Monday, March 14, 2011

Radiation Begins Wednesday (and a few pictures)

Starting Wednesday, I will be doing radiation every day, Monday through Friday, for 6 weeks. My schedule currently runs through April 26th.

I went in on Friday for my simulation, to get all marked up, and tattooed with 4 little dots. I was totally expecting a tattoo gun to start buzzing, but they just use a hollow needle and stick it in you and drip some ink down the needle. I'm sure this is how they used to do tattoos back in the day, but I've never had one done that way. The tattoo dot is to make sure that even if the lines they have drawn on you come off, they still get you lined up correctly under the machine. I also have some bright reddish/pink lines drawn on me, and some blue lines. Grayson keeps asking me why the doctor drew all over me. Hopefully he doesn't get confused and think it's OK to draw on people.... I can totally see him doing this at school.

Ok, and I finally downloaded pics off my camera to the laptop, so here are a few pictures of my hair growth at this point.... These were taken in late February, so about 2 months after my last chemo...
It's growing in nicely. It's very soft. It looks like it's going to grow in straight, but then in the back, it has these two areas that actually look like curls coming in. So, I'm not sure yet. Most people do have curly hair when their hair grows back, so it wouldn't surprise me....but then again, I don't want to set myself up for curly hair and be disappointed if it comes in straight as a board, like normal. I have Indian blood in me, so straight hair is pretty common, and my entire hair would NOT hold curl. Wouldn't hold a perm back in the 90's when that was the hair to have, and it wouldn't hold hot rolls in the late 90's/early 2000's when that was in style.... So, I've never had big curly it would be a change. I would welcome it, even if just for a while.
Also, as promised, here is somewhat of a picture of my crooked un-even boobs. The right side is way smaller than the left and sits higher from the expander. (it's my right side, but in the picture it's the left side) You can really see the difference in this shirt. It's WAY different now that I am deflated, because this one was taken before I was even fully expanded. This was before my last expansion session.
Remember when I mentioned my "hairy butt crack" under my arm.... well, here is a picture of it. I know, it's SOOO not flattering, but then again, you know I show the REAL side of this ugly thing and it is what it is... So, the picture on the left is with my arm extended. The expander goes all the way up to my "fat pocket" under my arm, and with no lymph nodes there, is accentuates it. It is like a crevice or crater in there.....seriously... The picture on the right is my arm down by my side. Tell me it doesn't look like a butt crack....

So, needless to say, having to look at this daily is a gross reminder of how ugly breast cancer is. Never in a million years would I have guessed that I would be celebrating my 34th birthday this Friday with very little hair, and only one boob. I have had some rough emotional days lately. The whole "this isn't fair" has gotten me a few times, and then the modified "mothering" that I have had to do lately has really taken it's toll on me. I am thankful that I am alive for my children, but it also sucks that I can't do certain things with them because of my current limitations. I know, I know.. it will pass, and blah blah blah, but it sucks and for just once, I am actually saying it out loud...

Add to boot that we are on Spring break and JuneBug has the flu, and the 8 yr old has an attitude and just got grounded from her iPod, and it's raining its ass off outside.... and we are confined to the house so we don't share germs.... ugh...
I better quit typing now before I depress everyone else...

I'll return in a better mood next time.

(I added a poll to the left where you can vote on how my hair will grow back)


  1. Thank you for being open and honest. I am so sorry for the yucky thing. I do know that you are absolutely beautiful. Your hair looks dark, which is different than the blonde that you were before. But,your hair looks soft and healthy. Your smile is absolutely gorgeous.
    I love you and I am really praying for you. Mom

  2. You're right. This isn't fair. You should feel normal. And this does most definitely suck!

    Of course, you're also right that this will pass. And you're already a stronger more beautiful person for it all.

    Sending you love, peace, and joy today.

  3. Oh, Tiff! You're right ~ it does suck! You're also right that it'll pass. I'm glad that you're being so honest through all of this! Your hair looks awesome! You're so beautiful, no matter what state your hair is in! Oh ya, & that really does look like a butt crack!! :D