The first counseling session....

We had our first counseling session today. It was with a wonderful guy at our church who does Christian counseling for a living, but works for the church on the days he's not in his private office. Let me say, we were a little scared of the unsure.... We weren't sure what he would ask us, or really what we would get into. He deals mostly with crisis and family situations.


There were a few tears shed and a few tough questions. Like "what is your prognosis?" to which I answered "I don't know...they won't tell me" which then brought up "What do you think will happen?" and I answered "I know I'll be OK. God has already healed me, it just might take a yr for it to show up on the medical equipment. Between prayer and the chemo, my tumor is already shrinking, I just don't know how much until I get my next ultrasound". But, after talking with us for over an hour, we walked away with this:


"Y'all are awesome. Your marriage is very strong. I love that you can laugh about your situation. I love that you don't have fear. Fear and Faith are often equal in our lives and you both have chosen to let Faith be your option instead of Fear. You are doing a great job with the kids, answering their questions with just what they ask and nothing more, and answering honestly."


He was very shocked at my attitude and strength during this whole situation. Most people let fear consume them and focus so much on the negativity surrounding the word "cancer" and I showed nothing but the opposite. He loved that because I am not able to scrapbook right now, I am at least keeping a blog so that "just in case" my children will always have something FROM me about this journey, followed quickly by "but I think 20 to 30 yrs from now, you'll look back on these moments and laugh about them and reflect on them in a positive way". He agreed that laughter was the best medicine and he loves that we are able to laugh about it all. He liked my poker hand analogy a lot.....about how I have a hand of 4 aces and a King high....How can I not go all in and win?


He was amazed and humbled by Chris' strength and ability to just come home and pick up the pieces and fill in where I can't. He loves that he is focusing on me and the family and not turning his back out of anger or resentment. He actually told Chris that in the future, he feels like he could be a HUGE positive reinforcement in other men who need to "man up" in certain situations and he could teach them a thing or two.


He asked if we were mad at God. Of course, we answered honestly...."we are not mad at Him. He did not give me this sickness. He did know about it before I was even born though, because he knows every hair on our heads before we are even created. He knew I was going to have this fight, and He knew exactly when it needed to happen. I needed that big red stop sign on June 29, 2010! I needed the summer to get all the testing done. He already knew when it was going to happen, and he was able to control the events all leading up to it and the pieces all fell together in perfect timing....in HIS timing." (he was speechless) He said I am going to be a HUGE testimony and a HUGE influence in the future.


We are still not sure why us....why me....why now... and we may not ever know. We haven't really asked those questions since the first day of my biopsy. But, we are using this time to allow God to teach us what it is that we need to be taught, and allowing God to use us in whatever way he needs us in order to be completely drawn to Him and totally in love with Him. Whatever mission is ahead of us, we are ready to accept the task and succeed.

When asked about my fears....Death is the only fear I have. It used to be Death and Cancer, but now only death scares me. "Scared of dying or scared of leaving your children?" Both, but mostly of leaving my children too early and not having enough time with them. That's why we are taking our situation one treatment at a time and not looking into the future. Only God knows the future, and until that time comes, there is nothing we can do to change the outcome. He already knows the outcome, and I believe in my heart and I have Faith in Him that I will walk away cancer free and with no relapses!

We already know that we have drawn ourselves nearer to Him during this and we have put more Faith in Him than we EVER have. With everything we went through with Grayson, we thought we had learned our lesson.... to not take anything for granted and to enjoy every moment with every special person in our lives. But apparently, there is a new lesson to be learned. We don't know exactly what it is yet, and we don't know when or if we will ever know the exact reason for all this, but what we do know is that TOGETHER, WITH THE HELP OF GOD, WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS.


All in all...we are doing GREAT! It was nice to hear from someone who didn't know us before we walked in the door. He really didn't need to offer us any "advice" per-say, just told us to keep up the good work. He was really impressed with our attitude, strength, our marriage, and our Faith.


I also learned something about Chris today that I never knew in our 10 yrs of marriage. I won't go into details publicly, but WOW....he almost shed a tear. (For those who know him, that is a HUGE feat for him to overcome....he has never cried in front of me)


So, there is our confidential counseling session cliff notes version. Haha. I really am a good secret keeper, but I think there were a few things that I haven't touched on before in my blog, so I figured...what the heck...why not. It's all public, and I'm glad that I get to share my journey publicly and help someone else who needs to hear that laughter is the best medicine, and if you have Faith in God, you have everything, because with Him, nothing is Impossible...


