Will I ever feel normal?

I have a sick kid at home today so it forced me to stay home and get some chores done.  I haven't mopped since my reconstruction surgery. It's been nearly 18 months. Chris has been mopping and Kaylee does the shark steam mop weekly, so it's not like my floors haven't been mopped. I just have not done it. 

Why? 

Well, I have this little lump of scar tissue right under my right breast kind of on my rib cage. It tenses up, clamps down on a muscle or something and forces me to freeze, not move, and try to massage it and get it to release whatever it is pinching. It happens when I turn too far to the right, when I mop, when I bend over to clean the bathtub, and if I try to do a sit-up.  Something about being hunched over causes it to spasm.  

So... I'm mopping and thinking "hey maybe I can get the whole downstairs mopped without any pain".  

Yeah.... No! 

About halfway through my kitchen, which isn't that large.. about 6x6 was the halfway point, stupid spasm sets in. 

I really don't know how to describe it except that if you were to see it happen, it reminds me of a woman's belly during labor. You know how you can visibly see it hardening, and then see it release when the contraction is over? 

That's what it looks like. It also kind of reminds me of when my babies used to roll around in utero and you could see it happening from the outside. 

 Weirdest.Thing.Ever.  

Sometimes, like today, it won't release... And when it does it keeps tightening back up... So it seriously reminds me of being in labor! I feel like I should start timing them like contractions! 

It sucks. 

I just want to clean my house by myself for once! 

It really is a nuisance having this issue. 

I may have kicked cancers ass but sometimes I feel like the leftover emotional issues (and ongoing symptoms of stupid shit the cancer caused my body to do) at times kicks my ass! 

People think that once cancer is gone we can all breathe a sigh of relief. 

I wish! 

There are years and years of emotional stress, cancer induced illnesses such as thyroid disorders, scar tissue spasms, lymphedema swelling, appetite issues, food aversions, limited movement, range of motion, lifting restrictions, and did I mention the emotional stress??? It's so hard for me to look at my body and see boobs. I seriously just see 2 mounds of skin, no nipples, no feeling and scars galore. 

I just want to feel normal. 

I just want to mop my floors. 

I just want to have feeling in my boobs.  

I just want to get dressed and go out and feel normal instead of being a hermit crab  and never leaving my house if I don't have to.  

Oh, and I really want to mop my floors! Did I already say that? I'm the best mopper in this house. It frustrates me.  

Welcome to my NEW normal.... 

Tiff  

Post op appt

Saw my surgeon today. Everything is healing nicely. I have a lot of swelling in my left breast, which is the one they reduced and lifted, so it probably will stay swollen for about 3 months.

I don't have to go back for 3 months and they will let me know if I am ready to get my nipples tattooed on, or if I need to wait another 3 months. But he said definitely by 6 months I should be good to go.

So.... Looks like my birthday in 2013 I'll go get tattooed. Who wants to come along and get one also????

Tiffany

Post op is 'constricting'

Ok, so surgery was good. It was over quickly and it hasn't been too painful. However......
I am supposed to wear this nice little spanx type girdle for the next 3 weeks 24/7. Now, I really have not complained much during this whole entire journey... Let me start by clarifying that.... But for those of you who have had to ever squeeze your ass into one of those, hideous uncomfortable things... You can empathize with me. It frikkin SUCKS!!! Every time I go to the bathroom I have to peel it down, then afterwards I have to squeeze, hop, jiggle and roll that thing back up all the while holding bandages over my incisions on the side of my waistline on both sides.
So.. I have one hand on each of the bandages.. One on each side.... How do I pull it back up when I'm out of hands?? I can't. Chris has to do it. Yep!! My awesome, loving, husband has to accompany me to the restroom each time so he can pull up my "sausage casing" or "underwear that go up to my bra" while I hold the bandages in place.
We've tried it the other way around but he doesn't realize how hard he is pressing to hold the bandages on and he ends up hurting me.
Why can't we tape the bandages on? Because then it pulls on my skin to remove the tape and hurts even worse. Plus the 'spandies' (spandex panties) get hung on the bandages when pulling it back up because these stupid things have a mind of their own when it comes to pulling them up. We tried that too. We tried 2 different kinds of medical tape and they both hurt and/or irritate my skin.
TMI ALERT... although I know you'll still keep reading... My doctor advised me to slit a hole in the crotch rather than pulling it down each time...
Uummm... Hello!!! I'm a girl!! I can't just whip my pee pee part through a hole... I would have to pull it to one side and every woman out there knows that it is nearly impossible for us to pee through a hole or slit.... Can you imagine the odor after just a few trips to the potty... And then it would be off even longer to be washed daily. At least pulling it up and down each time gives me a day or two in between washings...
Aside from this little situation... I can't really complain. You hear all these stories about liposuction and bruising and how it hurts and I don't really think its that bad. It's very tender in the area but its not very bruised and it only hurts if its touched or if I sit or turn wrong.
My boob that was revised doesn't hurt much at all because I don't have any feeling or sensations in that area anyways. So it's only got a little bit of tenderness where they did lipo on one side to take out some of the side fullness.
Maybe I have a high threshold for pain... Or maybe I'm just elated about how good my boobs and incisions look that I convince myself that its not that bad. Don't get me wrong... My boobs are not gorgeous or anything near what "enhanced breasts" look like.... But for 'cancer boobs' they aren't too shabby. Sure... I look like a patchwork quilt when naked, but no one but the husband and a few doctors will ever see that.
So... Not that I would ever glorify plastic surgery because I believe natural beauty is found from within... But given my circumstances, I don't regret it and I'm very glad I did it so I can feel halfway normal again.
Two more weeks in this stupid girdle thingy and I VOW to never wear one again if I can help it. In fact, I'm pretty sure I will burn it. Ok... Probably not but I will at least throw it away.

Thanks for all the prayers and good wishes!!!

Tiffany