Addictions and Adjectives

Ok, so MD Anderson has this really cool feature where you can access all your medical records online. You can read all your Dr notes and you can see all your reports (blood work, scans, US reports, pathology, etc). Well, I was looking through all mine and noticed something very weird. Well, not weird so much as a tad bit hurtful and left me dumbfounded.

Let me backtrack a minute and go off on a rabbit trail.... many who know me know that I have battled my weight my ENTIRE life. I always joke that Chris met and married me fat, so I know what my "limit" is before he finds me not so attractive. Seriously, I was 70 lbs above "normal" range on our wedding date. After we got married, I lost 60 lbs and was battling that last 10 stubborn pounds when I got pregnant with Kaylee. When I'm pregnant, I am very lucky and I don't have morning sickness. But, on the other hand, I gain a lot of weight. With each one of my pregnancies, I gained 47 lbs. Yep, the exact same amount with each one. But, I got it all off in between kids, but I never got those last few stubborn pounds off. After I had Grayson, I got closer to my "normal" range than I had ever been. I had 5 pounds to go when I got my cancer diagnosis. Now, this was not 5 lbs to goal weight, it was 5 lbs to normal weight. My BMI was just barely in the overweight column. So, I still wouldn't have been "skinny"...just normal. I'm totally happy with normal! I'm tall and I have a larger frame and broad shoulders, so if I got down any lower, I would seriously look like a walking stick. I just wanted to be a size 10 and 5 lbs would have done that. I was THAT close....

Well, I went into a small pity party/depression when I first got my diagnosis and before I even got to MD Anderson a month later, I had already gained back 8 lbs. Partly because I had such wonderful people bringing us yummy dinners (which was a lot of pasta and casseroles) and partly because I eat out of boredom and depression. Add to boot that we were constantly traveling here and there, all over town, for testing so we ate fast food a couple of times. Probably a few more than a "couple"...more like "stop and get me a diet coke from Sonic on the way....oh....and some cheese sticks". So, when I got to MDA, remember how much I loved the new Dr? Yeah, he was great..... now back to my original story....

His report said I was "a healthy vibrant young woman who came for a second opinion".... you see why I like Dr. Theriault? He is great! He thought I was normal and healthy.

A month later, I had to see a different oncologist because Dr. Theriault was on vacation and  I didn't care for the replacement guy very much. He felt more like he was feeling me up rather than checking my tumor size, and he was very "put off" by me....I just didn't get a good vibe from him and I was glad he wasn't my regular oncologist. Welllllll ....... he put in his report that I was "moderately obese"......

Seriously? Moderately obese? My BMI falls into the "barely overweight" column....even after gaining back those 8 lbs! MILDLY obese would have been less shocking than MODERATELY! He left me with my jaw open, dropped on the floor!

See how much ONE adjective can hurt some one's feelings? Now, of course I brushed it off because I know I'm not moderately obese....BUT PLEASE don't ever add weight to a woman...especially on paper!

Be careful when using adjectives when referring to overweight people. There is a HUGE difference between mildly and moderately when referring to weight....Plus, we already have a hard enough time battling weight, then you get diagnosed with breast cancer and are told "10-15 lbs is normal weight gain for breast cancer", and then what do you want to do? Yep....drown that sorrow with more food. One single adjective can be taken out of context so easily when it comes to describing someone. Fluffy, hugable, more to love, big boned, normal... all these are adjectives I've used to describe myself over the years.... I've even used the "F" word....yes, Fat, what were you thinking?  Never have I said moderately obese. Because I'm not!

I have addictions. I always have. I think everyone at some point in their life has addictions. You can be addicted to working out, addicted to your spouse, addicted to kissing your child's sweet cheeks, playing computer games, or it can be something more harmful...smoking, food, drugs, alcohol....

Well, mine has been for the longest time, smoking on and off (I'm a professional quitter) and food. I've had some healthy ones too like the ones mentioned above, and thankfully I've never battled alcohol or drugs, BUT a friend and I were talking not too long ago about which addictions are hardest to break... we decided food was the biggest addiction to overcome. Food is everywhere. Parties, get togethers, driving down the road, family's houses. It's easily accessible, not illegal and let's face it... you need it to survive. Not in mass quantities, and some people actually like eating healthy, but I don't. It's a chore for me. I'd rather have cheese sticks than a salad. I'd rather have macaroni and cheese than steamed vegetables. I don't care for a lot of vegetables unless they are covered in cheese, and I certainly don't watch my portion size. I do when I'm on a diet, but at times...the diet has GOT to go and I have to enjoy life. I've lived my entire adult life on a diet. I have far more important things to worry about right now. I try my best, but these steroids they give me before my chemo are making my hungry and if I'm hungry...I'm gonna eat. I don't have the energy to work out, and as much as I'd like to, it just doesn't happen. I pass my treadmill as I head to bed and say "tomorrow"....

Well.....apparently, tomorrow needs to be today. I stepped on the scale this morning....YUCK! Let's just say...I never do anything normal....I'm always an over-achiever! 10-15 lbs is normal? ....my ASS!!! Literally! Looks like I'll be hanging out in my yoga pants with an elastic waist this winter....or I have to go buy new jeans as I'm down to one pair of jeans and one pair of shorts that fit.

Yay me!