My Fight with Cancer

Hi.... Remember me?

2012-01-13T23:30:00.000-06:00

I know, slap my hand, I haven't blogged in FOREVER! I haven't had much to write about since cancer-wise I've been in limbo for so long. But, I finally have an update!

I met with my plastic surgeon, Dr Skoracki this week. The new one that I LOVE!!! He had told me to take a break till after Christmas and let my body re-coop from the gall bladder removal, and the 2 surgeries to fix what Dr Garvey did with my expander. So, we agreed to meet again after the holidays.

I am still having the TRAM flap surgery. Short version: they take your stomach and transplant it to your breasts.
Long version: they cut me from hip to hip, from my C-section scar up to my belly button in an almond shape. They remove that piece of skin, fat and a little of the muscle, cut it in half and mold it and shape it to my breasts. But, before all that happens, my regular surgeon will remove my left breast (my choice) and then hand the OR over to the plastic surgeon. Plastic surgeon will re-open my incision on my right breast from the mastectomy and they are using most of my skin that they saved. They will use the fat and tissue from my stomach to fill in the part under my arm (my "arm-pit butt crack" as I call it) and my concave part on my chest. (Thank you Dr Garvey for leaving me with that!!! I will always remember you as the Dr who F---ed my body up) They re-attach the blood vessels, wait for it to turn pink and then I'm done......

For now....

This will be the first of a few surgeries. There will be one at a later date (probably 6 months to 1 year) to tweak anything that settled wrong, fill in any gaps, holes, etc... Since they are using my tissue, my body should adapt well, but it's always a possibility that one will be noticeably bigger than the other after the swelling goes down, or one might hang lower than the other. It's much different than just getting a regular breast enhancement without cancer. Those can be done easier, and more even looking because they have breasts to go by to begin with. With me, they are basically taking a flat surface and creating 2 small mounds on it. Try to do it with play-dough and then you'll see how hard it is to get them exactly the same on the first try.

So, for surgery date: Waiting for a call. It will be after spring break though. (Late march, or April) They have to coordinate with my regular surgeon to both be operating on the same day, and then coordinate their schedules together, and then call me and give me a few options. He said I am looking at 2-3 months. In the meantime, I have to get a procedure done called an Angiogram to check my blood flow through my arteries in my stomach area. Because I had an emergency C-section with Grayson, they want to be sure that nothing got snipped accidentally and that I have good blood flow through all the arteries they will be using.

He also said I had wonderfully placed fat! Yay! I guess if there is a way to get fat, you want to make sure that yours accumulates OVER your fascia and not under it. Mine is all on top of my fascia (the layer between the muscle and fat or skin) which means that he won't have to use as much muscle from my stomach during the transplant. I have enough fat for 2 breasts, (not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing... depends on how you look at it) but they will be smaller than my current size, which I've decided won't be that bad..... especially with a nice, padded Victoria's Secret bra. :-) Plus, I'll have a flat stomach FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, so I'm a tad bit excited about that. I'm a visual person, and since I've NEVER had a flat stomach, I cannot even visualize it.

Recovery time: 4-5 days in the hospital and 6-8 weeks at home. It's a tough surgery. It's a long surgery. So, I'll be asking for help again with my kids. Rides to dance, pre-school, etc... maybe a play date here and there at the park. I'm not sure exactly how long before I'll be able to drive a car or lift anything, so when the time gets closer, I'll start making those phone calls to arrange child arrangements, maybe a laundry fairy, or a vacuum fairy. Chris will be most likely taking off 2 weeks of vacation to be with me, but I'm honestly not sure if I'll be able to do all my normal mommy-duties by 2 weeks post-op. It wouldn't be that bad if Grayson was in school full time, but as it is, I have to get the kids to the bus stop every morning, get Grayson to school 2 days a week, fix him breakfast & lunch on his non-school days, pick the kids up from the bus stop, and get them started on chores and homework, and get Kaylee to dance 2 days a week. I'm pretty sure I have the transportation thing covered with my awesome friends, but you don't think about simple things like having to make a PBJ for your toddler or multiple sippy

Emotionally: I am so thankful that there is finally a light at the end of the tunnel. I've felt like I've been running a never ending marathon up until this point....no end in sight. I haven't been able to wear a V-neck shirt in almost a year. I haven't been able to wear anything with a tight sleeve in almost a year because my arm is swollen from the lymph node removal. (mild lymphedema). My chest is concave, so even some scoop neck shirts are out because you can see that I only have one boob. I've been so limited in my wardrobe to mostly high neck t-shirts, and sweat pants. Partly because I don't want to buy a whole bunch of clothes that may not fit me after surgery, partly because we are broke and partly because I'm still trying to lose my chemo weight so I'm in between sizes. My bra weighs over 5 lbs because of the prosthetic boob, and I have major muscle/scar tissue cramping going on. So, aside from all the complications I have had with the expander, just the whole "feeling deformed" and lop sided has been tough. I've been avoiding going many places, especially if it requires a dress code outside of a warm up suit or jeans and a tee. Half the clothes in my closet are not options for me because of one reason or another. I haven't been to church since around March or April, except for a Bible study during my radiation. I have basically only been to the gym, the kids schools and the grocery store. I didn't feel like it was quite as noticeable before, when I still had the expander in, but now that I am completely FLAT on one side, and concave to boot.... I feel very self-conscious about my appearance now. So, I'll be glad to have back a few wardrobe choices after this surgery! Maybe not the whole closet, but at least some of it. Ladies: think about how long it takes you to pick out something to wear...... then quadruple that time and you'll know how I feel. Yeah, this in-between stage has probably sucked more than anything else. I felt prettier even during chemo when I was bald. At least I had 2 boobs still and most of my clothes fit and weren't constricting. It's been really hard, even with things you don't think about.... like if someone pops by unexpectedly to your house.... they may catch you without a bra on, but it's not really all that noticeable. With me.... VERY noticeable. I HATE wearing my bra, but I feel like I have to keep it on all day just to feel somewhat normal in case someone drops by unexpectedly or with very short warning. Without my bra on, it is noticeable that I only have a boob on one side. VERY noticeable.... even in a baggy hoodie. It sucks. So, yeah.... I will be glad to feel more evened out!

So, I think that sums it all up. I'll post again once I get my surgery date.

Any questions for me? Ask below and I'll do a Q&A post if needed.

It's late..... I'm not proof-reading... excuse any grammar errors that spell check didn't pick up.

Night Night
Love Y'all!

Tiffany

"Tonight" with SugarLand

2011-10-28T00:20:00.000-05:00

So, remember how I won that contest "Win a Date with SugarLand"? Well, here is my update.....

We left Friday night and flew out to Atlanta. They paid for that. As we boarded the plane, we played switch-a-roo with another couple because Chris and I were sitting together, but with an aisle between us and another couple was split up, so we all traded seats so we could sit next to our spouse. There was a third guy in our row, and we started talking. He introduced himself as T-Bone from the show The Bone Collector. No Shit! We talked a lot the whole plane ride (about 2 hours) about everything. He had lost his mom to cancer last year, shortly after I was diagnosed. I told him about my concert win and how much SugarLand helped me through my journey. We talked about his new clothing line. The funniest line he said all night... "Every rednecks dream come true.....my clothes are available in over 30,000 Walmart stores". That was funny to me. His show is all about bow hunting and stuff that I know nothing about, but it was interesting. He said he could tell how excited I was and he didn't even know me. He is a super sweet guy. We talked about kids, he showed me pictures of him with different celebs, like Jeff Foxworthy, and he said he got to attend Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert's wedding. It was pretty fun. You can see his website here and check out his show on the Outdoor Channel if you have it. Their Texas special that they were shooting is airing this week, I think. Check out the website here to see a preview. I told him I had to get a picture with him before we left, and he said, he wanted one of us too. So, after we de-planed, we all took a pic together.

The Houston Airport and my seat neighbor, Travis T-Bone Turner

Then, we took a town car limo to the Four Seasons Hotel. We paid for the car, they paid for the hotel. It was a super nice hotel. We got in really late, so we didn't do anything. We walked around a little bit because my energy level was through the roof. I was so excited to see what was in store for us the next day. The hotel is in the middle of Georgia Tech's nightlife, so there were TONS of bars, but we didn't really feel like doing a bar/club scene. So, we went back to the hotel. I finally fell asleep about 2am or so. We had chocolate covered things waiting for us in our room.

Saturday morning, Chris woke me up about 11am to go eat. We ate some quick brunch and headed back to the hotel for a nap. While we were eating, I noticed a lot of pink stuff everywhere....turns out, the Susan G Komen 3-day walk for a Cure was in Atlanta that weekend. So, we got to see a lot of pink people walking around. I thought it was kinda cool that the breast cancer walk was there, right by our hotel, considering that the meaning behind my video that won was all about my breast cancer journey. So, we headed back to the hotel, took a nap, and I started to get ready for my night.

Lots of pictures of the beautiful hotel!

We arrived at the arena at about 5pm and picked up our tickets, meet and greet and VIP stickers. We went in and met Whitney, our host for the night. She works closely with Sugarland and is a REALLY cool chic. We got to eat dinner with all the band and producers, videographer, etc.. the whole crew eats in the "catering room" and we were lucky enough to eat with them. Jennifer Nettles and Kristian Bush weren't there though. But, Kristian came in while we were eating with Whitney and he looked at me and stopped, smiled and came over to give me a hug. Whitney said "this is our tonight contest winners" and he said "I KNOW WHO THEY ARE, I RECOGNIZED THEM FROM THE VIDEO". Oh.My.Gosh!!! He recognized me??? It was so awesome. It was very obvious when he saw me that he recognized me and didn't need the introduction. He gave me a hug and then shook Chris' hand and said something to the effect of "I loved your video and what you two have together". That was probably the hi-light of my evening. Dinner was delicious! I ate Dr Pepper ribs, grits, fried okra, boiled shrimp, and bread pudding. Kristian said the caterers were giving them one last "excellent" meal before the tour was over so they would be invited back next year. It was really REALLY good! Whitney joined us at our table, and we chatted the time away. She said she read my blog! Hi Whitney! We talked about cancer, our relationship, how we met, our kids, and I told her about Kaylee's solo she is doing and she said I could email her a link to the video once she competes and we get it on video and she would pass it along. We talked about football a little bit. She's a Houston Texans fan, but we still like her anyways. :-) I really loved Whitney...she was an excellent host, and fun to talk to. We had a blast with her!

Yes, I made the shirt. A custom creation, one-of-a-kind SugarLand rhinestone shirt.

Our meet and Greet passes and VIP all access sticker

This radio station was the one giving out the posters, and I had to take a picture with them since they were all wearing Pink Ribbon shirts.

After dinner, we went back out to the arena lobby and enjoyed a beer before the meet and greet. When we got into the meet and greet, they announced that SugarLand doesn't want to spend time autographing items, and instead they want to actually meet us, so they gave everyone an autographed photo when they left. We also weren't allowed to take our own pictures, and instead Whitney took the pictures and uploaded them to their site for downloading or printing. It was a good picture. I was a bit surprised by the news, but if you think about it, most people want pictures on 3 different cameras, and then sign like a dozen things, so it makes sense. We got to be at the end of the line, but the line was so long, we really didn't get any extra time with them. :-( Kristian was again, super sweet, gave me a hug but Jennifer acted like she had no clue who I was. I was a tiny bit disappointed that she didn't recognize me like Kristian did, but she is a busy lady, and probably meets a lot of people, so oh well.

Anyways, the concert was great, but my camera died shortly after it started, so sorry I don't have too many pics. (lots of them are cell phone pictures, so pardon the crappiness of them) The radio stations there had posters printed for the song "Little Miss" and asked us to all hold them up during the song. The one I chose was "I'll be alright again, I'm OK". It's lyrics from the song, and the Little Miss Project was started about a year ago. You can read about it and watch the video here. Basically, we are all a different type of "Little Miss" and the song touches on a few and you choose which one you are. So, we held those up during the song, which was pretty cool. I got to sit the row behind Jennifer Nettle's mom. Atlanta is Jennifer's hometown, so her mom came to watch her perform. After the concert, the lady I was sitting next to, who works with her mom, introduced us and told her I was the Tonight Contest winner. She is a super sweet lady and Jennifer looks a lot like her momma. My favorite songs from the concert were Little Miss, Incredible Machine, Baby Girl, Stay, All We Are and of course, Tonight.....

After the concert, I met up with a new SugarFriend named Mandy. She had emailed me when the contest started via the SugarLand site. You have to sign up as a member (free) in order to submit your video, so the email is safe, and it's all contained, and not through your regular email inbox. So, Mandy was telling me how much she loved my video and how much it touched her. She also has some medical issues, (not cancer) and her husband has stood by her and helped her through it all these years. We started emailing back and forth, and finally became Facebook friends. She told me that she would be at the concert that night, since she lives in Atlanta, and that she had some gifts for me and the kids. So, she gave me the gifts, and offered to take us back to the hotel (saved cab fare) so we accepted her sweet invitation. The gifts were SPOT ON! She gave each of my kids a stuffed animal, which it turned out...Brayden got a cow and Grayson got a puppy. Grayson is always acting like a puppy, and Brayden sleeps with a stuffed cow, so the boys LOVED their gifts. Kaylee got a journal/diary book and a cute pen, along with a stuffed animal, and that girl loves to write in journals, so it was prefect for her too. My gift was a zebra memory book/photo album and a beautiful painting that her and her daughter Katie had painted of me. I knew it was me right away and I knew exactly which picture it was. She said that picture was the one that she loved the most from my Facebook page, and I have to admit, it was one of my favorites too. So, Mandy and I have so much in common, we hit it off right away. We talked the whole way back to the hotel, but I totally forgot to get a picture with her. :-( I guess that means we will have to meet up again.

So, after finally falling asleep Saturday night we got up Sunday morning and went and had Einsteins Bagels and coffee for breakfast before heading to the airport. I was so ready to see my babies. I missed them so much while I was gone! We got home Sunday, and I hugged them all night long while we watched the Dallas Cowboys kick ass!

So, concert was great, dinner was great, Whitney was great, and we had a good time! Thank you Sugarland for having this contest, and for picking me as a finalists! Thank you to everyone who voted and helped make one of my dreams come true. It was an unforgettable evening!

Enjoy the pictures below.....

Pictures from the concert, and all the Pink walkers that walked by our hotel Saturday and Sunday. Also, the bikers that cheered them on at one of the pitstops. I love the pink bra's on their bikes.

The gifts from Mandy

I hope you enjoyed reading all about my Incredible Night with the most Incredible Band ever!!!!

Tiffany

Attitude is everything!

2011-10-12T22:07:00.000-05:00

I received this cute story last year, and I thought I'd share it on here since it is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Enjoy.

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.

'Well,' she said, 'I think I'll braid my hair today.' So she did and she had a wonderful day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.

'H-M-M,' she said, 'I think I'll part my hair down the middle today.' So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.

'Well,' she said, 'today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail.' So she did, and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head. 'YAY!' she exclaimed. 'I don't have to fix my hair today!'

Attitude is everything.

I totally enjoyed not having to fix my hair. I loved the quick showers. Now, I thoroughly enjoy that I have enough hair to have Bed-Head and I can feel the wind blow through it. That's such a great feeling!!!

Check yourself! Save those Ta-Ta's

Tiffany

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It's gonna be an AWESOME night!!!!

2011-10-10T17:40:00.001-05:00

So, some of you know that I entered the Sugarland "tonight" contest a while back. We had to make a video showing what our perfect tonight would be like. So, it took me 16 hours to make this video. It was my first time ever making a video without just hitting record on the video camera. I spent an entire Saturday making this video. The winner of the contest would get to fly to Atlanta for their final tour stop in October, have a candlelight dinner and meet the band. I was pumped!!! The finalists were to be announced and then it was up to their fans to vote for the winner. Then, Sugarland had that awful catastrophe where their stage collapsed and they postponed the contest. I completely understood, and dismissed the thought from my head. I wasn't sure if they were going to go through with the contest still or not and my heart was aching for the people who didn't survive the stage collapse and those who were injured. The contest was far from my thoughts.

So, last week after I got back from Dallas, I went to work on Tuesday. After work, I checked my email and noticed a message from a fellow Sugarfriend saying she had voted for me. I was like "voted?" So, sure enough I checked the website and they had announced the 16 finalists and I was one of them!!! But, I was about 200 votes behind the leader. I had some groundwork to cover. I blew up the news feeds on Facebook and Twitter. Several people also re-posted my link because my video touched them and they wanted me to win. Strangers were emailing me telling me they had voted for me. Sure enough, by Thursday, I had taken the lead in votes. The other girl in competition with me for the lead was right on my tail though. She really gave me a run for my money. Saturday morning, the vote count had gotten to 1K and froze. You couldn't see how many votes you had, and shortly after, the other girl reached 1K. I wasn't sure if the votes were still being counted on the other end or not. Well, apparently they were..... I WON!!!!! They announced the winner today on their website. I was waiting all morning, and I kept hitting refresh on my phone. (my battery had already almost died by noon). Sure enough, I had a parent-teacher conference to go to at my son's school. When I got out of the conference, I checked the website again and saw the news!! I was still at the school though and couldn't scream. I sent Chris a text that said "pack your bags....we're going to Atlanta!!!" Then, all these emails started coming in from Twitter and YouTube from people commenting to me about my video. Man, the LOVE I felt was overwhelming! Sugarland's music is all about Love and many of their songs have helped me get through my journey this past year. Mostly, "Incredible Machine" because I felt that my body was truly an incredible machine during chemo. Also, the song "Stand Back Up" is one of my favorites. Some of the lines in the song go... (I'll hi-light my favorites)
Go ahead and take your best shot,

Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before,
I may stumble, yeah I might fall,
Only human aren't we all?
I might lose my way, but hear me when I say,

I will stand back up,
You'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid, and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

I've been beaten up and bruised,
I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe,
When the darkness tries to get me,
There's a light that just won't let me,
It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes,

But I'll stand back up,

I've weathered all these storms,
But I just turn them into wind, so I can fly,
What don't kill you makes you stronger,

So, go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
You might win this round but you can't keep me down,
'Cause I'll stand back up,

And you'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up

So, even though the song wasn't written ABOUT cancer, I could totally relate those lines to my journey. There were days when I didn't want to get out of bed. There were days when I just wanted to cry all day. There were days that I would be depressed but I never wanted my kids to see me sick, sad or upset. I was just ready to be done with the whole process. But, seeing those smiles on my kids faces after school, and getting that hug and kiss from Chris every morning before he left for work and afternoon when he got home...that's what made me keep fighting! So, Kaylee decided this year she wanted to do a solo in dance.....and said "mommy, I want to do your Sugarland song and dedicate it to you". OH.MY.GOD! She has such a beautiful heart. Of course, solo's are expensive, but I couldn't say no to that!!!! (hence the reason I am working part-time) So, in February, she will be competing in 2 dance competitions with that song. She is such a beautiful, graceful dancer and I can't wait to see the final product. (I better remember to wear waterproof mascara because I know I'm gonna cry....or be a basketcase...whichever) I'll post the video here after she dances.

So, October 22 is the big day!!! I will be flying to Atlanta to wine, dine and hang out with Sugarland! I can't wait to see what all my night has in store for me! I don't think I'll be able to sleep well the next 13 days out of sheer excitement!!! Plus, I have to get work done...Ugh. It's gonna be hard to concentrate.

So, here is my video submission....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80EzAu_1tIE

And here is my favorite.....a shout out on Twitter from Sugarland!!!!