I'll leave you with the 2 scripture verses and 1 positive breast cancer note on my 3 new bracelets (Thanks Megin, Lisa, and Amy)


2 Corinthians 12:10 ~ I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.


Phillipians 4:13 ~ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.


Healing Ribbons, Have Faith, Nothing is Impossible, Expect Miracles. (I love the "Expect Miracles"...don't just pray and ask for miracles...EXPECT them)


I wear these 3 bracelets on one arm every day, and on the other arm are my 2 pink bracelets ("Cancer Sucks" and a pink ribbon bracelet) and my Pink ribbon watch.


I love them all, and they are all so encouraging on my journey that I can't just pick one...so I'm all jewelried out....(is that even a word? Oh well...it is now)

Ta-Ta for now.....Enjoy! and as Bon Jovi would say.... "Keep the Faith!" Hahahaha

I figured out my pattern...

Wednesday's chemo was easy-breezy. (come on, you know you're singing "....beautiful...cover girl") I have finally figured out my rhythm and patterns to my side effects. Even though minimal, I do get a few.

So, here goes:
Wednesday: Chemo day....WIRED, chatty, and can't sleep well, even after sleeping pills.

Thursday: TIRED and can't usually sleep much because....I'm a Mom first, and I have kids.

Friday: EVEN MORE TIRED because I still haven't caught up on my 3-5 hrs of sleep from
Wednesday night, even though I nap when Grayson does. Headaches start to set in on Friday night. Toe tingling and numbing sets in.

Saturday: ACHY knees, achy joints, and sore neck. (Probably from holding up this big ol' head of mine) I get exhausted easily and can only handle about 4 hours of errands, or fun time before needing a nap. I also get a little irritable on this day. Not bad, but probably because I'm tired and cranky and don't feel like "myself". Headaches become a little more intense. Toe tingling extreme. Can't feel my toes usually and my toenails hurt.

Sunday: TIRED...TIRED....TIRED.... I can't say it enough. It's all I can do to muster up enough energy to go to church, and after Sunday School..... I am ready to go home and nap the day away. Headaches start to go away, and joint pains start to go away. Toe tingling is minimal.

Monday and Tuesday are my 2 "normal" days. Repeat process.....

Also, in case any of you are curious......LOSING HAIR MAKES YOUR FREAKING HEAD HURT!!! Yes, I know...yelling (in caps) doesn't make it any better, but I do feel better now saying it. I can't even explain the feeling. It's not like "pre-cancer" when I would lose a few strands, or even after I gave birth and lost quite a bit. My scalp feels like my hair has been in a ponytail ALL DAY LONG and hurts. Then, the little stubblies that are left are poking my head and whether I wear a scarf or my wig, they poke me. If I lay down (like to take that much needed nap) it hurts even more. It feels like I'm laying on a porcupine. Night caps, and I'm not talking about a shot glass of liquor before bed kind of night cap, the hair loss nightcaps.......they don't help. I've tried that. It also just hurts to touch my head. It feels like I'm poking a jello mold or something. My head is soft and mushy, but then prickly and hard at the same time.....I know that doesn't make sense unless you've lost your hair to chemo before. I just never knew it actually hurt to lose hair....it's dead already...that makes no sense to me.

I made it back to the gym this week! YAY! I only went 2 days, but it is a start. I actually RAN on the treadmill Thursday...the day after chemo. Not for a long time, but I RAN....at 5.0 speed ON AN INCLINE of 5.0 ....so who cares for how long...right? (it was over 5 minutes....just not gonna say how much over 5 minutes) I also did enough weights that I actually made my abs sore....(which needed it BAD). I guess you could say I'm "in training" for the Susan G Komen race on October 2nd, so I gotta keep it up so I can do the whole 5K without getting too winded....or throwing up, or passing out. HAHAHAHA (Hope my team is ready.....)

