Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Will I ever feel normal?

I have a sick kid at home today so it forced me to stay home and get some chores done.  I haven't mopped since my reconstruction surgery. It's been nearly 18 months. Chris has been mopping and Kaylee does the shark steam mop weekly, so it's not like my floors haven't been mopped. I just have not done it. 
Well, I have this little lump of scar tissue right under my right breast kind of on my rib cage. It tenses up, clamps down on a muscle or something and forces me to freeze, not move, and try to massage it and get it to release whatever it is pinching. It happens when I turn too far to the right, when I mop, when I bend over to clean the bathtub, and if I try to do a sit-up.  Something about being hunched over causes it to spasm.  
So... I'm mopping and thinking "hey maybe I can get the whole downstairs mopped without any pain".  
Yeah.... No! 
About halfway through my kitchen, which isn't that large.. about 6x6 was the halfway point, stupid spasm sets in. 
I really don't know how to describe it except that if you were to see it happen, it reminds me of a woman's belly during labor. You know how you can visibly see it hardening, and then see it release when the contraction is over? 
That's what it looks like. It also kind of reminds me of when my babies used to roll around in utero and you could see it happening from the outside. 
Sometimes, like today, it won't release... And when it does it keeps tightening back up... So it seriously reminds me of being in labor! I feel like I should start timing them like contractions! 

It sucks. 
I just want to clean my house by myself for once! 
It really is a nuisance having this issue. 

I may have kicked cancers ass but sometimes I feel like the leftover emotional issues (and ongoing symptoms of stupid shit the cancer caused my body to do) at times kicks my ass! 

People think that once cancer is gone we can all breathe a sigh of relief. 
I wish! 
There are years and years of emotional stress, cancer induced illnesses such as thyroid disorders, scar tissue spasms, lymphedema swelling, appetite issues, food aversions, limited movement, range of motion, lifting restrictions, and did I mention the emotional stress??? It's so hard for me to look at my body and see boobs. I seriously just see 2 mounds of skin, no nipples, no feeling and scars galore. 

I just want to feel normal. 

I just want to mop my floors. 

I just want to have feeling in my boobs.  

I just want to get dressed and go out and feel normal instead of being a hermit crab  and never leaving my house if I don't have to.  

Oh, and I really want to mop my floors! Did I already say that? I'm the best mopper in this house. It frustrates me.  

Welcome to my NEW normal.... 


1 comment:

  1. Hugs to you! I am on a similar timeline as you and when I read this this morning, I had to read it aloud to my husband. I feel the very same way. I have a very bad pain at times that - in the moment - feels like it won't ever go away. Of course it does subside. I never told anyone about it. Your story makes me feel so normal for feeling the way that I do. (physically, emotionally, etc.) Thank you for sharing your story. I hate the mirror. I dread my next appointments in November. My tatts are scheduled for December. I miss my real boobs. I hate taking medication.I cannot tolerate the heat. I sweat profusely. My hair grew back exactly the same, but it is in that ugly in between stage and it grows slowly. My new boobs are smaller than my originals, but all of a sudden my rib cage seems to be growing. So it isn't a good look. I thank you for sharing your new normal, it sounds like mine.