Cancer Sucks

I've been having a hard time lately. The past few days of waiting for the mediastinoscopy, the phone calls, the waiting on call backs. Everything kind of got to me last night and Chris and I decided to watch a movie we've had for years, but never opened. So, we pulled out "Pay it Forward" thinking it would be uplifting, and cheerful. Um.....NO! Yea, the message was good, and I liked the whole "pay it forward" idea....but the kid dies at the end. I cried. and cried. and cried.

Life is just unfair. It was unfair to him, it is unfair to me. It's unfair to everyone in some sort of way. We just have to roll with the punches, and play the hand we are dealt, but it doesn't change the fact that this should NOT be happening to me.

I did everything right that I was supposed to do in my lifestyle. I've NEVER used drugs, I just started drinking a little here and there.. recently, never been a drinker. I've battled weight problems my ENTIRE life, finally got that under control, and I've battled sinus issues my ENTIRE life and finally got that under control. Battled the smoking demon for years off and on, finally conquered that battle too. So, I know I can win this fight too, but DAMN....why do I have to? Why does everything have to be a battle with us? When are we gonna catch a break?

I hate being in this stage and fear of the "unknown". We know I have cancer. We know it's at least stage 3. We know my tumor is triple negative. But, until we know if this is Sarcoid or mestatic disease, and until the chemo shows it is working, we are stuck in this awful place of "what-if's" and "I don't know". This is the worst place to be and we are stuck here for the next few months until the tumor shrinks or the follow-up MRI and PETscan show that I am getting better. I just wish we had answers. I wish we had a "cure" and not just a "this usually works". Having a triple negative tumor sucks even more. It makes my fight harder, and it makes my road longer. It makes my faith get tested harder, and it makes me cry more. It's been almost a month since I found this, and we still have not even started treatments because we are waiting on this, waiting on that, testing this, testing that... in the meantime, this horrible thing inside my body is doing who knows what and I'm starting to get worried.

I get daily emails from people, phone calls, texts, etc and I really don't know how to answer honestly. Yes, I'm doing OK physically, but inside I am scared shitless. I don't know my outcome, I don't know my precentages, I don't know my odds. I'm stuck in the "I have no freaking clue" stage and it's not up to me at this point. I'm just ready to start this fight and get it over with. But we can't .... until we know more of what we are dealing with.

Chris has been a HUGE leaning tower for me and a HUGE help and has a HUGE shoulder for me to cry on. But at the same time, he is just as scared as me. We can't go back, we can only go forward, and we want to go back. Back to where we were a year ago, even a month ago. We are coming up on our 10 yr anniversary, our marriage is stronger than ever, and we have no clue what to do to celebrate because at the same time, I have a battle ahead of me. I don't know where I'll be on our "day" or how I'll be feeling. We just can't imagine life any differently right now, but in the back of our minds, we wish we could go back. We keep saying "why do these things keep happening to us?" and "how are we going to pay for all this?" I know the answer is "God is in control, He knows the outcome, and we have to turn it over to him" but that's really hard to do when we are waiting...and waiting...and waiting.... and nothing is happening.

Just having a hard day, I guess. We all have them, and it's totally OK to feel helpless and fearful, and we will get through these feelings. But, it doesn't change the fact that THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!

I'm still in a state of shock over this whole thing. Changed a lot of plans we had. Changed a lot of views we shared. Changed a lot of financial plans we had. Changed a lot of my kids summer plans. Sure, we are hanging in there, but at the same time, we live, breathe and think about nothing but cancer right now. It's all-consuming and it sucks.

I have an awesome support system, I have a wonderful Mother who sends me daily scriptures and posts on my Facebook wall non-stop, as well as my Dad. I have a great family who knows when I need to be left alone and they don't call. I have great friends who just stop by to vaccuum or make a bed, or take my kids here and there. I have so much help, but the truth of the matter is....Cancer SUCKS and I don't want it. I want it gone. NOW. I can't believe I am going through this.

Fear of the unknown is a justified reason to cry......right? Having cancer is a justified reason to cry....right? Now, I just gotta find a way to stop the tears from flowing in front of my kids. They cannot smell or sense my fear. I won't allow it. But it happens sometimes.

......and it sucks.

....Cancer sucks!