♥ We celebrated our 10 yr anniversary last weekend. I have the best husband in the world. He is really freakin' awesome and does so much for our family. I don't think I'd have half the strength I have today if it weren't for his big shoulders to cry on, or his muscular arms to pick me up when I'm falling down. We have so many memories, so many laughs, and so many fun times together. I'm so glad he chose me, and I'm so glad I said YES! ♥♥ Happy Anniversary Babe! ♥♥



Finally, this picture CRACKED me up so I had to share.... my friend Amy sent me a box of goodies and this hat was in it. Grayson (my 2 yr old) put it on and was wearing it around the house, he WANTED me to take his picture and was so proud of his hat. But....I had a friend come over later that day, and I told him to go answer the door with his hat on....he looked out the window next to the door, stripped off the hat and threw it down before he answered the door....he was embarrassed because the friend had her (7 and 9 yr old) daughters with her..... it's already starting...

I know....He is beautiful!!! ☺ He melts my heart. ♥

"TEAM TIFFANY" SHIRTS ARE AVAILABLE TO ORDER! BE SURE TO PLACE YOUR ORDER BY CLICKING HERE.

RAFFLE TICKETS ARE AVAILABLE TILL SEPTEMBER 23. WYMAN GORDON IS RAFFLING OFF A 42" FLAT SCREEN HDTV. TICKETS ARE $20 EACH OR 6/$100 . EMAIL ME IF YOU WANT ANY.

SUSAN G KOMEN RACE FOR THE CURE IS OCTOBER 2ND. JOIN MY TEAM AND WALK, OR MAKE A DONATION TO THE SUSAN G KOMEN FOUNDATION BY CLICKING HERE. ANY AMOUNT IS ACCEPTABLE. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE $25, YOU CAN DONATE $10 IF YOU WANT..... I'M HALFWAY TO MY FUNDRAISING GOAL!

Ta-Ta for now....

Keep on Truckin'.....

Today I had round 5 of chemotherapy. I have to say, I don't know if I was so distracted by such great company, or if I am that immune to this stuff, but I didn't feel a thing. Usually my stomach gets full and heavy towards the end of treatment, and I get hot insides and chilly bumps on the outside. I normally get so loopy that I can't focus.

This time, I felt like she gave me water in my IV. Seriously....that's it. I got a little warm on the ride home, but hello....we are in TX.... We were thrilled that it was only 93 outside! That's out of the ordinary for us here.


I also got to meet Deana today. One of my "pink sisters" from this journey....

She was down at MDA for an appt and stopped by and gave me some info that was interesting and very helpful. (I got to see her "rack" too...haha) I got to see what a fresh mastectomy looks like. She has been off Chemo for a little over 8 weeks and you can see how much hair she has back already. She is about 6 months ahead of me and is friends with Moni, my other "pink sister" who has almost an identical cancer to mine. Deana has the exact opposite cancer as me. She is triple positive, where Moni and I are triple negative. We all have a common friend between us and are all 3 on the same journey, at different stages, all under 40, and all strong fighters! We've all emailed, but this was our first face to face meeting. (Moni and I are supposed to meet next week when she's down there for radiation)


So, Megin and I (my friend that took me today) stopped at WhichWich for a late lunch on the way home and as we were leaving, another customer came up to me and was just going on and on about "OMG, you look so beautiful, I don't know what kind of cancer you have, but you are just radiating and shining...yadda...yadda....Keep up the fight, you are gorgeous". (She races in the Susan G Komen race and does all kinds of research participation...mentioned some pink party, and some other foundation, but she talked kind of fast, so I didn't catch them all....but basically...she supports the boobs!) So, of course, it made my day to have a complete stranger tell me that. It was the first stranger who "knew" I was a cancer patient and acknowledged it so beautifully. We get a little self conscious. Is the wig crooked? Can you tell it's a wig? Is my baldness showing? Does this scarf look OK? Are my dark eye circles showing? Does my port button look like a third boob in this shirt? You know....stuff other people don't have to worry about on a daily basis. Not to mention, we usually carry a little extra weight from chemo, and we can't remember anything so we feel fat, lost and jumbled most of the time, so to have someone address the issue in such a positive light was refreshing. I hope everyone else along my journey continues that way.....

So, yet another great day at MDA, good friends, good laughs, and great times....
(Thanks Megin for the ride, and thanks Eva for watching Grayson and for dinner!)

Ta-Ta for now....