As if THAT isn't cool enough!!!! I can hardly contain my excitement!!! I think I may need to go buy my lottery ticket tonight..... Then I gotta start working on my custom Sugarland Rhinestone shirt!!! Good thing I know how to do that....hehehe

Thank you from the bottom and top of my heart to all my friends (and the strangers) who posted my link, voted and helped me win this! I could NOT have done it without all of you!!! You guys ROCK!!! I love you all!!!!
So, stay tuned........
Tiffany!!!!

Did ya miss me?

2011-10-02T22:16:00.000-05:00

I know, slap my hand....I haven't posted in a while. I meant to, but my 3 kids are wearing me out, plus, I went back to work 2 days a week and then I work out with my trainer 3 days a week, and sleep when I can. My fatigue is still pretty bad these days. If I don't take a nap, I have ZERO energy by the time Chris gets off work...but if I do take a nap, I'm up till midnight and then tired the next day. I can't win. I'm just glad that he helps me out so much in the evenings that I can't take a nap.

So, here's what is new.....

Since my last post, Chris and I celebrated our 11 year anniversary. He booked us a weekend at the Granduca hotel in Houston. He arranged a babysitter, told me what to pack and when I would be leaving and coming back home. He made me an appointment at Facade with Corrine's staff makeup artist. It was so nice to get a change in makeup from what I normally do. Corrine and Chris apparently emailed each other back and forth and come to find out, she did it complimentary after seeing my blog. I didn't get to meet Corrine, but her staff was AMAZING!!! Then, we got in room massages and he made sure it was a massage therapist who specialized in lymphatic massage. Since I can't get my normal deep tissue massage that I love because it re-arranges the lymphatic system, it was very important that the person was trained in lymphatic techniques. We had a few awesome dinners. One was at our FAVORITE "special occasion" restaurant Masraff's. We got to meet the owner Tony on our last visit there. He is such a sweet man. This is the best restaurant we have ever been to! Seriously! The food is delicious, the wait staff is over the top, and the atmosphere is very romantic and modern. So, Chris scored major points with that weekend get-away. It was very nice to "escape" for the weekend.

I met my new plastic surgeon, Dr. Skoraki. I loved him!!! I really think I'll be happy with him. We don't have a game plan in place....we are waiting for my skin to heal from all the trauma this summer. He said he wasn't opposed to putting in another expander to stretch the skin back out before surgery, if he thought my skin could handle it. January is the next time I meet with him, so I get to take a break over the next few months. Plastic surgery probably won't be until April 2012.

I had another appointment with my regular surgeon. I hadn't seen her since my follow-up from my mastectomy. She had a baby and was on maternity leave for a few months so she missed all my drama with Dr G. During this visit, she found a small lump in my left (non-cancer) side. She booked me an ultrasound appt for the next day. She told me that she thought it felt like breast tissue, but since any kind of lump throws up a red flag, she sent me to have it checked out. I have felt this lump before, but it's not always something you can feel. It depends on how soft, or firm my breast tissue is during each part of the month that co-incides with my cycle. Sometimes I can feel it, sometimes I can't. Anyways, I had the ultrasound Thursday and everything looked normal. The radiologist could feel the lump, but when she scanned over it, she saw nothing but breast tissue. So, I got the "all-clear" but still...... this is why I want the other side removed! I refuse to live my life in fear of breast cancer returning, and every lump sends up a red flag. I get lumps all the time, so it's not like one can be dismissed as nothing....every single one has to be checked out. So, I think I won that argument.

That's about it for medical stuff. I think that catches me up for now. I'm a lop-sided mess. I hate having to wear a fake boob. It's so heavy and I'm limited to 3 bra's and a few camisole tops that are made to hold the prosthetic boob so it doesn't sit against your skin. So, I gotta stay on top of laundry. Working out with it is a pain in the ass. But, if I don't have it in, I look really funny!! So, I'll deal with it. I've never been so happy to take off my bra at night till now!!! My bra weighs about 5 pounds with the boob in it. I could seriously hurt someone if I swung it at them!!!

Well, I better head to bed. I have a busy day tomorrow.

Ta-Ta for now!!!!
Tiffany

He loved me through it...

2011-09-16T11:16:00.000-05:00

Ok, so don't ask me WHY on earth, of all the pictures I used for this video, YouTube decided to use THIS ONE as the cover shot? I would've prefered the bathing suit shot myself. That was when I was in the best shape of my life, but oh well.... Cancer sucks, and Cancer is UGLY and my husband is the best in the world for loving me no matter what I look like! So, I made a video tribute for him. When I heard this song, I cried like a baby. It's like she wrote it for me and Chris! (except she forgot that I was only 33 when I got diagnosed! haha)

Oh, and don't say I didn't forewarn ya....my husband, who has never cried in our 11 years of marriage ALMOST teared up watching this video..... so if you are emotionally sensitive....grab a kleenex box before pressing play.

Follow up to surgery

2011-08-25T15:05:00.000-05:00

I went in for my follow up appt today. I got to see the P.A. Today and not Dr G so it was a pretty pleasant visit. She removed my drain tube, so at least I will get to enjoy our 11 year anniversary this weekend. Chris has booked us a weekend at a super nice and beautiful hotel in Houston. He has a few surprises in store for me and I'm glad I don't have to carry that stupid drain bulb and tube with me.

My stitches may come out next week. It depends on how it looks. If it is healed they will remove them, but since the skin is so damaged, they may need to stay in a little longer.

So, aside from that and my 2 oldest starting school (1st grade and 3rd grade) I have had a very nice relaxing week at home. I knocked a bunch of little things off my list. Stuff I could do one handed because I can't really use my right arm. They are afraid it may bust the stitches, so even though my arm functions, I can't use it. That's hard to remember when you feel so motivated to do something.

I'll post more after I get back from our get-away.

Bedside "Un-Manner"

2011-08-19T20:27:00.000-05:00

So, here is what went down since Monday.... Now, I will add as a disclosure, that I just got out of surgery 6 hours ago, so my anesthesia may still be lingering, so I'm not responsible if I sound loopy, or if I'm not making sense. I'll have Chris proof read it when I'm done to make sure I didn't leave out random words.

I went in for Dr Garvey to check my stitches from my surgery 8/8 and see if they were ready to come out. I was a little ticked at him already because as I was in the PACU recovery room, he walked past my bed TWICE and never once popped his head in to check on me. I've never had a doctor do that to me. I know they don't always pop in on you when you're in outpatient recovery, because often times, they are in another surgery by the time you're awake. But, he walked past my bed twice and I was awake. NOTHING. I was also a little upset because of our conversation that took place at our last visit prior to that. Needless to say, he was a little on my bad side already and I was going to ask for a different surgeon after he took my stitches out. Our personalities just don't match. I think I mentioned that in my last post.

So, he decided to leave my stitches in another week because my incision had not completely healed yet, which means that I have to see him again. *eye roll* So, we get to talking and he repeated a few things that he told me at the last visit. But, here is the icing on the cake......(portions of our conversation from this Monday)

Dr G: "Yeah, it's (incision site) having a hard time healing up because your skin is just so charred from radiation. She (radiation oncologist) just burnt your skin so bad."
Me: "Yes, because SOMEONE (Dr Garvey) didn't deflate me ALL the way as requested by her, you left 300 cc's in the expander, saying it was ok, so she had to radiate me deeper to get through it."
Dr G: "Yeah, ok, so it's my fault...whatever...you can blame me, she can blame me, I can blame her, whatever. Bottom line is that your skin is destroyed"
(did he just say "whatever" to me???)

Dr G: "You need to compromise and lower your expectations!"
no response from me because what the heck does he possibly mean by that??? I think I've already compromised and lowered my expectations by dealing with Cancer! Cancer boobs are much different than "augmented" breasts, so I've already done both of those! I don't expect stripper boobs. I don't expect bikini boobs. I just want normal boobs that look good in clothes!

Dr G: "I never changed plans on you. I've said the same thing from the beginning."
Me: "No, I asked you if you'd have enough to do 2 decent size breasts with the TRAM flap and you said Yes. When I asked you if I should lose weight, you said yes. So I did, and now you are saying that my breasts are going to be triangular shaped and much smaller if I do both with the TRAM flap"
Dr G: "Ok, let me put it this way....(looks at me like I'm a dumbass and talks slower) if I take the flap and cut it in half, and use it for both breasts, they will be smaller because I'll be using 50/50 portions. If I only do one breast, I'd be using about 70% of it on one side. Does THAT make sense to you?"
Me: "I'm done!" and I hopped up off the table, threw my hands up in the air, grabbed my bra and shirt and started to get dressed.
Dr G: "Would you like me to get you in with a different doctor?"
Me: "YES!!!"
Dr G: "Ok, I will get you in with Dr Skoracki" and he left the room.

So, Tuesday, I spoke with the patient advocate and told her my story. She could not believe he said those things to me and spoke to me the way he did. She filed a copy in the advocacy file, and also with the director of Plastic surgery. I was supposed to go in to meet Dr Skoracki in the first week of September. She repeatedly apologized on MD Anderson's behalf. She said that is not the way they are trained to deal with things, and she just cannot believe it. You could tell she was stunned, and on my side. I'm so thankful they have a patient advocate!!!

Then, Wednesday, my incision started leaking. CRAP!!! See blog post below this one....

Thursday, I went in to see my PA, Marla, because I told them I didn't want to see Garvey and Skoracki is on vacation. It really sucks that all this happened while I am in the process of switching Drs. So, she tells me that she got a page about me that morning telling her what had happened. She spoke to Dr Garvey, and said that he felt awful about what happened Monday. She said he really doesn't like the way it happened, or things that were said, but she said she respected me for saying "I'm done" and walking away rather than saying something I regretted. She said He also respected me for that. She said she talked to him about describing my breasts as being triangular shaped, because they aren't gonna be triangular shaped. She doesn't know why he used that word to describe them. She said she is proud of me for standing up for myself because a lot of patients don't. They just put their tail in between their legs and say Ok. I told her "It's MY body and I'M in control of it...NOT HIM!!" She said it reminded her of a sibling argument because neither of us were backing down.

Anyways, after all of that, she said he was willing to do the surgery and recommending it because if I let if go over the weekend and wait for Dr Skoracki to return on Monday, it could be later in the week before he could do surgery and the risk of infection is so great now that I have a seroma. So, my choices were: Let Dr Garvey take my expander out......or wait for Skoracki out of hard-headedness and risk getting an infection.

I know when to let my hard-headedness go.....

But, before surgery this morning, I requested to speak to Dr Garvey before they took me back. He came in and looked at my incision, and we talked medical jargon for a bit. (He brought in a medical student with him who he is apparently mentoring) So, he said "Do you have any more questions"

hehehe

Me: "any apologies?"
Dr G: "For....?"
Me: "talking to me like I was an idiot and saying 'does THAT make sense to you?' "
Dr G: "I'm sorry for the way things turned out between us."
Me: "well, your bedside manner leaves a lot to be desired because you walked right past my bed last surgery 2 times and never popped your head in and I was awake. If you don't change your bedside manner.....I pity your patients". (yeah, probably a little over the line...I know)
Dr G: placed his hand on my thigh where he was standing, in a manner to calm me. "look, let's not go there again. Let's just get this surgery done and get you all fixed up for Dr Skoracki. I need you to have trust in your Doctor for today"
Me: "Well, that's hard to do because I lost all respect and trust in you Monday when you spoke to me the way you did. I'm very nervous about you doing my surgery today, but I don't have another choice"
Dr G: "well, you do, but it's not one I recommend."
Me: "I know.....so I either risk getting an infection, or risk you doing my surgery"
Dr G: "OK, so, I take full responsibility for what happened between us. I'm very sorry. I'm sorry. I really am Sorry."
Me: "ok. Thank you. Please be careful and give me back to my husband and kids...OK?"
Dr G: "I will" (smile)

He shook my hand and Chris' hand and left the room.

Marla came back in (because she had come in halfway through our convo and started to cry (which I was crying too). She said more of the same stuff. He's probably in the OR hanging his head in shame, he's really upset that this happened. Then she tells me I really need to get a job as a patient advocate for patients who are too scared to stand up for themselves. HAHAHA. She said I would be really good at that because I'm very stubborn.....just like Dr G, which is why we butt heads.

So, it's not really that I'm stubborn....I just am a visual person. I need to know that if I use the TRAM flap and do both sides (which I am GOING to do, even if I have to switch Dr's outside of MDA) I need to know that I have another option, maybe put some implants behind the TRAM flap in a few years, maybe get some lipo or something from somewhere and have it injected in there....something. Tell me that I have other options if I'm not happy with the results.
IF....
I may be happy with them. But, I won't know until I see them.....because I'm a visual person!!! He never would answer those questions. I got "we'll cross that bridge when we get there". That's not an answer!!!

So, I'm out of surgery. All is good. I am concave and wrinkly. He used the same incision from a week ago, rather than using my mastectomy incision. He just made it a bit bigger and ruptured my expander and pulled it out, and then used some tool to basically burn the inside of my "pocket" to help it close together so it wouldn't collect fluid. Kind of like a cauterization? Then, he placed a drain tube to help drain all fluid from the pocket. I can't wear a prosthesis for a few weeks until it's fully healed. So, they told me to use batting, (light and fluffy) since now it's VERY noticeable that I'm lopsided.

Everything should still be in tact and OK to use for reconstruction. The expander did it's job, and saved the skin that was important. It shouldn't shrink down over the next few months while I heal.

Not sure when reconstruction is going to be now. I'll update more about that after I speak with Dr Skoracki.

I have to see Dr Garvey one more time this Thursday for a follow up. I'm not sure if he will be removing my stitches, or if they will stay in until I see Dr Skoracki. He will probably remove my drain tube Thursday, depending on my level of output.

They don't want me working out for a month....except walking. BOO!!!!

I think I've answered most of the questions that people had for me on Facebook. If I haven't, ask them below, and I'll do a Q&A post soon.

Thanks for your prayers! I really felt them today.

Love you guys!!!!
Tiffany

3 surgeries in 32 days?

2011-08-19T07:03:00.001-05:00

I'm on my way to the hospital for yet another surgery. It seems that I developed a seroma from last weeks surgery so they have to remove my expander to avoid infection. A seroma is a fluid pocket that is more common after a mastectomy, but not as common in a "necrosis debridement" which is what I had last week when they closed up my hole, or chunk of missing skin. I noticed Wednesday morning that I was really sweaty in my armpit shortly after I started my workout. It was weird because I don't sweat from that arm since they removed all my lymph nodes. I was actually excited because that meant that everything was working correctly even though it's very rare. Well, later that day, I took off my sports bra and noticed it was wet, and so was my skin and my hand where I had just touched my skin. I looked at my incision and noticed something leaking out of it. It looked like a clear fluid but it had a slight tinge of yellow if you wiped it on something white.

I called the ER and they said it wasn't emergent but to come in first thing Thursday morning. I went in and saw the PA and she said it was a seroma and if it is coming out, that means bacteria can also go in through the same opening. So we have to get the expander out before infection sets in. It can set in quickly, and turn deadly quickly, so they put me on the surgery schedule for today. We are on our way down there now.

Please pray for me today. I don't have a lot of trust, faith or respect in this doctor, but the new plastic surgeon I am to see is on Vacation, so I have to let dipshit dr with no bedside manner operate on me. I have faith in God and I trust in God, so I know that he will keep me protected but I am very uptight and stressed about the surgery.

Chris will update my FB and twitter sidebar and I'll try to blog again as soon as I can. I have to tell you all about dipshit dr and what he did to make me switch Drs.

Tiffany

What's new?

2011-08-07T11:47:00.000-05:00

So, tomorrow, August 8th, marks the 3 year anniversary of Grayson's cranio surgery. It also will be a surgery date for me too. Yep, again.

I went in for a followup with my plastic surgeon, and he checked out the hole that I got in my skin a few months back. I don't think I ever got a chance to write about it on here because our summer was so busy. Anyways, I had gone in a few months back for him to check it out. He basically said it was a chunk of skin that fell off because it was damaged skin from radiation. He gave me some silvadene cream to put on it twice a day and said it was very common.

Huh??

So, right under my arm pit (in the famous butt crack I've spoken about) I had a small chunk of skin fall off. Don't worry, I won't post pics because it looks really gross. It started off about the size of a pencil eraser. Well, 2 months later, after the cream, it is now the size of a large pea. It's white underneath, but, originally, he said that it was just new skin trying to grow. Well, now that it has gotten bigger, he says we have to close it up.....ASAP. It's basically an open wound in a spot that is very hard to cover. So, he is going to do an outpatient "debridement" surgery. Basically, cut out the hole and sew my skin back together.

So, I'm kinda pissed that at first he said it was nothing, and now it's "lets do surgery right away". But, I was going on vacation with the family, so he scheduled it for the day after we got back. I asked him how common it was because he told me in the beginning it was very common to have this happen.....he said "it's common" and then I asked how many of his patients have had this and his answer....."NONE".

WHAT???? Real common huh?

But wait....there's more.....

Then he goes on to tell me that if I opt to have the second breast removed, he won't have enough to do a large enough breast on both sides with the TRAM flap procedure and they will be somewhat triangular in shape. He said I'll get a better aesthetic result if I just get a lift on the left side and the TRAM flap on the right side. Then, he said that because of the gall bladder surgery, he has to delay my reconstruction surgery. (I went in for my followup with my gall bladder surgeon a few days later and he said that it shouldn't delay anything because it's almost completely healed and it's only been 2 weeks). So, originally, Dr Garvey told me to lose all my weight before reconstruction surgery or it could make my breasts uneven, because your breasts will do the same thing that your stomach did in weight loss. (IE: get bigger, or smaller, depending on if you gain or lose weight) I've only lost 10 lbs so far, and gone down 1 pant size. I'm thinking he is now changing plans because he is realizing that I was right when I told him that if I lose all my weight, he won't have enough to work with. But, he had assured me that he would, despite me telling him that, and he said "We will cross that bridge when we get there". GGGRRRR He really pissed me off that day! He basically led me on for 6 months telling me that he would be able to reconstruct both breasts using the TRAM flap, and now he is changing plans.

He says that he doesn't recommend removing the other breast because the odds that it would get breast cancer are slim. (Yeah, and so were the odds that I would originally get breast cancer because it wasn't genetic, and I didn't have any contributing factors. I also did everything that was supposed to reduce your odds.....have 3 kids, breast feed, eat healthy, etc) He also said that there was a chance of the healthy one getting infected if I remove it, and therefore, I would be left with no breast, so I need to decide which I would rather have. (I kind of feel like he is trying to cover his ass in case it does get infected so he can say 'I told you so') Then he said the only thing he can guarantee is that they won't match. He said no one matches before cancer, and no one matches afterwards. So, I am going to push for a removal of the other one with an implant on that side, and the TRAM flap on the other side. I'm not a plastic surgeon, but it makes sense to me that it would work....and if they aren't gonna match anyways.....then who cares? As long as they look decent in a bra and tee shirt, I am good with that. I just don't want to be running downtown in a panic every time I feel a lump on the other side. I have a long life ahead of me and I don't want to live it in fear. He said that with all my screening, even if it DID come on the other side, we could catch it early enough. (although, this stage 3 golf ball size lump showed up in less than 6 months from my prior OB exam, so if I am scheduled for 6 month scans and eventually 1 year scans, how can he guarantee that he can catch it any earlier? It obviously is very aggressive when it attacks)

So, I am going to spend the next few months going around and getting other opinions. I might possibly switch surgeons, and might possibly not be with MDA. I just want both breasts gone so I can live with less worry, and have a somewhat decent size and decent looking rack. I have broad shoulders and my ribcage sticks out pretty far, so I can't have anything smaller than a full C or small D cup or I'd look roley poley. Hence, why God made me with the size I have now.....

So, tomorrow, keep me in your prayers, since I am loosing faith in this plastic surgeon, that he can close up this hole without any complications. I go in at 11am and Chris will update my Facebook and Twitter when he hears something.

