while he is bathing them and putting them to bed. I spend an hour or so with him in peace and then I head to bed.
Now, some days, I have more energy and I actually get out and run a quick errand, or throw a load of clothes in the laundry, or run the vaccuum. I've even cooked a few times. Those days, and those small things make me feel accomplished. With Christmas lurking around the corner, I have a few more people to shop for before the kids are out of school. But, if I don't get out to do it, it's not a big deal.
I say all this to say: I am THANKFUL and so grateful for the people in my life who care enough to help. I have an AWESOME team of friends, (some of who I knew before all this, and some who I am getting to know now) who help by giving rides to my kids, cooking dinner for us, taking Grayson for a few hours so I can rest, cleaning or paying for a cleaning service, and even running an errand for me so I don't have to.
I have had people come help me out at my craft shows (I signed up for them last year and even though it's hard work, it provides a small amount of spendable cash for the holidays), I've had friends who call me and just get me out of the house for a quick coffee, or dinner, and I have friends who don't take no for an answer, and do things without me asking. I have not asked for any help, they have just done it. They are beautiful people and they all help in their own way. I am eternally thankful for those people. Those people show the true heart of Jesus and live as an example to others.
I've definitely seen people for their true self, and it's beautiful.
Until you go through something as life changing as this, you cannot fully understand what it is like to walk an inch in my shoes. It's horrible, but it happens. It happens to good people. It happens to people who don't deserve it. It simply happens.
I've also been chastized for "partying with the girls instead of cleaning my own house" and to that person, I have to say......
"Walk an inch in my shoes before you open your mouth and pass judgement on me. You have no idea what I go through on a daily basis. You have no idea how I feel. You have no idea how hard this is....because you don't really care to know. Leave my family alone and quit pretending like you care, because we all know you don't, and God sees your heart for what it really is. When you personally attack someone in my situation, you let everyone know how truly shallow and lonely you are. I pity you, but I still love you and forgive you in spite of your negative words and actions." May God bless you anyways.
Thank you again to all my "helpers" and "fairies" who have helped me out, without me asking. I adore each and every one of you. Without you, this battle would be a lot harder, and I wouldn't have as much strength.
Tiffany
Chris went with me to my final chemo. December 23, 2010. We had a good day celebrating and afterwards, I got to ring the bell that symbolizes moving onto the next chapter. 
That's me ringing the bell. Marking the end of this chapter and getting me one step closer to my final journey!!! We headed home and arrived to a mini party that my kids and my mommy threw together. They made posters, and blew up balloons for my arrival.