Thanks for all your prayers during this CRAZY adventure I've been on!!!

An quick update

2011-07-18T05:07:00.000-05:00

So, Friday night I started to have some stomach pain. I was in a lot of pain through the night. I've had it once before and I thought it was gas. Well, Saturday and Sunday the pain was still there but was subsiding some and coming and going. I had a feeling I needed to get it checked out. So, we headed to the ER late Sunday.

As I lay here in my triage room, they just informed me that my gallbladder was inflamed and had a slight infection from a gallstone that got hung up. (this explains quite a bit of issues I've had for a while). So, they will be removing my gallbladder in a matter of a few hours.

One more organ marked off my list!! At this rate, I'll be skinny in no time as there will be nothing left. Why do we have all these organs that we actually don't need anyways??

One Year Later....

2011-07-05T08:00:00.330-05:00

One year ago today was the phone call that changed my life. When Dr. Norton called to confirm pathology reports and said "the biopsy results are in....It's cancer."

I remember crying almost all day. Being in that state of shock, not knowing how bad it is, not knowing if you're going to live or die. Chris had come home from work as soon as I called him. Our life as we knew it was forever changed. But, not for the bad.....

Once the initial shock wore off, and I got further testing done and got the "staging" done, my outlook changed. Yes, I was stage 3 (ironically, the new Mustang is a stage 3.....) and they wouldn't give me my "odds" or "percentages", but my life was in MY hands. I found an awesome quote that really helped me;

"If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or Fight Like Hell." ~ Lance Armstrong

I could choose to give up, or I could fight like Hell! I decided, as always, that I was in charge of my body! Then, I gave that responsibility over to God. He was in control now! I knew there was a reason for this journey, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out what it was.

Now, I know.....
I see myself totally different now. I am strong. I am beautiful because of what's on the inside of me. I am less shy and more talkative. I am an awesome friend. But most importantly, I am loved....by many. I used to just think God, my family, my husband, and my kids were the only ones who "truly" loved me. I have seen some love the past year, that's for sure! I had an awesome group of friends who banned together to help me out when I needed it. I had an awesome group of girls who took me out once a week to take my mind off of things. I had friends come in to clean or pay for a cleaning service when I was tired and run down. I had friends who made me laugh. I had friends who brought me coffee, or scheduled a lunch date to keep me occupied. I had friends who drove me to my chemo appointments and kept me company during my drippings. I had friends who drove my kids to their activities, kept them for sleepovers, and had play dates with them so I could rest. I had friends cook hot meals for us and some who brought frozen meals. I had friends who watched Grayson for me during radiation when I had to go every day. I had friends flooding the heavens with prayers for me.....and I never asked for a single thing. They just did it, because they love me. They wouldn't let me say "no".

Yep, I am loved.

Of course, the journey has also brought to light some ugliness, but...again, I have changed. I am a fighter. I removed that negativity from my life and from my family and felt so RELIEVED! Before, I would have caved and felt guilty, somewhat at fault, but knowing that I didn't need that negative energy in my life was so refreshing! I felt the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders, and I never looked back.

I learned that there are more important things in life and I don't sweat the small stuff.

I learned that I can say "no" and not feel guilty about it.

I learned that I love to write, and I'm told I'm pretty inspiring, although I still have a hard time seeing that trait in myself.

I learned that there are "Good friends" and there are "Good-time friends" and I love them all the same.

I learned that people aren't always who you expect them to be.

I learned that there are some people with a really compassionate soul, and there are some without.

I learned that the body is a wonderful thing, and has the ability to heal itself, against all odds.

I learned that when you are vulnerable, with no hair, you have the ability to see people for who they really are, and look past the outer layer of beauty, and inside their soul. People are more transparent than they would like to think they are.

I learned that I can rock a bald head with the best of them.

I learned that my body is just a container for my soul.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. " ~Eleanor Roosevelt

That's just what I decided to do....look fear in the face and WIN. I gained strength, courage and confidence!

So, today, on my 1 year Survivor birthday, I am celebrating! I am celebrating with my family, I am celebrating with my friends, and I am celebrating LIFE!

My gift to myself....personalized license plates....

And this sign, made by my friend Tiffanie. She makes custom tin signs, and this is the quote I picked that best represented my journey! "Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death"

I thought I would end this post with a special thank you to the special people in my life...in no particular order...

Christopher- my awesome husband, lover, best friend, and the most caring, compassionate man I've ever met. You have been my rock through this journey, and I am so thankful that God brought us together 11 years ago. You are my Ace of Hearts in this poker hand I was dealt. I fought for you, I fought with you by my side, and I fought because of you. I wish everyone was as blessed as I am to have a husband like you. I love what our marriage has become, and I love every part of you, every single day.

My 3 kids, Kaylee (my Ace of Diamonds), Brayden (my Ace of Spades), and Grayson, (my Ace of Clubs) for making me laugh every day and for giving me a reason to fight. I love each of you more and more every day, and you make me so proud! I am so thankful that you have been able to talk about this ugly battle and show your true feelings about it. You saw your Mommy at her worst, and you were always there to make me smile and lift me back up.

God- (my King High in this poker hand I was dealt) my strength, the ultimate healer, and the Almighty.

My Family- Mom, Dad, Jimmy, Karan, Shawn, Kay, Kristy, Steve, Alyssa, Dolly, Luke, Chris and Shawna, and all my beautiful nieces and nephews- thank you for believing in me, supporting me, encouraging me, helping with our kids, feeding us, taking me to appointments, and for all the monetary help you've given us. A Special thank you to Shawn, who decided to revamp one of his companies and donate 50% of the profit to breast cancer research and patient care, and for all of your beautiful pictures you and Kay took during my journey.

My twin cousin Teresa- thank you for coming to Texas to take care of me, my house, my kids, and Chris during my surgery. I loved every minute that you were here, and I wish you would've stayed longer....or for good. I miss you.

My awesome friends- Merci, Renee, Stefanie, Sarah, Crystal, Joyce, Krissy, Mary, Cassandra, Diana, Megin, Lisa, Stephanie, Eva, Shannon, Maria Eugenia, Sarah, Sandra, Crystal, Lisa, Stephanie, Angela, Ann, Becky, Becca, Tiffany, Tiffany, Sandi, Chandel, Dianna, Tarah, Tiffany, Heather, Helen, Jennifer, Kellie, Denise, Kelley, Kristin, Lori, Candy, Tammy, Whitney, Rebecca, Tammie, Molly, and anyone else I may have forgotten- thank you for driving me to appointments, cooking meals for us, cleaning our house, getting me out of the house, taking my kids to places, bringing them home from school, keeping them during my surgery, for giving me massages, pedicures, photo shoots, family haircuts, and watching our kids, for my lunch dates and coffee dates to get me out of the house, for running errands for me, and for the monetary help you gave us. But most importantly, thank you for all of your encouragement, kind uplifting words, and for all the laughs.

My husbands Awesome workplace: Wyman Gordon- thank you so much for all the support you've given to Chris. Financial support, the time off work for my appointments, the ability to let him work from home when needed, and for promoting him and seeing how truly awesome he really is.

To all my friends/family who don't live that close or work full-time, but supported me in spirit, with prayers, emails, and/or monetary donations; Amber, Jodie, Vivian, all my BBC "JuneBug" friends, my BBC "pregnancy & fertility friends", Wendy, Amy, Kelly, Cathy, Bubba, Juanita, Christine, Rodney, Amy, Chuck and Melissa S, Bobby and Mary S, Dana-Susan, Dawna, Chris, Debbie, Heather, Amy, Mary, Anne, Colleen, Deane, Jennifer, Kelsea, Kevin, Linda, Kim, Lesa, Margie, Stacia, Mercy, Michelle, Jesse, Jessa, Rebecca, Sara, Shawna, Stacy, Stephanie, Gina, Molly, Rachel, JoAnn, Alese, Rhonda, and Becky.

Finally- to my "new PINK big sisters" I've met on this journey- you've been such an inspiration to me and helped calm some of my anxiety, and told me how "normal" I am. I am so grateful that we got to meet and share this journey together. Faith, Hope and Joy are just "happy" words to some people, but to us, it means something totally different! I'm so thankful for Moni, Deana, Helen and Mary who gave me such awesome advice and in turn I get to pass it on to my "PINK li'l sisters" Stephanie, Melanie, and whoever else God sends my way.

I hope I got everyone covered. I still have lingering Chemo brain sometimes.

Again, thank you for following and supporting my journey, inspiring me, praying for me, keeping me writing, and keeping my spirits lifted.

Go check your boobies.......

The Replacement.....

2011-07-03T20:19:00.001-05:00

Chris' truck was stolen on the 13th of June. They found it on June 22. It had some body damage and they took everything out of it. So, they went ahead and totalled it and he began his search for his mustang. He has been DYING for a Mustang Shelby GT 500 for about 6 years now. It was one of those things that we talked about doing when the kids were older. We were going to keep his truck and get the Mustang as a weekend, cruising, date car. Why??? Because it only holds 4 people and we are a family of FIVE! But, we talked about it and the only other thing he would want is a truck. Well, trucks are REALLY hard to find used in good condition, so we would have probably had to buy a new one. We didn't get very much from insurance because it was a 12 year old truck that was stolen. So, a truck the way he wants them runs about $50,000 brand new. He didn't want a new Mustang because they changed the body style in 2010 (I think) and he says the back tail-lights look like they are smiling at you. So, a used Mustang was WAY more affordable than a new truck. Besides, we have the Suburban as our family car, so the Mustang would just be a date car, drive to work car, and if he went somewhere with only 1 or 2 kids.

I was freaking out about having a second car note. We have only had one car note since before I quit working to be a stay-at-home-mom, 6 years ago. The truck has been paid off since then. Well, as God always has our backs.....Chris got a promotion at work about a month ago. He is now the manager of the 35K press at his company. So, we were looking forward to using the extra income every month to re-plenish our savings account, which has become VERY empty with all of our medical expenses. But, God had other plans and at least he got the promotion before his truck got stolen. His raise was almost the same amount as what the new car note is. Thank you Jesus!!!

So, as we are discussing what to get, if the Mustang was going to be practical, and how we would handle certain drop-off and pick-up situations with the kids, I was, at first, really hesitant of him getting a 4 seater. But, he does deserve his dream car, right? He's been SO absolutely wonderful during this past year especially. I mean, he's great all the time, but this year, he has definitely won the "Husband of the Year" award. How can I say no??? He is the one who works for our income, AND....he has had that truck since before we met. I've had 3 cars in that time because we decided that since I primarily tote the kids around, I need the newer, most dependable car. So, I got on board with his Mustang search.

He found one he LOVED and it was a GREAT price. We were going to drive to San Antonio last Saturday to pick it up. Well, the dealership there sold the car the day before we were supposed to leave. Chris was PISSED!!!!! It was the only Black one we could find within 200 miles and he had his heart set on a black Shelby GT 500. We had told the dealership we were coming to pick it up Saturday, and they said they tried to call us when the other guy (who flew in from California to buy it) showed up. Well, the idiot sales guy (Abel) called Chris' work number 3 times after 5 o'clock, and didn't call our cell phones. I called last Friday and gave the used car manager a piece of my mind. He said "I would've held the car for you if we had just talked to you and you said you were for sure going to buy it. Abel said he called all 3 numbers we had for you"........"I DID TELL YOU WE WERE FOR SURE, AND HE DIDN'T CALL ALL 3 NUMBERS....HE CALLED THE SAME NUMBER 3 TIMES!!!!" I told him my 8 year old could call people better than the idiot who called the same number THREE times.... Told him how bad that reflected on his dealership and that we would NEVER do business with them again. All he did was apologize over and over. Really, what else could he do? You can't just produce a used mustang in black that quickly. But, at least I felt better after chewing his ass out.

So, we began the search all over again. Chris found one he liked at a local dealership (Texas Auto Online) in dark smoke grey. He called about it, and in talking to our salesman, Don Staples, he mentioned that they had just gotten in a Roush Mustang in black. He texted pictures to us and we fell in love with it. I actually like it better than the Shelby because it has shinier wheels, (typical girl response, right?) and it had a lot of modifications done on it. For all you people like me who don't know the difference between a Roush and a Shelby, here is what I've learned.... Shelby is produced by Caroll Shelby exclusively for Ford Mustangs. Jack Roush is a different motor maker who takes a GT and drops his engine in it, signs it, and adds a bunch of other stuff. This one is a Stage 3, which means something with Roush engines that means it costs more money, but to me, stage 3 is my original stage of cancer I was diagnosed with, so it was almost as if this was our "sign" that it was our car. The Roush vs the Shelby is a long time running argument. Each one says they are better, and whichever one you have is the one you argue is better. It's kind of like the argument between a Droid and an iPhone. (iPhone kicks the Droid's ass in my opinion...because I have an iPhone)

I read somewhere that they only produce 100 Roush Mustangs per year. Not sure exactly, but that's what I read somewhere. Anyways, it's really pretty, it's really fast, and he LOVES it. I think he looks super HOTT and SEXY driving it.

So, last Friday, we went and bought the 2007 Roush Mustang GT and drove it home. Don was awesome, we got a great price, and we were in and out of the dealership in about an hour, because they did almost everything over the phone for us. We even worked out the price before we got down there, since we would be getting there so late, and I wanted them to hold it for me so he wouldn't lose another Mustang to someone else.

So, if anyone is ever in the market for a Used higher end car, that is definitely the dealership I would recommend! Go see Don Staples! He Rocks!

Here are some pictures:

There is the car....the replacement. Now I have to find me a trailer to haul my booth setup around in for my craft shows. We always used the truck and my Suburban for that. Gosh, so many memories in the truck.... We will have to make new ones in the Mustang now.

SERIOUSLY????

2011-06-14T16:16:00.000-05:00

Mondays go like this.... Brayden has a reading class that I drop him off at. It's across town about 45 minutes away, so I head home and Chris picks him up after work. He does this so that I don't have to kill an hour and a half sitting in my car waiting on him, or trying to keep the other 2 kids from screaming at each other and driving me crazy in a store. (as I'm typing this, they are currently ALL 3 downstairs fighting and screaming at each other...but my motto is..."if I don't hear it, then I can't be judged as a bad mom for not jumping in as referee" so I am oblivious to the screaming...I tune it out)

Anyways, yesterday, Chris picked him up and they went on their weekly dinner date. Brayden is the middle child, so this is their "sure fire man time" that they get once a week. So, Brayden wanted to go to his favorite restaurant..... Burger King... (shaking my head) ....but Chris convinced him to go to nasty CiCi's pizza instead. So, they were in there for MAYBE 20 minutes eating, and when they came out...... his truck was gone!!! Someone stole his truck in broad day-light in a busy strip center parking lot.

So, even though we have insurance, my husband was IN LOVE with that truck, so there isn't a value you can put on that. Our first "I love you" was exchanged in that truck. Many vacations have been taken in that truck. Lots and Lots of memories in that truck. At this point, the truck is most likely a goner, stripped somewhere... and may or may not even be recovered. It's just a matter of when the insurance company calls it a loss and writes us a check for it. Also, they don't cover items like the lift kit, the wheels and tires he added, the $700 he just had to shell out a few weeks ago to fix it, or the tank of gas he had just put in, the sunglasses, his hard hat, boots and laptop from work (which his company will probably just re-issue)...his daytimer, etc.... They cover the carseats that were in it, but we have to go buy new ones first. (Like we really need 3 more carseats.....our 6 we STILL have are plenty, but we had 3 in my truck, 3 in his, and 3 to loan out to whoever helped us out with transportation) But, they won't re-imburse until we buy new ones, so we will be back up to 9 carseats again.

Really.....his truck was 12 years old! Dirty as shit on the inside because he works in a steel pipe shop and comes home 4 shades darker than when he left from all the metal shavings. It looked OK from the outside, but I refused to get inside because it was so dirty and nasty. It had like probably 20 empty water bottles on the floor board because he never cleans it out. It's not valued at that much anyways, except for the lift kit and the wheels. Sooooooo.... when insurance writes us our check, it's not gonna be for very much. We will definitely have a car note. A second car note! We haven't had a second car note since I quit working. That's the one reason I've been able to be a stay-at-home-mom. Because we've only had 1 car note at a time since 2005. I'm soooo dreading that expense. Even a piece of shit is going to be more expensive than what we've been paying, and I would never make him drive a piece of shit.

So, I count my blessings that at LEAST he just got a promotion at work and got a small raise, BUT, my plans of re-stocking our savings account are now out of the question. I swear, we can't seem to ever catch a break or get ahead. Every time we have a little extra money, we get something thrown our way. I praise God that at least he is providing for us, but his raise is not NEAR enough for a second car note. So, I'm scared.

Can we catch a break? Why do we keep drawing the short straw? This really sucks. He's really pissed. I'm just hurt.

I have a TWEET for you....

2011-05-26T11:03:00.000-05:00

I re-activated my Twitter account and added it to my sidebar on the left. I expect this summer to be a busy one, and I can tweet a quick update from my phone so you can see. I still like my Facebook WAY better, but since I keep that page pretty private, this is for my "public" readers and people who aren't on Facebook. Twitter only allows so many characters though, which is why I love my Facebook. I talk WAY too much to condense it down to 140 characters, but I'll try.

So, you can now find me on Twitter (Pinkanaroodle). When I was young, my Dad nicknamed me "Tiffanaroodle" because it was short for Tiffany....go figure.... so that's where my screen name derived from.

I also added a "share" button that you can click on to instantly stream my blog site to your own Twitter account or Facebook page.

Other than that, today is my kiddo's LAST day of school. I have my work cut out for me this summer. 2 weeks of Dance camps for the girl, VBS at our church, Reading Adventure camp for my Kindergartener going to first grade, and lots of other fun activities planned in there as well. I've been working out 4 days a week with my trainer at the gym trying to get my stomach as flat as I can and loose as much weight as possible before my reconstruction surgery in October/November. Dr Garvey wants to know EXACTLY what he has to work with, so he wants me as small as I can get by then. So, MAJOR diet and exercise going on in my house!

So, I'll update as often as I can, and if it's been a while, log on and read my tweets every few days. I'll try to post as much as I can......

....using 140 characters or less.

Love ya!
Tiffany

The month I ran my tail off.....

2011-05-09T19:30:00.000-05:00

Ok, I only wish it were that easy to actually run my ass off. I checked this morning.....it's still there. But I feel like I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off the past month.

So, let's update a little at a time.....

I finished radiation on April 26th!!!! YAY! Towards the end, my skin became pretty burned and very uncomfortable. But, it has since healed for the most part, and peeled like a sunburn. So, I am pleased with how my skin looks today. The stripe may fade a little bit over time, but it just looks like a tan now and not a burn.

My radiation team, Koshy and Thomas (with a broken foot)

Chris, Kaylee and Brayden went with me to my last session to celebrate. I got to ring the bell after my session was over. Then Brayden wanted to ring it, so we rang it together.

I got expanded again on May 5. They added 250cc's I think, which took me back up to about 550cc's. I go in again this Thursday to have more saline added and they are going to go up as high as they can this time. I was at 650cc's before they deflated me, so I bet they try and add at least that much, if not more. It did not hurt this time. I was a little uncomfortable for about a day, but not NEAR as bad as the first time I was expanded. Once I am fully expanded again, I just sit and wait for my tissue, skin and everything else inside to heal and regenerate for 6 months before reconstruction! So, that surgery should be around the end of October or early November.

My fatigue is subsiding some, but not completely yet. I have been working my tail off though. I've been busy making bows, headbands and flip flops to put on my online store website. It keeps me busy, and I needed to replenish my dwindling inventory. Now I just have to take pictures of them all and list them.

Easter was great. We went to Sunday Morning Sunday school and service. Then, we went out for lunch. (Next year I will resume our tradition of a ham lunch with fixings but I was too tired this year) After lunch we all laid down and took a nap and the Easter Bunny hid eggs in the backyard. The kids got up from nap and opened their Easter baskets and then hunted eggs. We had a TON of eggs. Thankfully, the Easter bunny puts coins and change in them and not candy. We try to incorporate both the Easter bunny and also the Resurrection into Easter and this year all the kids were old enough to "get it" a little bit. Grayson said "Jesus died on the cwoss and went into the cave with the big wock and then he dustappeared into the sky". (I LOVE the way he talks) Brayden said "Jesus died on the cross and he healed you from Cancer" and Kaylee knew the whole meaning. She's a smarty pants.

Finally, Mother's Day.....It was yesterday and it was awesome and marvelous all rolled into one. We had my Mom and Christopher's granny out for lunch.

Chris cooked on the pit and made some delicious Pork chops, and then he made cinnamon apples, broccoli and rice casserole, and fresh asparagus with prosciutto ham in it. My husband can COOK! I got smothered with love and kisses from my kids and they got me some beautiful things. My favorites were: a card that Brayden made at school (because he has the most adorable face in it), and Grayson made me a flower pot with his fingerprints on it colored into lady bugs, and Kaylee made me a flower with a picture of her in it. Then they bought me a beautiful necklace. I had a quiet, relaxing day with my mom and my family. I am so thankful that I was here to celebrate this Mother's Day with my 3 reasons for fighting.....Kaylee, Brayden and Grayson.

So, I think I covered everything this past month. I've been spending my days being Taxi cab for the last few weeks of school and activities for my kids. I go to the gym 4 days a week and Chris got me a personal trainer for a few months to help me get back to my goal weight. She's been kicking my butt into shape. Slow process though..... We have a FULL few weeks left before summer begins. Kaylee has her Dance Recital coming up, Grayson has his end of the year program at his pre-school, Brayden and Kaylee both have end of the year awards, and I have BON JOVI!!!! I'll write again soon......

2/3 done with Radiation!!!

2011-04-12T14:13:00.000-05:00

I know, shame on me....I haven't written an update in a few weeks. I had no idea how busy radiation was going to keep me. I knew it was every day, but come on....it only lasts about 45 minutes...

My fatigue set in again, which means I have to get in naps when I can. Most days it's all I can do to stay awake till 4pm when my kids get home. I crash on the couch until Chris walks in from work, and then he takes over so I can go lay down in my bed instead of on the couch. I get absolutely nothing accomplished. My mornings consist of me getting the kids ready for school, (they are mostly self-sufficient, but need some motivational yells sometimes) taking them to school, back home to shower, drop off Grayson at whoever's house he is going to for the day, drive to radiation an hour away, get radiation, drive back home an hour or so to pick up Grayson, and then it's time to go get the elementary kids. I basically live in my car during the day. I have the gas bill to prove it! Thank goodness we are getting a tax return this year because our gas bill for the past 30 days is almost at $1,000. I am not kidding.....I'm totally serious. My suburban has exceeded the $100 fill up mark and Chris drives a truck that is already paid for, so we can't trade it in on something smaller or we will have a car note...so we leave things the way they are.

Anyways, I have completed 20 out of my 30 radiation treatments. So far, I am not burning, it's not itchy, but I do have a brown tan stripe down the middle of my boobs and a dark line in my armpit. I'm told it's probably gonna be permanent. My radiation oncologist, Dr Ludwig, was a bit leery of telling me about the stripe I'm gonna have because she wasn't sure how I was gonna react, but I said... "I'll be cancer free.....the tan line can be blended in with makeup if I need to". I really don't care. If anything, if someone sees it and asks a question, it gives me an opportunity to educate people on breast cancer and the importance of screenings at younger ages. Really.... I'm so over body appearance. It's so over rated anyways.

My friend Diane had the most helpful words for me.....
"YOUR BODY IS JUST A CONTAINER FOR YOUR SOUL"

Isn't that such a true statement? I know that my soul is beautiful, so that's all that matters to me. The transparency of having no hair and only one boob really helps you be able to see people for their souls because I wear my heart on my sleeve where everyone can see it. I can see right through people and see if they have a genuine heart or not. I can see how beautiful they are (or not) from their insides. Cancer really does change you....it gives you a new perspective on LIFE and on "friends" and "family". I've made SO MANY friends along the way who have allowed me to see their beautiful souls and I'm so thankful that God has brought them into my life. My family has been AMAZING. My brothers and sister and my parents have really helped me out more than I can ever thank them for. They don't wait for me to call and ask, they just do what they think I need because they love me. That's the kind of family I wish everyone had. It's the little things that mean the most.

So, now that I'm almost done with radiation, I should have more time to write. The Dr's think that the fatigue should go away again within a week or so of completing radiation. I hope they are right, like they were before. I am sooo not OK with feeling tired all the time. It makes me feel lazy and lethargic, but I don't beat myself up about it because it's not something that can be prevented. I'm just ready to be back to my normal daily habits where I stay awake all day until bedtime. :-)

Here is a few pictures of me and my CRAZY-SEXY husband from a wedding we recently attended. (I wore my wig..that's not my hair..... and for those who know my hubs well....LOOK...HE IS SMILING IN A PICTURE!!!)

So, prayer requests to pray for me at this time...

1. We have REALLY been under attack lately from the enemy. I won't go into details here, but pray that the attacks stop. It isn't doing what it's intended to do, which is put a wedge in our relationship, if anything it brings us closer together, which means that the attacks will probably keep coming. But seriously, we've had enough. Multiple things in the past 2 weeks have happened. House stuff, kid stuff, and personal attacks.

2. Pray for my newest "pink lady" friend Stephanie. She is battling the same cancer as me right now, (with small children as well) and could use prayers of strength, hope, and that her chemo is working. She got some disheartening news at her last appointment, and was upset, but I know she can make it through and beat it!! Please keep her and her family in your prayers.

3. Fatigue to go away as soon as possible! I have missed 2 weeks of Bible study in a row because I've been too tired.

K, thanks again for reading and praying for me! I'm almost through the toughest parts!!! Love you all!!

It's my birthday and I'll fry if I have to

2011-03-19T21:11:00.004-05:00

So, radiation started on Wednesday. I wasn't really sure what to expect even though I had gone in for my simulation. The simulation was on a CT machine, where they lined me all up and took a CT scan, but this was the actual radiation machine. I laid on my mold that they made me and we got all situated. They took a few X-rays to make sure I was in the same spot that I was on Friday. Once they knew I was all lined up, they started radiation. They made some custom metal plates that have notches cut out specifically for my treated areas. I get radiated in 8 different spots. 2 in the center of my chest in between my boobs, 2 on top of my boob, 2 on the side of my boob and 2 under my arm.

Here is a picture of the machine and my mold.

I found this next part very humorous, but you might not... they play music while you are getting your radiation and one of the songs that came on was "Chariots of fire". You know, the typical marathon, slow motion song. I thought back to a memory of watching "Mr. Mom" years ago. Michael Keaton is running in a race for a family picnic against his wife's boss (who he thinks is out to get him and steal his wife). Slow motion....across the finish line... and I had to hold back my giggles so I wouldn't move. It's a very cheesy song, but it played during my radiation and I thought to myself .... "Self....you are about to cross the finish line". This is the very last part of my marathon. (since reconstruction is optional, this COULD be the VERY end, but I am obviously opting for reconstruction) Anyways, I found it ironic and humorous that it played on my first day of radiation. When I told Chris about it though, he didn't get it...didn't find it humorous, and didn't understand why I thought it was.

Anyways, Friday was my birthday. It usually falls on Spring Break every year. Add to boot that I share my birthday with my baby brother Christopher, who decided to make his grand debut on my 8th birthday. I usually don't do much for my birthday because most people are out of town, so being shot with a laser sounded really fun, right? I know, you're jealous that YOU don't get to be shot with radioactive lasers on your birthday.... Chris took the day off work, unbeknownst to me, so he went with me and waited in the gown waiting area while I got radiation.

This time they played "Happy Birthday to You" on the radio and sang it to me.

My radiation technicians for the day were Koshy and Nissa. They are super sweet, but I scared the crap out of Nissa. When she came in to set the machine for the last 2 sprays of radiation, I thought a spider was crawling on me. I jumped a little bit and brushed it off of me, and then noticed that it was the strap for my gown tickling my chest. She thought I had either dozed off and suddenly jolted awake or that something from the machine had dropped on me. We both laughed about it for a minute and once we calmed down and our hearts stopped beating so hard, we finished the last 2 sprays.

Here is also a picture of my favorite Valet manager Stephen. They have complimentary valet parking at St Luke's and since that's where MD Anderson's satellite branch is, and their parking is always full, I valet every day. Stephen and his fiance are expecting a baby any day now. She may have already delivered, but as of Friday, she had not. We chat a bit every day while he sends his guys out to get our vehicles. (I've learned that he had curly hair down to the middle of his back in high school, and he had a knee replacement that caused him to be immobile for 6 months but he kept a blog and got lots of encouragement from it)

Then, after we left there, Chris took me to lunch at Bucca Di Beppo but I was still stuffed from my breakfast in bed that morning, courtesy of my Mom, who was staying with my kids, and a little help from Chris on my frappe. I had some lasagna, but only ate a few bites and packed up the rest to go.

Then we headed to Kohl's because I wanted some new Shape-Up tennis shoes. I bought a new pair and a few clothing items. I had mostly tee shirts and jeans in my closet, or warm ups, and since it is getting warm out in Texas, those weren't working out for me, not to mention that I barely have anything that fits anymore. (Thank you steroids!) So, I got a few spring outfits that are easy to get on and off, and don't draw attention to my boobs or my markings that stay on me till April 26.

After that, we headed home for a little bit and snuggled the kids and had some cake that Mom and the kids made me before loading up and heading off to the auction. Chris works at an antique auction on some Fridays and since I didn't know he was taking the day off work, I kind of got mad at him (not that it was his fault) because there was an auction on my Birthday, which meant that I would not have seen him at all that day. So, he asked if they could put me to work at the auction in the office so we could be together. Even though we weren't actually together, I was with him and I had fun. After the auction, we all went to Ihop to have some late night chow before heading home. I can't wait for the day where our dates don't consist of Dr visits, or auctions, or craft shows without kids. I want a REAL date.

It was a busy day for me, but overall, I guess it was pleasant.

This birthday really meant a lot more to me than other birthdays because I was celebrating LIFE instead of just turning another year older. This is my first birthday since becoming a SURVIVOR and I know I will have plenty more of them to spend with my family. But, it's equivalent to a child's first birthday. Because of my busy schedule, spring break, and lack of energy, I didn't celebrate like I would have liked to, but...oh well. I had lots of love surrounding me, so I can't complain.

This week, I got 3 radiation sessions done....only 27 to go!

Radiation Begins Wednesday (and a few pictures)

2011-03-14T11:43:00.002-05:00

Starting Wednesday, I will be doing radiation every day, Monday through Friday, for 6 weeks. My schedule currently runs through April 26th.

I went in on Friday for my simulation, to get all marked up, and tattooed with 4 little dots. I was totally expecting a tattoo gun to start buzzing, but they just use a hollow needle and stick it in you and drip some ink down the needle. I'm sure this is how they used to do tattoos back in the day, but I've never had one done that way. The tattoo dot is to make sure that even if the lines they have drawn on you come off, they still get you lined up correctly under the machine. I also have some bright reddish/pink lines drawn on me, and some blue lines. Grayson keeps asking me why the doctor drew all over me. Hopefully he doesn't get confused and think it's OK to draw on people.... I can totally see him doing this at school.

Ok, and I finally downloaded pics off my camera to the laptop, so here are a few pictures of my hair growth at this point.... These were taken in late February, so about 2 months after my last chemo...

It's growing in nicely. It's very soft. It looks like it's going to grow in straight, but then in the back, it has these two areas that actually look like curls coming in. So, I'm not sure yet. Most people do have curly hair when their hair grows back, so it wouldn't surprise me....but then again, I don't want to set myself up for curly hair and be disappointed if it comes in straight as a board, like normal. I have Indian blood in me, so straight hair is pretty common, and my entire life.....my hair would NOT hold curl. Wouldn't hold a perm back in the 90's when that was the hair to have, and it wouldn't hold hot rolls in the late 90's/early 2000's when that was in style.... So, I've never had big curly hair....so it would be a change. I would welcome it, even if just for a while.

Also, as promised, here is somewhat of a picture of my crooked un-even boobs. The right side is way smaller than the left and sits higher from the expander. (it's my right side, but in the picture it's the left side) You can really see the difference in this shirt. It's WAY different now that I am deflated, because this one was taken before I was even fully expanded. This was before my last expansion session.

Remember when I mentioned my "hairy butt crack" under my arm.... well, here is a picture of it. I know, it's SOOO not flattering, but then again, you know I show the REAL side of this ugly thing and it is what it is... So, the picture on the left is with my arm extended. The expander goes all the way up to my "fat pocket" under my arm, and with no lymph nodes there, is accentuates it. It is like a crevice or crater in there.....seriously... The picture on the right is my arm down by my side. Tell me it doesn't look like a butt crack....

So, needless to say, having to look at this daily is a gross reminder of how ugly breast cancer is. Never in a million years would I have guessed that I would be celebrating my 34th birthday this Friday with very little hair, and only one boob. I have had some rough emotional days lately. The whole "this isn't fair" has gotten me a few times, and then the modified "mothering" that I have had to do lately has really taken it's toll on me. I am thankful that I am alive for my children, but it also sucks that I can't do certain things with them because of my current limitations. I know, I know.. it will pass, and blah blah blah, but it sucks and for just once, I am actually saying it out loud...

IT'S NOT FAIR!!!

I WANT TO FEEL NORMAL!!!

THIS SUCKS!!!!

Add to boot that we are on Spring break and JuneBug has the flu, and the 8 yr old has an attitude and just got grounded from her iPod, and it's raining its ass off outside.... and we are confined to the house so we don't share germs.... ugh...

I better quit typing now before I depress everyone else...

I'll return in a better mood next time.

:-)

(I added a poll to the left where you can vote on how my hair will grow back)

Fully expanded

2011-03-08T21:49:00.001-06:00

So, I had another expansion on Monday of last week, and then I met with the radiation oncologist Thursday. She wants to start my radiation on Monday, the 14th, so I have to be deflated by then. I also have to go in for a simulation this Friday, so that means that I have to be deflated by this Thursday. So, Thursday afternoon, I got a call from my plastic surgeon's nurse and she wanted me to come in on Friday morning for my last expansion. She said Dr. Garvey wanted as many days as possible in my expander. So, I went in on Friday morning and the PA said Dr. Garvey's instructions were to put in as much as possible and give me some meds for pain. I knew he was gonna torment me. So, they added another 100cc's in my expander which brought me up to about 550 total cc's. I'm about a B/C cup now. After radiation, they cannot add any more than what I was at prior to radiation because the skin changes so much during radiation, so that's why they are so aggressive right now.

Well, I have been in so much pain this week. It's been hard to get comfortable to sleep, to stand, to sit, and to walk. My ribcage feels like it's on fire. This expander is sitting right on my ribcage and it feels like a really bad sunburn with my bra strap rubbing it. I may have mentioned before, my ribcage sticks out really far. No matter how skinny I get, my ribcage sticks out right under my boobs about the same distance as a small set of boobs. Even the PA was surprised at how far it stuck out.

As for range of motion, I'm completely mobile and my arm can do almost the same thing on both sides. I was feeling a burning, and pulling inside my arm, but it has gone away this week. Either that, or my pain has been so bad that it has taken my mind off the arm, but either way, it feels fine.

Fatigue....I think it's back. I cannot make it past 4pm without dozing off. I have fallen asleep on the couch almost every day last week and this week. I feel so full of energy in the morning, but I crash and burn by 4pm. Some nights, it means I stay awake till about midnight, but some nights, I still fall asleep for good around 9pm. I feel lazy and lethargic in the evenings. Sunday, I went to pick up my daughter at my brothers house and on the way there, the boys fell asleep in the car. The birthday party wasn't quite over yet when I got there, so I decided to take advantage of the boys sleeping and I took a quick cat nap in the front seat. Driving there I felt like I was going to doze off, so the power nap was much needed.

My hair is growing back nicely. It is growing straight forward with the "Hesketh cowlick" in the back, but I have enough that I actually have to wet it down and comb it every morning because I wake up with bad bed head. I can sort of part it to the side, so it looks like a boy haircut, but it is growing in thick and soft. I'll try to post pictures soon. I took some last week, but I haven't been on my laptop to download them yet. I've been doing everything on my iPad and iPhone from the couch. I'm hoping to have enough hair soon so that I can actually get a cute pixie cut and put some color in it.

So, this week, I have a Dr's appointment every day except today. I go for my first physical therapy tomorrow and I think they are fitting me for a compression sleeve. Then Thursday, I get deflated (HALLELUJAH!!!!) and Friday, I go for my radiation simulation/marking session. I start radiation Monday and I go every day for 6 weeks. I'm not even looking forward to seeing my gasoline bill.....it cost me $94 to fill up last week and I have to drive to The Woodlands every day and back (about 60 miles round trip) ...in addition to all my other mom-taxi duties. Yikes!!

So, I think that's about all I have to report so far. I'll check in this weekend hopefully. Next week is spring break, so if my little squirts let me get anything done, I'll post about my radiation.

A Dr update

2011-02-21T15:59:00.000-06:00

So, today I went in for my second expansion. I'll go into detail about the process because I don't think I did before, and it's actually a very interesting procedure. Basically, the expander they put inside me is much like an implant. It's an empty bag that looks identical to an implant bag, but made of slightly different material. It's not clear, it's almost a tan color. They stitch it in place and cover it with this webbing material called Alladerm (not sure if I spelled that correctly). That helps it to stay in place since I have no tissue to keep it in place. They filled it up with 300cc's of saline at my surgery. At my last expansion, they added more saline. There is a little magnet inside the bag and they use this little magnet finder and mark an X on that spot. That's where they insert a very large needle. Not a long needle, but a fat hollow one. It only stings a tiny bit during the insertion. Then they attach this syringe to it and suck up saline from a bag and it goes through the syringe, through the needle and fills up the bag. The whole process takes less than a minute. They ask me the whole time if I am feeling pressure because they don't want to add too much at one time. So last time Chris estimated they added about 100-200 cc's. We forgot to ask how much exactly, but it was 2 large syringes full. This time they only added 75cc's. So, if I had to guess, I have about 600cc's in there. The expander they used can hold between 800-1000cc's. (I have pretty big boobies normally so they try to match the shape as best they can.) I have one more expansion left next week and then they have to deflate me for radiation. I have to be as flat as possible for radiation to work properly. I find this process very interesting, so that's why I thought I'd go into detail.

I also got my second drain tube taken out today! YAY! So, aside from a small hole where it was inserted, I am FREE!!! No more drain tubes till my next surgery.

Now, while I was there, I asked quite a few questions and got some not so great answers. It wasn't bad news, it was just not really what I had expected. Here goes:
1. I have mentioned this butt crack looking thing in my armpit. They told me that I had a lot of good salvageable skin, so that's why I was puckered and it was there. I thought that as they expanded, it would go away, but today I found out that it is there because of all the lymph nodes they took out. You know that piece of armpit fat that most of us women have that is SUPER hard to get rid of? You know, the one that sticks out in between our bra cup and bra strap? Well, picture that, but then the expander goes over to that point, so it LITERALLY looks like 2 butt cheeks with a crack in the middle. The PA (Physicians assistant) told me that at reconstruction, he would fix that, but I was stuck with it until then. It's apparently because they removed all 29 of my lymph nodes so there is nothing there to fill it in. LOVELY!!! So, since reconstruction isn't until October or November, if you happen to see me in a tank top or sleeveless shirt this summer, please don't stare at my butt crack...OK? Also, don't point out my hairy armpit. I shave it the best I can, but that stupid butt crack is hard to shave in between...seriously! So, even if my armpit is freshly shaven, it's gonna have some hair in the butt crack. Yep, I have a hairy butt crack in my armpit. Yay me! It's also hard to get deodorant in there. I use a solid roll on, so I do the best I can to coat the entire area as much as possible, but if you happen to get too close and I accidentally stink....sorry in advance! It will be over soon...but we all know how flipping hot it is in the summer here in Texas.
2. I thought they were going to fill up the expander as much as possible, then deflate it, go through radiation, and pump it back up again and go bigger. Not the case. I questioned this because I was worried about the effects of being stretched, "let out", and stretched again and what my skin may look like. My plastic surgeon, Dr Garvey, said that they usually only go back to about 60% of what I was before radiation. So, basically I will be uneven for quite some time. I asked about a prosthetic insert to wear for my self esteem/appearance purpose and he said he did not want me to get one. He said the skin can be irritated and when going through radiation, you don't want ANYTHING touching the skin, because it could cause an infection in the expander therefore causing it to become infected and have to come out. So, again....tank top...summer...don't stare at my un-even-ness. I can stuff my bra with Kleenex, gauze, or any soft substance, but still...lumpy, crooked, and definitely uneven for quite a few months.

I'm still WAY off in size between the two. There is NO WAY that it will be remotely close to my other side with only one expansion left before radiation starts. I'm about an A+ or B- on that side right now, and that's being generous. (My right one is a full D cup) It's also not the same height, which adds to the major uneven look. Let's face it, I've mentioned it before...I have "3-kid-nursing-saggy-boobies" and the expander is the same size as my other boob, but because it's not hanging down on my ribcage, it looks WAY off. So, even when I stuff my bra, one is higher than the other. I can make the right side go OUT by adding stuffing, but I cannot make it go DOWN much. My left one sits in, hangs in, and is cradled by the bra cup. My right one can be indented if you hug me too hard. So, no hard hugs or you may leave me with a dented booby and I wouldn't know it.... :-)

So, as for pain, it is basically all gone. I have some discomfort and still major amounts of swelling though. Under my arm where the lymph nodes are, it feels like a bad sunburn. Like in my armpit, and down my arm on the under side. It feels like a burning sensation. Partly because they were rough in there removing the lymph nodes, and partly because they are just gone and my nerves in my arm got quite the workout. Please refrain from touching my right arm if you remember. It's like slapping a friend on the back when they are nice and sunburned. It also hurts if my arm is pulled down too hard. Children...please pull all you want on Mommy's LEFT arm, but do NOT pull my right arm...OK? Grayson is the WORST about this because apparently he likes to hold my right hand and not my left and he's just at the right height where if he decides to bounce, skip or hop, he pulls and tugs on my arm. OUCH!

My breast is not as tender, and it's not sore at all, it just feels like 1000 lbs sitting on my ribcage bone, and at the top, it's very sensitive to the touch. It's the nerve issue again. Because they were so invasive, my nerves got quite a workout. If you barely even touch the skin on the top of my breast (like above the nipple that used to be there) it is like pins and needles. They want me to touch it as much as possible to stimulate the nerves and get them used to being touched, but dang...that's like tummy time for an infant who hates tummy time. I touch it as much as possible, but it stings and I don't wanna do it. Grayson has a habit of laying his head right on it when he is sitting on my lap. UGH! I feel like it's hooked up to electrodes or something and they zap me constantly. He's even pushed off with his head, or laid his head on my breast, and once he even headbutted me there and Oh....My....Gosh.... that frikkin hurt! But I can't NOT snuggle my little sweet cheeks, so I suck it up. I wouldn't want him to think he "hurt" mommy, so I try and grin and bear it most of the time and just tell him to be careful of Mommy's boo-boo.

I can shower and dress by myself. I can lift my arm up high enough to put on a T-shirt over my head. I have enough muscle use to pull up jeans and button them now. Today was the first time I've been able to wear jeans since surgery. I've been hanging out in lounge pants or yoga pants and button up or zip up shirts and hoodies. I have finally started to lose some of the weight. THANK THE LORD!! I've lost 5 lbs so far and I'm determined, so it's only a matter of time. Most of you know me...when I put my mind to something I always succeed and never give up! I am cooking, cleaning as much as I can without over using my arm, and I have mostly productive days. I've even had a few days of MAJOR energy bursts here and there where I've gotten a LOT accomplished. Like, I wear out Chris.... with chores, errands, tidying the house, making a few shirts for orders, following me around the house saying "damn, aren't you tired yet?" Now, if I do a lot of walking or strenuous activities (like yesterday we went shopping at Target, Wal-mart and Costco) my underarm will get a little sore and swollen. So, I chug the water, and sit down for a bit once I get home and poor Chris and the kids get to unload all the crap from the car.

So, if I can get some decent, non pornographic pictures of my "butt crack armpit" and my un-even-ness, I will post them. We will work on that later. It's really quite a site, but only a few people have seen my actual "incision/nub". When I take off my bra, you can TOTALLY see the lopsidedness in person, but I don't know if the camera will pick it up. But, since I have brothers, and my husbands family and friends reading my blog....I won't show anything graphic...for their sake. (and out of respect for Chris, for the guys who wouldn't MIND seeing it....LOL) But, if you see me in person, AND YOU ARE A WOMAN, and you want to see....I really don't mind showing you. Just ask. I'll strip for ya..... ;-) It is very interesting looking.

So, that's it for now.... I'll write more when I have something else to humor you with.....

Tentative Schedule:
Final expansion is next Monday, Feb 28
Radiation consultation is on March 3
Follow up with my Oncologist is March 7 (and probably my deflation)
I begin radiation sometime during the week of March 7th and go for 6 weeks, 5 days a week. (approx 3/7-4/15...ish)

I'm pumped up!

2011-02-15T10:20:00.000-06:00

I can't say "pumped up" without doing it in an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice.

I went in for a follow up visit yesterday. They added about another 100 cc's of saline to my expander. Chris said I look like a full A cup on that side now. I compare it to a clementine orange. (and that's being generous) It matches SOOO well with my grapefruit size on the other side. I never realized how big my boobs were until you have a small one sitting right next to my normal one. Yikes!

They removed one of my drains. They were both at a point where they could both be removed, but they don't like to remove both of them at the same time, so only one came out. I still have the other one for another week. It should come out next Monday when I go in for another pump up session.

I'm not really sore like I thought I'd be. I am a little stiff when I wake up in the mornings, but it goes away after a while and after I get moving. The crappy part is that I am a right side sleeper so I don't feel like I've been getting good rest lately because I have to sleep on my back or sitting up. I did actually roll to my left side last night at some point, but I tossed and turned so much last night that Chris said it looked like I had a fight with the covers in my sleep.

I've found that the only things I really do with my right arm are: wipe my booty, spank the kids, carry my purse and talk on the phone. I've managed to accomplish them all left handed now except spanking the kids because I haven't needed to. They all feel a little weird, but I'll adjust.

I weighed this morning for the first time in about 3 weeks. Let's go with "I'm still swollen from surgery" OR "this drain tube weighs 10 pounds" as my excuse. GOOD LORD!!! I need to get my ass in gear although in the back of my mind I keep thinking..."if I don't lose any weight, I'll have more tummy to work with when they make me new boobs" but they want me at my goal weight for reconstructive for best results. So, I better get busy.....

I am officially CANCER FREE!!!!

2011-02-11T11:52:00.000-06:00

I went for a follow up appointment with the surgeon Wednesday. We went over my pathology report. She said that out of the 29 lymph nodes she removed, NONE of them had any cancer remaining. So, at first I was a little bummed because they basically removed them for nothing, but it is better to be over cautious than over confident. So, I chose to look at it as a complete response to chemotherapy in my lymph nodes rather than a "removal for no reason".

My tumor that was removed had a clear margin around it. So, they removed enough and there were no traces left behind. My tumor shurnk tremendously, and it showed that it was almost cancer free. There were still a few viable emboli (traces of cancer cells) that showed they had been treated with chemotherapy, but it was not completely dead. It's all out of my body, but the tumor was not 100% dead tissue. So, I'm cancer free because it was removed, but it wasn't considered a complete response because of the few cells remaining inside the tumor. She said it is the next best thing to a complete response.

Next step is 6 weeks of radiation after I heal from the mastectomy, and then a 6 month break before reconstruction.

I still have both of my drain tubes in place, and I haven't been expanded yet. I go Monday for a follow up with the plastic surgeon, and he will remove at least one drain and pump up my expander a little bit.

My pain has subsided, I am just tender, bruised and a little swollen. All in all, I am very happy with my progress and I have SO MANY reasons to celebrate! Thank you all for your continued prayers!

1 week post surgery

2011-02-08T01:13:00.000-06:00

I never thought I'd have to stuff my bra. Here I am, 33 years old with a size D cup on one side and barely an A cup on the other. I had a lot of salvageable skin so I am very puckered and one part, right under my arm, looks like it has a butt crack. It's also due to a lot of swelling but it looks funny. So I stuff my bra on one side with gauze (also to protect my incision and keep my lovely bra from rubbing it). Then I have this lovely Velcro belt that holds my drain bulbs and its wrapped around my waist so I look all lumpy and like I have a weird shaped growth under my shirt. It's very attractive, really. (sarcasm eye roll)

Aside from that, I am doing very well. I went in for a post op visit yesterday and they were very happy and impressed with my range of motion in my arm. I can't lift it all the way up yet, but it's getting there. They were going to add more saline in my tissue expander, but I was still too tender so they decided not to. (Thank God!!!) so, next Monday they will add saline and take out one drain tube. The following Monday, they will add more saline and remove the second drain tube. So I'm stuck with these darn drain tubes and major uneven breasts till the 21st. Actually, my breasts will probably be uneven until reconstruction in October but they will be a little closer. Maybe I wont have to stuff my bra much longer. :-)

They also replaced my pain meds. I was on Narco and they kept making me tired and very dizzy. I almost lost my dinner one night from the dizziness so they switched me to Ultracet. Much much better.

So, there is my update. Lopsided, and wrinkled with a butt crack under my arm, but CANCER FREE!!!!! Can't complain.

Update day 2 post op

2011-02-03T16:20:00.000-06:00

My pain is subsiding some. I'm still in pain because they beat me up so bad during surgery, but the pain is slowly going away. I am able to move around better and I can almost get out of bed by myself. I can go up and down the stairs by myself without an escort. I am really dizzy though from the medicine. It's one of the side effects. So I'm slow going because I have to watch out for things spinning around me. My arm can raise about half way up and can rotate some too. I slept pretty decent last night too. I finally fell asleep just before 10pm. Chris came to bed at 10 and gave me my pain pills and I slept until 2am when it was time for the next round. I took those at 2 and wasn't able to fall back asleep until about 3am. I slept like a baby until 6am when I was due for more pills. I got up at that time because it is Kaylee's birthday today and I wanted to tell her Happy Birthday before she left for school. After the kids left for school I laid down and took a nap until about 10:30am.

I finally was able to shower today. I had to wait 48 hours before I could shower because of the drain tubes but it felt so good to feel somewhat clean. It was hard to shower with the drain tubes in place but I managed to get all the important parts clean anyways. I got a look at my battle wound. Its pretty scary. We had already decided that the kids would not see my scars and today re-assured that thinking. I've seen mastectomy scars before, but because my tissue expander isn't filled up yet it looks awful. I'm puckered and gathered under my armpit and looks funny. Then it's swollen where the drain tubes are sticking out. Throughout this all, my husband still looks at me with love in his eyes and sees me as beautiful still. Thats the best feeling of all. No words are necessary. I can feel and see his love for me and I know that even though he is a boob man, he loves me for my insides.

Well, tonight we are celebrating my sweet baby girls 8th birthday. Spaghetti dinner, presents and lots of love. We have a snow day tomorrow (not because we are expecting a blizzard, but in Texas if it starts snowing at all the town shuts down) so we will spend tonight with hot chocolate in hand and watching Kaylee's movie choice.....Evan Almighty.

I'm a little lopsided

2011-02-02T08:05:00.000-06:00

Surgery went well. It took about 5 hours and they took out a really good margin. My tissue expander is in place but very painful. My throat is extremely dry from the intubation but hopefully it will feel better soon. Pain medicine is working but not 100%. I'm in so much pain that I just don't think it will get down to a 1 on any drug. My pain level is about a 5 and will get down to a 2 once the pills kick in. I just feel like I have an elephant sitting on my chest. I have a burning sensation on my side up by my armpit. They only put in about 300cc's into my expander and it holds 900cc's. So, I have my normal D size booby on the left and I look like a 10 yr old with a bud on the right side. So, I have about a boob and a half, if that.....

They were able to remove my lymph nodes through the same incision so I only have the one scar. I am supposed to start on my exercises today, but I'm in so much pain I don't see that happening. I'll have to get Chris to help me get them done.

I know the pain is temporary, but the thought that I am OFFICIALLY cancer free now that the tumor is gone is a great feeling.

Getting prepared

2011-01-27T10:31:00.000-06:00

So, I have had lots of ideas of what to pack in my surgery bag for the hospital. I've been given a deck of cards, chap stick, some chocolate, slippers, lotions, etc... Things I probably would have just gone without, but since I have them in my bag, I'll most likely use them.

My twin cousin, Teresa, is coming in Sunday. I call her my twin cousin because we are SOOOO much alike, we joke that we are twins. We have the same personality, we handle things the same way, we relate to each other, and we don't take shit from people. We are both nice, but Lord have mercy if you piss us off. But at the same time, we are also both very forgiving and don't hold grudges for long. Our only major difference is about 75 pounds and 10 inches difference. She is teeny tiny. I am not. Anyways, she wanted to come and pick up my role for 2 weeks so Chris could concentrate solely on me and my recovery. I am so happy she is coming. I miss her and wish I could see her more often. Can't wait to see her!!! (She is Russell's mom, my adorable cousin that came in September)

So, since she will be here for 2 weeks, we will have lots of catching up to do, lots of stories to tell, and lots of girl time too, so don't expect too many blog posts till Valentines day or so. I just have to make sure she doesn't pack Grayson in her suitcase to go back home. Too many people want to steal him, not that I blame them, but he is not leaving his mommy's side.

My oldest daughter turns 8.... 2 days after surgery. Trying to get all her birthday stuff in order and make her birthday special, is taking up most of my time right now. 8 is a HUGE year!!! She is one year closer to teen-age years and boobs! YIKES!! For some reason, in girls, the maturity age gap is from 7 to 8. At 7, they are still immature, innocent little girls who like to play dress up and dolls. At 8, they suddenly become maternal, mature, and grown up. Ugh..... I have one weekend left to go get whatever else I need for her Big Day! I ordered cupcakes to be delivered to her dance class that day so her dance team could celebrate with her. Chris is off work that whole week to take care of me, so I'll probably send him up to the school to have lunch with her. I'll give Teresa the recipe for Kaylee's vegan cupcakes and have her make those that day. My only dilemma is that the Wii game we want to get her (Rock Band Country Pack 2) doesn't come out until February 1st, so I'll have to send Chris to fetch that too. I can't order it online because they can't guarantee it will be here by her birthday, 2 days after it's release. So, no big deal, but just something I have to make sure is written down for Chris. Lord knows I won't be thinking straight on all the pain killers, and he won't remember unless it's right in front of him.

My kids are all disbursed out for the day of surgery and the day after, until we get home. Not sure yet what I'm gonna do with the baby, but I will figure it out once Teresa gets here. I want her to be with me at the hospital, so that's one day I am trying to cover childcare. He may have to skip pre-school and stay with another relative. My mom also wants to be at my surgery, and bless her heart, she hasn't been at anything so far because she has been my babysitter, which is where she is called to help. But, her daughter is going to have a boob cut off, and it's only right that she be there for that. My kids are excited to have a 2 night sleep-over with their friends! I'm happy because it will help calm their fears and keep their mind off things.

Chris will be posting surgery updates on my Facebook page that day. I will tell him to post on the blog, but I can't promise you he will remember, or feel comfortable doing it. But, if he doesn't post on here for me, as soon as I'm able to think a little bit and not be all loopy, I will post an update. But, if you're on my FB page, check there for updates. I'm not sure what time my surgery is for. I have to call Monday at 3pm to get the surgery schedule for Tuesday.

Chris will have my phone with him during surgery, but he will also have his phone, so please don't overwhelm the poor man with texts, bless his heart. (He just came around into the techno world and got an iPhone recently, so he is still learning all this new "fan-dangled fancy schmancy shit") I don't think he has any idea how many texts I get on a normal day..... much less on a day where the Heavens are flooded with prayers for me and people thinking of me. He knows I have a lot of friends, but I don't think he knows quite how many..... ;-) So, please just check my Facebook page, email me, write on my wall, or leave a comment here if you want to send me a special message. I'll get it, but then he won't feel like he has to respond to every single message.

Lastly, I welcome visitors, but I will also have a lot of post-op appointments, so call first to see if I will be home. Like I said, my cousin will be here for 2 weeks, so I probably won't want a lot of company during that time because we don't get to see each other but about every other year, normally. So, I'll be up her ass and vice versa till she leaves on the 13th. But I imagine I will become a hermit crab for a few weeks after that and not go out much because I'll be trying to let my body heal as much as I can and I don't want to over-do anything, risk popping a stitch and getting an infection, or anything else. So, definitely come keep me company after that. I have a very comfy couch to sit on :-)

OK, so I think that's about it. I really didn't have anything to blog about, so I was just thinking out loud.

I love you all, and thank you for keeping me and my family in your prayers. I really am quite sure that's why I've done so well thus far, and had such good progress. Thank you for supporting me, helping me, and loving me during this journey. YOU have made it easier! YOU are the reason I look so good (as in not sick)! YOU are the reason I am always happy! I wish every patient had support like I do.

Surgery is right around the corner....

2011-01-15T11:35:00.001-06:00

I'm starting to get a little nervous. My surgery date is February 1. I'm about 2 and a half weeks away from being boob-less. But, I'm not so nervous about the actual surgery. I'm nervous about my kids being dispersed to various places. Since it falls on a weekday, they are staying with friends from school so their schedule will not be interrupted. I think they are excited about it, but I'm a nervous Nelly. Kaylee is already planning what she is going to wear, what she is going to take, and things she is going to do. (She is an eensy-weensy tad bit like me....) Brayden could care less as long as he has his cow and blanket with him. Grayson has no idea that he will be staying somewhere else, but he does know Mommy's boob is getting cut off. Every time I get out of the shower (since I haven't showered in private in almost 8 years) he says "mommy, you still have boob?" What can I say....he is a boob man. He makes his Daddy proud.

So, I'm also trying to figure out what I am going to pack. I'm only going to be there over night, and will be coming home the next day, so I don't have to pack a lot, but the only time I've ever had to pack a "hospital bag" was when I had my babies. This is COMPLETELY different. On my list so far is some button down (easy to dress) pajamas, panties, iPad, phone chargers, and toiletries. I know I'm forgetting some things, but I can't figure out what. Isn't it obvious what is important to me? My phone and iPad....go figure. So, if you think of anything else I might need, feel free to leave me a comment.

The other thing on my mind a lot is why it's called a Mastectomy. That is WAY too close to Vasectomy. So, I looked it up and "ectomy" means the surgical process of something being removed. So, if mastectomy means the removal of the breast, and oophorectomy means removal of the ovaries, and hysterectomy means removal of the womb.....why doesn't vasectomy mean they remove the penis? Men have it WAY too easy.

That's all I got for today.......

New Year, New ME..Or not...

2011-01-03T20:29:00.001-06:00

So, it's the new year....I know we are supposed to make New Years Resolutions, and I thought long and hard, but there really isn't anything that I need to accomplish, at least not anything within my control. I'd love to lose the weight that I gained during chemo. 24 weeks on steroids wreaked havoc on my body. Add to boot that nothing tasted decent except for BBQ, Chinese food and pasta, and I have quite a few lbs to lose. But, I am not really focusing on that right now...I can't. I still can't wear tennis shoes because my big toenail still hurts, so exercise in flip flops is not really safe. Besides, I have other things to focus on right now besides losing a few lbs. I'll do what I can, but I'm not gonna bust my ass doing it because I'd rather focus on letting my body heal itself.

I've mended all my important relationships, which was one of my resolutions from last year.
I've dropped Diet coke from my daily routine. I haven't had one in almost 6 weeks. That was my other resolution. So, I did good and accomplished my goals for last year, but I got nothing for this year.

I'm not one to make a resolution that I can't keep, like not swearing, or thinking before I speak, or not eating chocolate. Those are just too difficult for me and they wouldn't last. So, I only want to make ones I know I can accomplish.

I found this article online for the top New Years Resolutions and thought they were amusing, but still, nothing grabbed me...

1. Drink Less Alcohol- I don't drink too much anyways, so my occasional drink isn't something I'm willing to give up.

2. Get a Better Education- uuummm, I have 3 small tots and have no time for that...especially when I'm coming up on radiation which is daily for 6 weeks!!!!

3. Get a Better Job- what better job is there than being a SAHM??? (that stands for Stay-At-Home-Mom.....not Stupid-ass-Ho-Motherfucker in case you were wondering)I Love my job!!

4. Get Fit- yeah ok... A little, but I'm not going overboard and setting unrealistic goals for my current situation...

5. Lose Weight-see above

6. Manage Debt- ummm, yeah... I have medical bills....do those count? If not, then my debt is already under control and has been for years.... We stay debt free except for car and house.

7. Manage Stress- yeah, I have a lot of stress at the moment, but we've eliminated as much stress as we possibly can. Some of it just come naturally with Cancer....and relatives.

8. Quit Smoking Now - I did that already. It was one of my resolutions for last year.

9. Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle - when our neighborhood offers a recycle pickup, I'd love to recycle, but in my small po-dunk town, the recycle center is only open for like 4 hrs on Wednesday and I don't ever have time to drop it off, or remember to load it in my car.

10. Save Money- see above mentioned medical bills....I'll save next year when hopefully they are all paid off.

11. Take a Trip - already have this planned. For Chris' birthday, since his birthday is 3 days after Christmas (yeah, that sucks) I always spoil him as much as I can. So, since he has been so freaking AMAZING and AWESOME through this "adventure", I bought us a 2 night trip to Dallas at the Gaylord Hotel with all this Cowboys stuff. It's called the ultimate Dallas Cowboys Weekend for the 2011 season and we get to tour the stadium, go to the game with seats down low in the end zone, tailgate parties, and an autograph session with current and alumni players. Football season starts right around our 11th anniversary, and he gets to pick which game he wants to go to, so it's a Birthday and Anniversary gift combined. (I scored 'wife of the year' with that present)

12. Volunteer to Help Others - I already do this, except that right now, I'm kind of on the other side of that curtain... I know I'll resume once I'm done, but right now, it's all I can do to keep up with my own life....

So, as you can see, I don't really have any New Years Resolutions. I'll be cancer free by the end of the year, I'll have new healthy boobs, and I have a bunch of new friends that have come during this journey, so I am already a new ME, and I don't really have anything to change at the moment. I love life, I love my family, I love my friends, I love God and I love me. Life doesn't get much better than that!!!!

Bell ringing ritual, and party with my kids

2010-12-24T09:43:00.000-06:00

Chris went with me to my final chemo. December 23, 2010. We had a good day celebrating and afterwards, I got to ring the bell that symbolizes moving onto the next chapter.

I took a quick nap during my drip session. Apparently, My husband thought I looked so sweet sleeping that he decided to snap a picture. (the ring I am wearing was given to me by my little supporters, Evie and Lauren Nolan. They saw it and said "mommy, Mrs Tiffany needs this ring". Such sweet girls taking after their momma with their thoughtful hearts.

That's me ringing the bell. Marking the end of this chapter and getting me one step closer to my final journey!!! We headed home and arrived to a mini party that my kids and my mommy threw together. They made posters, and blew up balloons for my arrival.

My yard

Front door

Kids greeting me inside showing their support

entry way

more of the entry way

my chain of treatments.
We add a new link every time I have a treatments.

Getting my kisses

Brayden's poster...go figure..it says butt

Grayson's poster....Love the backwards E

Kaylee's poster

I gave my mom a hard time about the poster she made.
Bless her heart, she thought it was a cheer...
I said she was calling me a ho.

Hell yeah....16 baby!!!!!

2010-12-23T12:03:00.000-06:00

Today is my very last chemo. #16 all together. So, I thought I'd post a little 16 tribute to myself, since I am a numbers freak.
1. Today I noticed that I needed to pluck my eyebrows. They are growing back quickly and when I color them in, they look funny because they are growing in all bushy.
2. Today I also had to put on mascara. My eyelashes are short and stubbly but they are thick and beautiful to me!!!!
3. No more steroids after today!!! I've been on steroids since July 29, and today is my last dose of them. Finally my appetite is going to subside and I wont be as hungry. YAY!!!
4. I will be starting off the new year a new woman. Chemo will be over with and I'll be feeling good by new years day.
5.I shaved my legs 6 days ago, and I already need to shave again. Even though this is quite a chore for me and I haven't missed it, the thought that I NEED to shave excites me.
6. I woke up this morning with bed head. This completely made my day. When I shaved my head, and then it thinned out almost all the way, I didn't have bed head. EVER. So to wake up with bed head is SUPER EXCITING!!!!
7. I will no longer have to eat off plastic silverware after next week. The metal taste in my mouth will subside in a few days.
8. My taste buds will go back to normal after about 2 weeks and I'll be able to enjoy regular foods and not be so limited as to what tastes good.
9. My clothes will start fitting better as my weight starts to drop off from the steroids. This is really exciting for me.
10. My face will not be as puffy anymore.
11. My glasses won't be tight on my face anymore as the facial swelling goes down.
12. I will have to start allowing more time to get ready since I will have to start actually fixing my hair soon.
13. No more fatigue!!! Hopefully. Fingers crossed
14. My nails will quit lifting and will actually start growing back onto the nail beds.
15. I am one step closer to my awesome tattoo to represent this journey.
16. I'm one step closer to great looking boobies with Dallas Cowboys stars tattooed on instead of nipples. Oh yes.... You read that right. But too bad only a few select people will get to see that.

I am also thankful today for the numerous people who have shared this journey with me. Watching my kids, giving them rides, bringing us delicious food, cleaning for me and Chris when we couldn't keep up or didn't have the energy to do it ourselves,and calling to check on us periodically. I'm also thankful for the financial support we've received from some. It has helped MORE THAN YOU KNOW!!! This is an expensive way to get my boobs, but in the end they will be a healthier pair. We obviously didn't plan or budget for this over the past year and it snuck up on us at a horrible time financially, so this blessing is so totally unexpected, and appreciated.

So, thank you for all sharing this journey with me. Even though I still have MONTHS of crap ahead of me, I think I'm through the worst part of it. I have reason to celebrate this Christmas and I will definitely be starting the new year off right!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU AND YOURS!!!!!

My only complaint so far....

2010-12-20T10:53:00.000-06:00

I have not complained hardly at all during this whole ordeal. I'm fine with losing my hair, in fact, I've found some good points to it, and made a top ten list. But, the fingernails.....that part sucks!!! They have basically lifted about half off my nail bed. Every single one of them. They are nasty, yellow and discolored, but I don't even care about the looks.....it's the tenderness and pain that I complain about. This is pretty much the worst side effect I've had. No mouth sores, no sickness (except the one time from reflux) and I'm ok with losing hair.... and even though I have fatigue, it doesn't hurt...

Have you ever tried to clean with nails like this? I have and I hit them against the counter while I was wiping it, and it hurt sooo bad! I've hit them on shelves, I've raked them across my jeans, and I've almost ripped them off trying to open a drawer. I can't even hardly put Kaylee's hair in a ponytail. I did finally find one way that I can do it, where I loop my pinky finger through her pony tail holder and pull with my finger, not my fingernail. My toe nails are probably just as bad, but they stay painted so I haven't seen them. Grayson steps on them ALL THE TIME and it freaking hurts! I've cried from him doing it because it hurts so bad. I've kicked toys, and scraped them under a counter once too and talk about PAIN! I've resorted to toe socks (which I absolutely HATE, but I have to do something to keep my toes warm since I can only wear flip flops.)

I'm told that they should NOT fall off, and that they should grow back onto the nail bed as they grow out, but I still have one more treatment left, so its a waiting game. I was told to keep them short and clipped to avoid any accidents, so I do that, but they still hurt. They are tender, and hurt, but only when I touch the tops of them. It makes it really hard to do anything. Cook, clean, open cans, drawers, and jars...wear shoes, pull up a zipper, dig in pockets or bottom of purse, type on computer, pretty much....most of my daily activities.

Oh, and can you imagine if I were to get cleaning products under there???? BURN!!!!

Yeah....this part sucks.

One more chemo left!!!!!

Fatigue and Cancer...it's a real thing, not just an excuse to be lazy!!!

2010-12-08T14:53:00.000-06:00

I am currently meeting with a Dr for my fatigue caused by cancer. She said it is a proven valid condition, but that no one knows why or how it happens yet. They are still doing research on why some people are affected by it, and some people aren't. Two people can have identical cancer, and be going through identical treatments, and one will get fatigue and one will not. I don't know if it's the fact that I have 3 children under age 7 draining all my energy, or if my body is fighting so hard to beat the cancer and it takes everything I've got....but one thing is for sure....it sucks! I have a moderate to severe case of it and I am on medication (Ridalin equivalent) to try and combat the fatigue I feel. It helps some, but one thing the Dr told me is "SAVE YOUR ENERGY FOR WHAT IS IMPORTANT!" She really stressed that to me. She said if you have people willing to do things for you, let them, so that you can conserve your energy for your children and family time.

Now I would love to clean my house, cook dinner, run errands, and be a super mom, but the fact of the matter is.... I cannot do it right now. I know people admire my strength and my courage, but inside, it is a HARD battle. One I would not even wish on my worst enemy. I am not much of a complainer, and I REFUSE to throw myself a pity party. So, if you were to ONLY read my blog and not actually talk to me, or spend any time with me...you might think I am stronger than I really am. People who actually spend time with me and talk to me can see that I am struggling.....physically and emotionally.

I struggle with the fact that my children have to do more on their own these days. At times, I feel guilty for sitting on the couch when there are things to be done. Truth be told, this is NOT my normal character. I am typically an "on-the-go" type of person. I rarely go anywhere anymore. Not by choice, but because I simply cannot muster up enough energy to go shower, get dressed and drive somewhere. Some days are better than others, obviously, and I can get stuff done. But, I never know which days I will have energy and which days I won't have even an ounce. I DO choose to conserve my energy for those hours when my children are home and need my help with homework, or want me to go outside and watch them ride their bikes. I conserve my energy for a quick trip to the grocery store. I conserve my energy for an hour of alone time with my husband sitting on the couch talking. Those are the things that are important to me.

Chris will often make me get out of the house with a friend. He will practically force me to go out some nights even if I don't want to. Granted, sitting on your ass at a girlfriends house doesn't expend hardly any energy at all, but at times, I still don't feel like I can do it. But he makes me go and I am thankful for that because I always feel refreshed and energized when I leave awesome company.

A typical day for me goes like this:
I wake up at 7:30, the kids have been dressed and fed already, and lunches made, thanks to my awesome husband. I brush my teeth and make my cup of coffee while the car is warming up. I drive the older 2 to school and return home with Grayson. (Kaylee even carries him out to the car for me, because she loves acting like his momma, and she will buckle him up) Grayson and I will lay on the couch for a little bit. He will do a puzzle, play with trains, or watch cartoons while I lay there. I muster up enough energy to make his lunch, or get him a snack if he needs it. But, it's a sandwich, or a nutri grain bar, or something easy. He lays down for a nap and I conserve enough energy to carry him up the stairs because it's important to him. When he lays down, I also lay down. I nap until he gets up. Then, we go back downstairs and lay on the couch again until it's time to go get the kids from school. We go get them and come back home. I help Kaylee and Brayden get their homework done, and I make sure they get a quick snack. Sometimes, people bring us dinner, and sometimes Chris cooks when he gets home. Often times, we re-heat something from the freezer or he makes grilled cheese sandwiches or macaroni for the kids. We eat dinner together as a family, and then it's bath and bed time for the kids. By this time, if I go upstairs, I stay upstairs because I simply don't have enough energy to go up and down the stairs any more for the day. If I don't go upstairs, the kids will all tell me goodnight and I'll take a quick nap while he is bathing them and putting them to bed. I spend an hour or so with him in peace and then I head to bed.

Now, some days, I have more energy and I actually get out and run a quick errand, or throw a load of clothes in the laundry, or run the vaccuum. I've even cooked a few times. Those days, and those small things make me feel accomplished. With Christmas lurking around the corner, I have a few more people to shop for before the kids are out of school. But, if I don't get out to do it, it's not a big deal.

I say all this to say: I am THANKFUL and so grateful for the people in my life who care enough to help. I have an AWESOME team of friends, (some of who I knew before all this, and some who I am getting to know now) who help by giving rides to my kids, cooking dinner for us, taking Grayson for a few hours so I can rest, cleaning or paying for a cleaning service, and even running an errand for me so I don't have to.

I have had people come help me out at my craft shows (I signed up for them last year and even though it's hard work, it provides a small amount of spendable cash for the holidays), I've had friends who call me and just get me out of the house for a quick coffee, or dinner, and I have friends who don't take no for an answer, and do things without me asking. I have not asked for any help, they have just done it. They are beautiful people and they all help in their own way. I am eternally thankful for those people. Those people show the true heart of Jesus and live as an example to others.

I've definitely seen people for their true self, and it's beautiful.

Until you go through something as life changing as this, you cannot fully understand what it is like to walk an inch in my shoes. It's horrible, but it happens. It happens to good people. It happens to people who don't deserve it. It simply happens.

I've also been chastized for "partying with the girls instead of cleaning my own house" and to that person, I have to say......
"Walk an inch in my shoes before you open your mouth and pass judgement on me. You have no idea what I go through on a daily basis. You have no idea how I feel. You have no idea how hard this is....because you don't really care to know. Leave my family alone and quit pretending like you care, because we all know you don't, and God sees your heart for what it really is. When you personally attack someone in my situation, you let everyone know how truly shallow and lonely you are. I pity you, but I still love you and forgive you in spite of your negative words and actions." May God bless you anyways.

Thank you again to all my "helpers" and "fairies" who have helped me out, without me asking. I adore each and every one of you. Without you, this battle would be a lot harder, and I wouldn't have as much strength.

Tiffany

New Surgery Update

2010-12-08T09:53:00.000-06:00

Friday, I met with my surgeon again. I told her I wasn't comfortable with the TRAM flap procedure and asked more questions about WHY I couldn't have the tissue expanders and implants. I told her that I just was not comfortable with that surgery, with the HUGE scar left across your stomach from hip to hip, and with the "non-perki-ness" of the breasts made out of the stomach tissue. We talked for a bit and came up with these results:

1. RISK: Some people who are going through radiation can look sun burned, some will blister, and some people with tissue expanders can get an infection with the tissue expanders. If I happen to get an infection, they will have to remove them and we will be back at square one, plus it will delay my radiation a little bit because we'd have to stop radiation to have the surgery to remove them.

SOLUTION: Antibiotics can cure an infection, plus removing them will speed the process, so it's not life threatening. It's just a setback, and it may not even happen. I'd rather take the chance and have that option rather than just cutting off the whole boob and ONLY having the TRAM flap option. I've defied all odds so far, so chances are... I'll defy those odds too. I got a TON of prayer warriors on my side, so I'm thinking this is not even going to be an issue.

2. I would always regret it if we just went ahead and went with the TRAM flap and total mastectomy without giving the skin sparing mastectomy with tissue expanders and implants a chance. It's a 50/50 chance of infection, but it does not change my survival rate, my re-occurrence rate, or my overall outcome. The only risk is the possible infection. I'm willing to take that chance if it means better cosmetic results in the end.

So, they've switched my plastic surgeon to one who will do the tissue expanders and I meet with him before my surgery date. They scheduled my surgery for February 1st. There is still a chance that he could tell me I'm not a candidate for implants. Not every cancer patient has good enough skin after radiation, or depending on their type of cancer, tumor size, tissue affected, etc, it could make for bad results. So, once I meet with him, he will let me know if I am a candidate.

So, I am much better emotionally and more at peace with the new process.

One more to go!!!!!

2010-12-02T14:17:00.000-06:00

Well, I am sitting here at the moment receiving my chemo drip. This is my second to last FAC chemo, and I am super excited about that. My last one should be scheduled for December 23. Dr Theriault, my oncologist, said today at our visit that my blood counts are VERY good and doesn't anticipate that we will have to delay the last chemo. That is bittersweet news for me. I'm excited to have it all done, but on the same note, that means that my Christmas eve and Christmas day are gonna be kind of rough. Typically, the first 5 days after chemo are my "weird tummy" feelings. I stay on top of my anti-nausea medicines, so I don't "get sick" but nothing tastes good (except a BBQ potato and a McRib sandwich from Mcdonalds) and I never know if what I am feeling is nausea, anxiety, hunger, or indigestion. It feels like all of them combined, so I don't ever know if I should eat or not. Then, after that subsides, I usually have about 2 days of reflux going on and I want to sleep a lot for the second week (days 10-14). Then, I finally have a normal week, my appetite subsides, and the sleepiness wears off, I just am lazy and non energetic the last 7 days of my 21 day cycle. So, Christmas day, I'll have a little energy, but I probably won't want to eat anything which sucks because our family tradition is too cook a Christmas dinner for our kids that day. (We do a typical Thanksgiving day type meal with fried turkey and all the fixings). I'm fairly certain that I also want want to cheat and steal any holiday cookies we will be baking. That's a good thing.....especially these days.

So, as for the chemo and side effects, I'm still doing very well. No major complaints. Not that I am much of a complainer anyways, but the only real side effects I have are not painful, just annoying. I've lost my eyelashes completely and I only have about 4-5 hairs in my eyebrow line. I busted out the "temporary tattoo eyebrows" and the false lashes this week. I only wear them when I go out somewhere major. Dr appointments, errands and social gatherings are lash less. It's too much work unless it's really worth it. But, I feel like I "look" sick now that I have lost those, especially if I don't have makeup on. Of course, the hair on my head is GROWING...go figure. It's thinned out, but it's about a half inch long already and I razor shaved my head for Halloween, so it's grown that much in just over a month, while most people lose their hair completely around that time. My fingernails are discolored to a pale yellow color, and they have lifted about half way on my nail bed. It looks like a pocket of air under there. It doesn't hurt, I just can't do a lot of things because they could fall off. No more ponytails in Kaylee's hair, no more opening coke cans, no more untying knots, and no more tearing ketchup or condiment packets.

I signed up for a craft show last year when I did the show, so I decided to go ahead and participate this year so that I didn't lose my spot for the next year. So, this weekend and next weekend, I will be at the FFA Christmas market on Telge Rd. I've been trying to get bows and rhinestone shirts made, but since I've been so tired, it hasn't happened. Good thing I make most of my stuff on the spot. Of course, my wonderful husband is going with me to help, and I've had a few friends offer as well. Since it's 2 days after chemo, I shouldn't be feeling all that great. The next weekend is my "tired weekend" and "not supposed to be in large crowds" weekend. All this, just to not lose my spot for next year when I'm back in full force. Plus, I feel like I've modified my workload and given up quite a bit with the business lately, and I miss it. I'm bored. So, crazy as I am....come out and see me and make it worth my while and get some of your Christmas shopping done also. Great vendors and unique items for that "hard to buy for" person. Chris will be with me making shirts and doing things that I cannot do......He's such an awesome hubby. How many men would come to a craft show for 2 days and make rhinestone shirts??? MINE, because he loves me....

It is the Cy-Fair FFA Country Christmas Craft Show, this Saturday and Sunday (12/4 and 12/5) from 10-5 each day. It's at the Ag arena on Telge Road by 290 fwy.

Email me if you would like a flier emailed to you.

So, one more chemo treatment to go! Then I'm through the hardest part. After that, removal surgery and healing, followed by 6 long weeks of radiation EVERY day, and then once my skin heals from radiation, I can start on the reconstruction process. So, if you're wondering how much longer I have......probably another 9-12 months before I'm completely done.

Prayer requests or needs for us this week, for those who have asked:

Pray for continued good results from the chemo. Mild side effects, and blood counts to make them say "WOW".
Pray for my meeting with my current surgeon (tomorrow morning) where we will discuss if the total mastectomy she wants to do is 100% ABSOLUTELY the only way to go. (see prior post for more info on that one) I really do not feel at peace with that procedure so I'm going to try and convince them to do it my way, or give me statistical facts to this being the ONLY way we can go in my case. So, this means you might want to pray for the surgeon....for me to have mercy on her and not want to make her crawl under a bush and hide. (She's a good surgeon, don't get me wrong, I just don't want the procedure done her way and I think that's stepping on toes)
Pray for my husband and his position and possible advancement at work. We need a raise, he needs a promotion, and there are some things opening up.
Pray for a wonderful holiday season for everyone. Happy safe travels, and loving, giving hearts.

Needs:

Dinners, or pre-cut fresh fruits so the kids can get their own snacks while I am napping.
An occasional person to take Grayson, my sweet 2 yr old while I nap for a few hours on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
An occasional sweeper, mopper, and duster fairy for my house since I didn't qualify for the Cleaning for a Reason program. Chris manages to get the dishes done and gets the counters wiped off daily, but toilets, bathrooms and laundry get done on weekends usually. He doesn't have time to get to the floors too often except the daily sweeping of all the kids crumbs under their chairs.

I have an online calendar set up that Eva, my PA, is arranging. If you'd like to join and sign up to help, please email me and I'll send you the link because it's a private site.

So, that's about it! Chemo is done and I'm heading home to sleep the day away.

Holiday Cheer

2010-11-22T10:19:00.001-06:00

Just a few words before the holidays and frenzy get here. Most people get caught up on the drama in their lives and don't focus on the true meaning of "Thanksgiving" and "Christmas". So, here is my little reminder of the real meaning and my experience and outlook on things.

Thanksgiving... to give thanks for the things and people in our lives. This year, I am so thankful for health and for good friends and family. I have an awesome husband who has been cooking and cleaning for us as much as he can, and I have awesome friends who have picked up the slack where needed. I have good friends who drive my children home from school, to dance class, and to church. I have friends who get me out of the house for a girls night here and there. My husband has friends who take him on trips to see his favorite team, the Dallas Cowboys, play and who lend an ear or a helping hand to him when in need. These are all things we are thankful for, this year, this season, and at this point in our lives. What would I do without all these great people in my life? Where would I be if I hadn't given my boobies a quick rub that night they were tender? I am JUST NOW scheduled to go see my OB Dr, where they check for lumps and where they checked last December and found nothing. That's how fast this thing grew... in 6 months. Where would I be in this journey if I hadn't caught it? It scares me to think about it, so I give thanks to GOD for how the events played out, even if I'm still in shock. I give thanks to GOD for bringing all these people, and new friends, in my life to share and embark on this journey WITH me....by my side.

Christmas....Celebrating Jesus' birth. You can't spell Christmas without CHRIST. (and now I'm singing this Christian rap song, with that title, that we used to listen to growing up) As the holidays approach, I remember my favorite Christmas ever. I was 8 and my Dad had just lost his job about 2 weeks before Christmas. He was an IT data processor. Back then, computers were just now on the rise, so his job was not as in demand as it is now. We had nothing, and things were BAD. 7 kids, no money for Christmas, and no food except the staple items. I remember my parents sitting us down on Christmas eve and telling us that there was no money for presents, and no food for the Christmas dinner. We probably would have been just fine with beans and rice....again, but that gets old. We went to bed with the sadness of no Christmas presents, but also with the joy of having each other, and spending "quality family time" together. I'm sure my parents would have found a way to make something special...... but they didn't have to. When we woke up the next morning, on Christmas Day, our front porch and walk way were FILLED with presents, food, etc. Someone in the middle of the night had come and blessed us anonymously and filled a need. We were STUNNED, excited beyond belief and overjoyed! There were presents for each kid (all 7 of us!!) and turkeys, side dish items, and about 3 garbage bags full of toys, games, and clothes for all of us kids. We have no idea who left all of that on our porch. We assume it was someone from the church we used to attend, but we have no idea who.... even to this day. It taught us kids, even at that young age, that God will provide for us in times of need if we turn to him. My parents were religious tithers and always gave the first portion of their income to the church, no matter what. God took care of us, and showed us the TRUE meaning of Christmas, which my parents taught us all along, but that was reinforced that memorable day. Bless others, and you too will be blessed.

A lot of people have this concept backwards, and with the release of "pay it forward" and that whole concept, some people think "I have to get something out of this" or "I'll bless AFTER I have received my blessings"...paying it forward. It's a GREAT thing to do, and in fact, we in the Lynch household are always paying it forward, but, don't forget that you have to GIVE the blessings first in order to GET them; and pass them on and pay it forward. This is a lesson that we learn as children, but often forget as we become adults. I know my parents always used to DRILL in our heads "treat others how you want to be treated" and recite the scripture passage that went with it; Matthew 7:12 which says "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

My friend, Eva, who was arranging my calendar and trying to help me get rid of my "it's-easier-to-do-it-myself-rather-than-ask-for-help" attitude....told me "Tiffany, people out there want to bless you and if you don't let them, you are basically robbing them of their blessings they will receive" and this rang true with me. That's when I dropped my "super woman" attitude and graciously accepted whatever help was offered. I had totally forgotten about Matthew 7:12. It was my turn to receive the blessings that I had been handing out for years, but it was also someone elses turn to give the blessings in order to receive theirs. It's a big circle.....just like everything else in life.

So, this holiday season, I encourage you to make a conscious effort to bless someone else, and take it one step further....DO IT ANONYMOUSLY. Do we really need to pat ourselves on the back or let others know what we did for someone else? If so, then our priorities and reasons for blessings are still backwards because it's not others who will be rewarding those blessings you gave....it's GOD who will be rewarding us with blessings of our own, and He knows what you have done. We need to do it, just because we want to, because we are led to do so, and because I believe that's how He would want us to show His love and celebrate His birthday!

Give with no expectations. Receive with a happy heart.

It doesn't matter what you say about a person after they are gone....what matters is how you treat them while they are here. Always make sure your actions reflect your heart and you'll have no regrets.

Enjoy your holidays and drop your expectations of others, and instead keep an open mind, and have a forgiving heart.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Meeting with plastic surgeon

2010-11-17T12:03:00.000-06:00

So, yesterday I had my meeting with a plastic surgeon. This one was outside of MD Anderson as I wanted to get a second opinion. I was basically told the same thing.....which fucking sucks! Sorry for the foul language, but I'm allowed.

Here is why it sucks. Before cancer, Chris and I had talked about me getting a breast lift and small implants to hold my lift in place. After three kids and weight loss about 5 times over a 10 yr period, my boobs were not pretty once I took off my bra. I wanted to be able to wear a halter top, or something backless without having to wear a bra. I was gonna have a nice looking rack. I'm sure you all know someone who has had breast reconstructive surgery and they have a nice pair of tits, right? I know quite a few women with pretty, perky, beautiful boobies. A few of my best friends have beautiful ones....I've seen them. Well, now that stupid cancer has come, I am not going to have those same results.

I already had my bubble burst when they told me I could not have the skin sparing mastectomy, that I needed a total mastectomy on the right side. So, I accepted it and found the joy anyways. At least I'd be cancer free. So, the more people I talked to about the TRAM flap or the DIEP flap, which is the procedure that I would have to have done....the more they all recommended it. You get a tummy tuck with the procedure, which sounds even better....right? Well, I've seen numerous pictures, in Dr's offices and online and none of them are pretty without implants. Every breast reconstruction surgery photo that I saw that said "skin sparing with implants" was a beautiful rack. The ones that said "total mastectomy" or "tram flap" or "diep flap" are all ugly saggy boobs. So, it's really hard to find joy in this shit through tear filled eyes trying to find something...anything..... to hang on to.... to say "it's gonna be Ok, Tiffany...You'll have cancer free boobs.....even if they are ugly"

And to think, I was going to pay $8-$10 grand for my beautiful boobs before cancer. Now, I'll be paying about $17-$20 grand for ugly saggy boobs. It's just not fair. It sucks.

If you're curious about this procedure, google "TRAM flap".... or "DIEP flap" and look at the ugly pictures in front of you. Don't say I didn't warn you....

Way to steal my joy.....fucking Cancer!

FAC chemo #2 (halfway through this round)

2010-11-12T17:19:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I had a visit with my oncologist and FAC chemo #2. All in all, things went well. They switched my anti-nausea meds to Emend because my insurance company is silly about paying for Zofran. They only give me 21 pills for 25 days, and my chemo is 21 days apart, so they wouldn't fill it. So, he sent in for emend, which is WAY more expensive. HAHAHA. I love the way he works. We had a good laugh about that.

I asked about my hair falling out. He had mentioned that it would start falling out (what was left after Taxol) on day 10 and be completely out by day 17. Well, yesterday (day 22) I still have all my peach fuzz left. He was stumped. He doesn't see that often apparently. I even shaved it with a razor on October 29 for a costume party where Chris and I went as Mr. and Mrs. Clean and it grew back. I wear a wig too much, and I wanted to feel free and there aren't a whole lot of costumes for bald women. He thinks I have super follicle hair cells that might not be reacting to the chemo like normal people. So, I may not lose my hair completely. Time will tell. The tumor is still shrinking, I haven't had another scan yet, but I can physically feel it shrinking.

When he asked about my fatigue, I mentioned that I sleep about 9-10 hours at night, which is about double my normal amount, and I also take 2-3 hr naps most days when the kids let me. He said there is a fatigue clinic at MDA and is setting me up an appointment to see them. They can give me ADHD drugs like Adderol and/or Ritalen (sp). They can give me a little boost and make me feel not so tired.

They are also setting up my appointment with the plastics department so that I can meet with them before my Mastectomy and everyone will be on the same page before surgery. I've talked to a few people who have had my type of surgery, or close to it, and they have set my mind at ease a little bit. I've learned that the more stomach fat you have, the more likely they will only pull from there, which means I get my tummy tuck AND new perky boobs out of this. So, I'm busy plumping up in the meantime. :-) I'll use that as my excuse. hehehe

You can really see my face plumping up in these pictures. It's normal with chemotherapy, but I've just noticed it recently as my glasses are getting tighter. I had to go get them adjusted today.

They have puzzles everywhere at MDA, but only on the tables in the waiting rooms, and I got tired of never completing a puzzle, so I took along my iPad (thank you Shawn!) and downloaded an app where you can put together a puzzle. So, I took a picture of me working on a puzzle during chemo.

As for side effects, I'm feeling OK. Nausea is under control, I'm just exhausted. I feel like it takes every ounce of energy to get out of bed in the morning to take the kids to school. I'm ready to go back to bed as soon as I drop them off. Unfortunately, I have a VERY active 2 yr old to deal with. He likes to climb all over me as though I'm a human jungle gym. So, unless someone takes him for the day, or for a few hours, I don't get in much of a nap.

Cleaning doesn't get done much, though I do try to get some stuff done here and there as I get bouts of energy. I eat sandwiches and soup, things that are easy to make and don't require a lot of time or energy. I'm thankful that I only have 2 more treatments left of chemo, and then I'm done with this part, which I think is the worst part. I'm also thankful for the cleaning fairies and the meal fairies and anyone who has taken Grayson for a while so I can rest. Without those people, my journey would be WAY more hectic and stressful. I am also very lucky to have such an AWESOME husband who picks up the slack on my chores, and takes over the kids at 5pm and sends me to my room to rest. Without all these people, I truly would be a mess! Thank you to EVERYONE who has helped out giving rides, cooking, cleaning, and childcare. You guys all ROCK!! I love my Team Tiffany!!!

Take off your bra

2010-11-08T08:43:00.000-06:00

How many of you have been told by your mother that you need to wear a bra as much as possible to keep your breasts from sagging?

A study has revealed that a causative factor for breast cancer that can increase your risk of getting the disease by 100 times: Wearing a bra for more than 12 hours a day. Sydney Ross Singer (an applied medical anthropologist) and his wife, Soma Grismaijer (a scientific assistant) interviewed more than 2000 women with breast cancer and 2000 women without breast cancer and concluded the following information:

1. A woman who wears a bra 24 hours a day is 113 times MORE likely to get breast cancer than a woman who wears a bra less than 12 hours a day. (that statistical link is stronger than the link between cigarette smoking and lung cancer)

2. A woman who NEVER wears a bra is 21 times less likely to get breast cancer than a woman in general population.

"Needless to say, the medical establishment hasn't embraced this theory because it goes away from the current chemical and genetic model, ignoring the simple mechanical fact of what clothing constriction can do to the body." Singer says.

"Bras and other tight clothing can impede the flow of the lymph fluid out of the breast, thus, wearing a bra might contribute to the development of breast cancer as a result of cutting off lymphatic drainage so that toxic chemicals are trapped in the breast."

Singer also says to "avoid bras with underwires and other stiff, breast shaping components, as well as push up bras. The bra should not leave marks or dents on your skin. If it does, it's too tight."

"Women need to realize that wearing a bra is a cultural phenomenon...not a natural one."

So, my question......how do you keep your breasts from sagging without wearing bra? Implants! Yep, implants can move your breast tissue closer to the surface and make lumps more recognizable with self exams. I'm not saying you have to go bigger....just keep them your size if you are happy with them. Bigger implants are harder for mammograms to pick up lumps, and might be a bit more painful being squished, but normal size is totally fine. (My surgeon actually gave me this piece of information)

In conclusion, implants and not wearing a bra can save your life!!! It's scientifically proven, so tell your husband that you need to save your life and get them.

( * ) ( * )

Ta-ta!

Lots to tell

2010-10-31T15:06:00.001-05:00

This is going to be a lengthy post. I thought about splitting it up, but each post would be separate and might get lost since the blog only shows a few posts at a time. So, here goes:

ZumbaThon
My friend Mell (MariaEugenia Llanca) has been working very hard on a ZumbaThon benefit for me. She wanted to do something to help us out financially with the medical bills, and she LOVES Zumba. (it's a salsa aerobics class for those who don't know) She was reading my blog one day and was really touched and blessed by something on here and God put it on her heart to bless me back and to do it in this way. So, for those of you in the Houston area, here is the info:
Saturday, November 13, 2010
11:30am-2:00pm
at 10225 Woodedge Dr. Houston TX 77070 (culture shapers/LRC building)
Prizes, give-aways, pink merchandise for sale, FREE Zumba classes for family, kid friendly activities, snacks

She has really worked hard on this, so please come out, even if you don't want to do the Zumba class. There is plenty of stuff to do for the whole family!
(There is also still time to sponsor if you or someone you know owns a business and wants to promote during the event or donate an auction item.)

Call Mell for more details: 281-571-3402

Surgeon Consultation
I had my surgeon consult on Wednesday. It did not go the way I envisioned it. I've mentioned my friend Moni on here before. We have almost identical cancer and are both getting treated at MD Anderson. We are both triple negative and stage 3 and both have lymph nodes affected. The only difference is that she was BRCA positive and I was negative. (This is the genetic testing) Well, Moni is 6 months or so ahead of me in treatments and I guess I figured I would just follow the same treatment plan as her. So far, it has been the same. So, when I went into the appointment my plan and idea was that I would be able to have the skin sparing mastectomy and lymph node removal, followed by radiation, followed by reconstructive surgery at which time they would remove the left breast and get implants in both....same as Moni...

Not their plan. I broke into tears when the Dr told me that they needed to do the total mastectomy on the right side and not the skin sparing mastectomy. Her explanation is because when you have a skin sparing mastectomy, they have to put a tissue expander in place to keep the skin from sagging during radiation. She said it would be harder in radiation to target the proper areas with a metal tissue expander in place. The biggest difference in the total and the skin sparing is the scar left behind. So, instead of just having the nipple removed and having everything removed from there, I will now have a scar from the middle of my chest across to the armpit. The other difference is that instead of leaving behind my muscle, they will be removing it which means that they have to construct the muscle to hold the implant using parts of my stomach or my back. I'm not really keen on that idea, but until I talk to the plastic surgeon, see pics, or get better understanding of the process I will be a little hesitant.

So, the battle wound scar is not so much an issue as the muscle reconstruction. I'm just on the fence about that idea. Everything else was the same as I had envisioned it. I had to do some convincing on my part for her to agree to remove the left breast, but she finally gave in and said she would do it if I still felt that way at the time of reconstruction...which I will. I cannot live in fear factor mode for the rest of my life and run down there to have every lump and bump biopsied. I'm toooo type A for that lifestyle. I'm waiting to hear back on when I get to meet with plastics and radiation and pushing for end of the year appointments before the mastectomy to make sure everyone is in agreement and on the same page. My mastectomy is scheduled for January 25.

Chemo Update
I am currently on day 10 after FAC chemo. I have been told that sometime between days 7 and 14 after chemo, my blood levels would drop and I would feel run down and tired. I'm still waiting on that.... I feel GREAT! Once we got the stomach issues worked out, I've been feeling awesome! Not completely awesome, but as awesome as can be expected in the world of cancer. When I was having stomach issues the other night, I talked to the nurse the following day and described to her my symptoms and told her what had happened. She felt like what I was experiencing was reflux. So, she told me to get some Zantac and take those as directed and ever since, I have been feeling much better. My hunger has also subsided, probably because the steroids have worn off most of the way. I don't feel like I have to eat quite so often. So, basically how I feel after chemo is like I felt when I was pregnant. Reflux, slight nausea but OK if I stay on top of my meds as directed, hungry, tired (but yet wide awake from anxiety), exhausted (but not able to sleep because of my toddler), and also bouts of energy here and there.

So, 3 more of these and I am DONE with chemo! My next chemo is schedule for November 11th. After that, if all goes well and my blood counts don't drop too much, I should be on target for December 2 and December 23 for the last of my chemo.

Team Tiffany shirts
I have a few more Team Tiffany shirts (screen printed and rhinestone) but most people who have expressed interest in the shirts have already placed their orders. So, as I run out of certain sizes, I will be removing them from the store options. So, if you haven't purchased your shirt yet, be sure to do that as soon as you can because I probably won't be re-ordering since I have to order in increments and not singles.

Ok- so I think that's it. That should bring me up to date. Sorry for the amount of time between posting. I've been busy getting my kids ready for trick or treating, I had to make my daughters costume, and I have been trying to rest as much as possible, so I haven't been on the computer much.

Direct your prayers for me that I will continue to feel good during my last few treatments, and that everything regarding the mastectomy and reconstructive will fall into place and I will feel at ease about it all.

I hope you all have had a wonderful month of October. Breast cancer awareness month is officially over, but remember to check yourself often, and go get your yearly screenings.....no matter how old you are!

Rough night

2010-10-27T09:24:00.000-05:00

Last night was my first rough night so far during this whole process. All afternoon/evening I was feeling icky. It's really hard to explain. I had this acid feeling in my throat and esophagus but I didn't know if it was heartburn, indigestion, empty stomach, or nausea. It felt like all of them, but it didn't feel like any of them. I know that really doesn't make sense, but that's the only way I can explain it. I wasn't sure if I should eat something or not. It reminded me of those first few weeks of pregnancy when you're hungry, but afraid to eat.... except I really never had that with any of my pregnancies. If I ate, it would go away. I haven't been "sick" in a LOOOOONG time....like teenage years probably. 3 pregnancies and a few stomach bugs and I've never gotten sick.

Not yesterday! I would eat something, and the feeling would go away for about an hour, but return again. I was told to take my nausea/vomit pill (Zofran) around the clock for the first 3 days after chemo whether I needed it or not. Just want to make sure I stay ahead of the nausea. Well, I did that Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Monday, I only took one pill all day and I felt Ok. So, yesterday, I didn't take any. I really didn't feel like the feeling was nausea. It really felt more like empty stomach feeling and when I ate it went away.

I tried to go to bed about 9:30 and laid there tossing and turning until about 1am. I woke Chris up numerous times with all my moving. I finally got out of bed at 1am because I couldn't take it anymore. I HATE more than anything to lay in bad and not fall asleep. It annoys the crap out of me. My stomach was growling (even though I had just eaten a light snack before bed), but it was a weird creaky door sound. Not my usual hungry-rumble-growl sound. This has been going on for about a week...since chemo. It really sounds like a creaky Halloween door opening. Again, hard to explain. I've never had that before. It didn't hurt, it just wouldn't stop. So, I ate a quick Bora Bora bar and took a Zofran, just to be safe.......

5 minutes later.....that came back up.

I don't know what happened. I ate small meals all day, never should've gotten hungry because I ate about every 3 hours, ate high protein stuff, and I didn't think I would need my Zofran this long. The steroids are making me ravishing-starving-hungry shortly after I eat, and I'm trying to focus on small meals....

I'm not much of a complainer, but that was rough. I finally was able to go to sleep about 3am only to be awakened at 5:30 am by my bouncing 2 year old saying "mommy...me hungwy...peese make me pantakes.... bekfest....peeeeeeese" (I managed to convince him to have "tookie cereal" instead...yes, I gave him Cookie Crisp because he looves his "tookies" and he hasn't been eating breakfast lately)

The only joy I can find is that at least I don't have to hold my hair back out of the way....

FAC Chemo #1

2010-10-22T17:50:00.000-05:00

I had a long day at MD Anderson yesterday. We had to be there at 8am for a blood draw, (stopped in to see Deana while she was in pre-op, she got her new boobs yesterday!) followed by a Dr appt with my oncologist, followed by a small 4 hour period of nothing, then a nutritionist followed by chemo. Well, we ran some errands during that 4 hr break, but still go back around noon, so we went ahead and checked in for chemo. They started me at about 12:30 and the whole process with all 7 bags was just over 3 hours.

They started off with my 3 bags of Pre-meds. Adavan for anxiety, which makes you tired. Dexamethasone steroids for reactions and nausea, and makes you hyper, and Zofran for nausea and vomiting. Normally on the way home from Taxol, I was chatty Cathy but this Adavan knocked me out and I took a nap on the way home this time. Then after a quick flush, they started the heavy duty stuff. Adriomycin (the red devil as it's usually called) and Cytoxan were first. They drip by gravity, so there is no time limit on those. Just depends on how fast your port allows it to go through. The last one is the 5-FU, the big bag. It is infused over a 1 hr period through the machine.

So, while it was dripping, the nutritionist came to visit, Chris watched TV, Moni visited, and I worked on designs. It wasn't bad and it felt like water going through me. As I mentioned, I crashed on the way home because I was so tired. We stopped for a quick bite to eat at our staple "after-chemo" place....Which-Wich. It's an awesome sandwich shop and since it's lighter fare, it sets well in my tummy.

Chris does well taking care of me. He gets me home, gives me whichever prescriptions I need to take and puts me to bed. Last night we got home earlier than expected, so I got to see the kids for a minute before they headed to bed. I was in bed shortly after.

It took me a while to fall asleep, and I slept pretty good, except a 1 hour block that I was awake during the middle of the night. I had to get a snack and take another anti-nausea pill. I slept in this morning and had my friend came get the kids for school. Since my mom was there overnight, she was able to get them all ready for school and get them out the door. She then stayed with Grayson until I woke up. We all had lunch together today before she headed back to her house with Grayson. She is keeping him until Sunday so I only have 2 to deal with so I can rest. She's such a sweet mommy!

Yesterday, Grayson got sent home from school with a fever. I was so thankful that everyone managed to take care of him without having to call me. Mary picked him up from school, called my mom to meet her at the house and brought him here, found the key I had left, and got him inside and took his temperature. Mom told us about it as we called during chemo, but thank goodness they were able to take care of him and found everything without having to call me. I would have worried myself sick over him. He woke up fine this morning and it was probably just a reaction to his flu shot from the day before. (He calls it a blue shot, so we don't get the blues, I guess)

The hardest thing throughout this whole cancer process so far has been the guilt. Mostly with the kids. I "feel" fine, so I tend to not ask for help. I am running myself ragged and not resting like I should be, so my Dr scolded me, as did my friend Moni, who had some helpful tips. So, I've arranged a "Personal Assistant" who will be making calls on my behalf to friends and family who have offered to help, and will be having them help, without me asking. I tried to apply for the "Cleaning for a reason" cleaning services. They clean once a month for free, for women in cancer treatment, but go figure...no one in my area. So, now my cobwebs in the window and dust on the shelves will just stay....hahaha. We have managed so far to get the basics done, but we don't ever have time to get to the more time consuming stuff. We pick up, vacuum, clean the kitchen, and do laundry. That's about it. Bathrooms get done about once every week if we're lucky.

This regimen I am on is going to make me more tired, which means I don't have a choice but to rest, or I will fall asleep where ever I am....even if it's driving. SOOOOO, I have to rest, and swallow my pride and ask for help....or have Eva do it for me. Chris has too much on his plate and needs a break.

I'm just thankful I have friends in my life who are WILLING to help, and WANT to help. It's unfair having cancer with little ones so young. Arranging the childcare has been the toughest thing, and then making sure whoever is picking up/dropping off has car seats since all 3 kids are still in car seats. I'm gonna have one heck of a garage sale in a few years.....we own 9 car seats! 3 in my suburban, 3 in Chris' truck and 3 floaters.

So, to all you wonderful people who have asked what you can do, send me an email and I'll put you in touch with Eva who can tell you what you can do, based on your "likes" and "dislikes". Let's face it....only people who LIKE doing toilets are going to want to volunteer to clean my bathrooms.....I have a newly potty trained 2 yr old who won't point his pecker down because he refuses to touch it....and he pees straight out in front..... yeah... that's fun!

Me playing around with the "red devil" cocktail, pretending I was a vampire and it was blood. I guess I was in a Halloween mood.....

Until next time......

Addictions and Adjectives

2010-10-18T11:13:00.000-05:00

Ok, so MD Anderson has this really cool feature where you can access all your medical records online. You can read all your Dr notes and you can see all your reports (blood work, scans, US reports, pathology, etc). Well, I was looking through all mine and noticed something very weird. Well, not weird so much as a tad bit hurtful and left me dumbfounded.

Let me backtrack a minute and go off on a rabbit trail.... many who know me know that I have battled my weight my ENTIRE life. I always joke that Chris met and married me fat, so I know what my "limit" is before he finds me not so attractive. Seriously, I was 70 lbs above "normal" range on our wedding date. After we got married, I lost 60 lbs and was battling that last 10 stubborn pounds when I got pregnant with Kaylee. When I'm pregnant, I am very lucky and I don't have morning sickness. But, on the other hand, I gain a lot of weight. With each one of my pregnancies, I gained 47 lbs. Yep, the exact same amount with each one. But, I got it all off in between kids, but I never got those last few stubborn pounds off. After I had Grayson, I got closer to my "normal" range than I had ever been. I had 5 pounds to go when I got my cancer diagnosis. Now, this was not 5 lbs to goal weight, it was 5 lbs to normal weight. My BMI was just barely in the overweight column. So, I still wouldn't have been "skinny"...just normal. I'm totally happy with normal! I'm tall and I have a larger frame and broad shoulders, so if I got down any lower, I would seriously look like a walking stick. I just wanted to be a size 10 and 5 lbs would have done that. I was THAT close....

Well, I went into a small pity party/depression when I first got my diagnosis and before I even got to MD Anderson a month later, I had already gained back 8 lbs. Partly because I had such wonderful people bringing us yummy dinners (which was a lot of pasta and casseroles) and partly because I eat out of boredom and depression. Add to boot that we were constantly traveling here and there, all over town, for testing so we ate fast food a couple of times. Probably a few more than a "couple"...more like "stop and get me a diet coke from Sonic on the way....oh....and some cheese sticks". So, when I got to MDA, remember how much I loved the new Dr? Yeah, he was great..... now back to my original story....

His report said I was "a healthy vibrant young woman who came for a second opinion".... you see why I like Dr. Theriault? He is great! He thought I was normal and healthy.

A month later, I had to see a different oncologist because Dr. Theriault was on vacation and I didn't care for the replacement guy very much. He felt more like he was feeling me up rather than checking my tumor size, and he was very "put off" by me....I just didn't get a good vibe from him and I was glad he wasn't my regular oncologist. Welllllll ....... he put in his report that I was "moderately obese"......

Seriously? Moderately obese? My BMI falls into the "barely overweight" column....even after gaining back those 8 lbs! MILDLY obese would have been less shocking than MODERATELY! He left me with my jaw open, dropped on the floor!

See how much ONE adjective can hurt some one's feelings? Now, of course I brushed it off because I know I'm not moderately obese....BUT PLEASE don't ever add weight to a woman...especially on paper!

Be careful when using adjectives when referring to overweight people. There is a HUGE difference between mildly and moderately when referring to weight....Plus, we already have a hard enough time battling weight, then you get diagnosed with breast cancer and are told "10-15 lbs is normal weight gain for breast cancer", and then what do you want to do? Yep....drown that sorrow with more food. One single adjective can be taken out of context so easily when it comes to describing someone. Fluffy, hugable, more to love, big boned, normal... all these are adjectives I've used to describe myself over the years.... I've even used the "F" word....yes, Fat, what were you thinking? Never have I said moderately obese. Because I'm not!

I have addictions. I always have. I think everyone at some point in their life has addictions. You can be addicted to working out, addicted to your spouse, addicted to kissing your child's sweet cheeks, playing computer games, or it can be something more harmful...smoking, food, drugs, alcohol....

Well, mine has been for the longest time, smoking on and off (I'm a professional quitter) and food. I've had some healthy ones too like the ones mentioned above, and thankfully I've never battled alcohol or drugs, BUT a friend and I were talking not too long ago about which addictions are hardest to break... we decided food was the biggest addiction to overcome. Food is everywhere. Parties, get togethers, driving down the road, family's houses. It's easily accessible, not illegal and let's face it... you need it to survive. Not in mass quantities, and some people actually like eating healthy, but I don't. It's a chore for me. I'd rather have cheese sticks than a salad. I'd rather have macaroni and cheese than steamed vegetables. I don't care for a lot of vegetables unless they are covered in cheese, and I certainly don't watch my portion size. I do when I'm on a diet, but at times...the diet has GOT to go and I have to enjoy life. I've lived my entire adult life on a diet. I have far more important things to worry about right now. I try my best, but these steroids they give me before my chemo are making my hungry and if I'm hungry...I'm gonna eat. I don't have the energy to work out, and as much as I'd like to, it just doesn't happen. I pass my treadmill as I head to bed and say "tomorrow"....

Well.....apparently, tomorrow needs to be today. I stepped on the scale this morning....YUCK! Let's just say...I never do anything normal....I'm always an over-achiever! 10-15 lbs is normal? ....my ASS!!! Literally! Looks like I'll be hanging out in my yoga pants with an elastic waist this winter....or I have to go buy new jeans as I'm down to one pair of jeans and one pair of shorts that fit.

Yay me!

Misc....

2010-10-15T10:57:00.001-05:00

Last week, I got to have dinner with a family that is very much into boobies like me. Amy Craig used to go to High school with Chris. I won't bother to mention how many years ago that was....
Anyways, her mother, Mary Cilny, is an 8 yr survivor of breast cancer. We tried to meet up at the Susan G Komen walk, but it didn't happen, so we decided to meet for dinner.
Her Mom is amazing and super cool too. She was very inspirational and I saw a lot of myself in her. We have the same "can-do" attitude, and have felt like superwomen that can accomplish anything.

We had a great dinner and great conversation for almost 2 hours. Amy's sister Heather also got to come. (I am going to nickname her 'eyelashes' because she has the most killer-make-you-jealous- eyelashes!)

It was a great night with great friends.

So....blog shout out to Amy, Heather and Mary! Holla!
You rock!

I'm done with Taxol!!!!

2010-10-15T10:21:00.000-05:00

I had my last Taxol treatment on 10-13-10. It was a great day! Stefanie, my long time best friend went with me to this one.

I kind of have mixed feelings about it being over. On one hand, I'm very nervous about the FAC that starts next week. I'm nervous that I might get sick, or what else may happen during that one. I'm nervous that my immune system will drop so low and I will get sick during this cold and flu season. BUT, I am so thankful that I don't have to go down there weekly now!

That's been the hardest thing about the weekly visits. Arranging childcare, rides for the kids, and remembering what time to be there. Add Chemo brain to boot and it's no wonder I haven't lost my mind. I'm thankful I had a great calendar to write it all down in, but I hope things are WAY easier to keep up with now.

Aside from a few Dr visits here and there, I only have to do chemo once every 3 weeks now. I go next Thursday for a Dr visit with my oncologist, and then I have a nutritionist appt, and then chemo. I'll be down there ALL day next Thursday. Then, I meet with my surgeon the following week to discuss the Mastectomy and lymph node removal surgery and then I don't have to go back until November 11.

So, I will be done with chemo around December 23 now, which means there is only 12 WEEKS TILL CHRISTMAS!!! I better finish my shopping soon.....SO not like me to be un-prepared this late in the game! hahahahaha

Also, for those who have asked: Here is the FAC and what it stands for.....
F- Fluorouracil (also known as 5-FU, or 5-Fluorouracil)
A- Adriamicin (also known as Doxorubicin)
C- Cytoxan (also known as Cyclophosphamide)

Side effects with these 3 drugs include- Mouth sores, Diarrhea, Low blood counts, Sensitivity to sunlight, Hair loss, fingernail and toenail changes, and Nausea and vomiting. Most of these are the same as the Taxol, except on a more crucial and excessive level. The only side effect I got on the Taxol was the fingernail and toenail issues and the hair loss. This week my stomach has been more fluttery, and a little crampy, but it's hard to tell if that's from the Taxol or my nerves. My nerves right now are really bad.

So, prayer requests for this next week:
1. That my first FAC treatment goes well and I don't suffer from major side effects.
2. That this stuff works and I have a complete response to the chemo shrinking and/or killing off the tumor.
3. That my children continue to avoid this nasty stomach bug out there and will stay well for me!

Thanks guys! Love you all!

More walking, different shoes

2010-10-11T19:40:00.000-05:00

Stacia, who is a friend of a friend of mine heard my story and decided to do the Susan G Komen 3-day walk for a cure in Dallas this November. It's her third year to do the walk, but this year her team is called "Team Tiffany's Ground Soldiers". But, she still needs donations before she reaches her MINIMUM amount to be able to do the walk. She needs to raise $2,300 to be able to do it, and she is currently at $1,200, so if you weren't able to donate to mine, but would like to donate on my behalf still, please click on the link HERE or the tab to the left to donate.

Thanks for your "SUPPORT"

:-)

WHAT. AN. AMAZING. NIGHT!!!!!

2010-10-10T03:07:00.000-05:00

We got to go to the Little Big Town, Sugarland concert tonight! (Well, last night, but I haven't slept yet, so tonight....) It was an AWESOME show! My awesome step-brother, Bobby, got us VIP tickets and arranged a few special things for us.

This is our VIP passes. We got to hang out with the band, eat dinner backstage with them and the crew, and go into the greenroom.

We went backstage where Bobby gave us a quick tour and we got to take pictures of Sugarland's awesome Incredible Machine stage. This drum set was super cool!

This was us before the concert. Kaylee begged us to go, and little did we know, she was in for a treat...

We got to meet all of Little Big Town before the concert, get autographs, and then they put on an awesome show as the middle act. They were super sweet, talked to us, and were so cool to hang with! Bobby is the production manager (I think that's his official title) for Little Big Town.

Then, Sugarland rocked the house!!! I never sat down. I sang, danced, and rocked with them all night long!

Jennifer Nettles sounds awesome live. Her and Kristian are such an amazing duo! They remain one of my favorite bands of all times! Especially after tonight!

We got to get up close and personal..... We stood stageside for a little bit.

So, here was our first surprise.....

Kaylee and I got to go to the front row while Jennifer painted the word LOVE on a flag. Then, Kaylee got to carry the flag through the crowd and got to keep the flag.

It was amazing!

After the show, Kaylee got to hold up her flag with her "new best friend", Mariah. (She sat at the table with us while we ate dinner and Kaylee chatted her ear off.)

Then, came my surprise..... after the concert, we went backstage. Sugarland doesn't normally do "meet and greet" so the chances of me meeting Jennifer Nettles was slim to none. Well, Bobby told me he had an autographed playlist for me and he opened the box to this.......

A FREAKING SIGNED GUITAR FROM SUGARLAND!!!!! Yes, that says "TO TIFFANY"..... that's me!!!!

When we left the greenroom and headed to our car, we got to stop into Jennifer's room and say thank you, give her hugs and get the flag autographed! She was super sweet to meet in person. (of course, no pictures because she had already taken her makeup off and I wouldn't have asked anyways) There was a few ladies in there who asked me about my treatment, how far I was, and gave me some really encouraging words. I am sitting here at 3 am on cloud nine that I had such a wonderful night! I got to meet Jennifer Nettles!!!! EEEEEeeeeeeeeeeee

Kaylee was plum tuckered out after our eventful night! Sugarland, Little Big Town..... YOU ROCK! Thank you for making our night so fantastic! There are no words to express our gratitude to you all! We love you!!!!

Bobby- THANK YOU!!!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!

Little Big Town and Sugarland got together at the end and sang a song together. AMAZING NIGHT!!!

Then, Sugarland did "Stayin Alive" and she wore this crazy wig. It was cute!

Taxol # 11, only ONE more to go!!!

2010-10-07T09:22:00.003-05:00

Well, # 11 of the weekly stuff, and then I head into the harder FAC chemo. That one is given once every 3 weeks x4 injectons, so I have 12 weeks left after next week. It's hard to believe that I have been at MDA for almost 12 weeks. It has flown by. Before I know it, Christmas will be here and I'll be done with Chemo!!! I'm doing well with the treatments, but I am getting nervous about the FAC. That's the one that you always hear about people getting sick on, nausea, vomitting, etc. I'm really hoping and praying that I do well, but its one of those things you don't know until you try it. I never got sick in my pregnancies, just a little empty stomach feeling, so I've got my fingers crossed.

Chris went with me to this chemo. He will be going with me to all 4 of the FAC ones also, but he wanted to come with me since it was one of the last ones. I have a friend taking me next week. Once again, it was a magical day at MD Anderson, and we had a good time. I took my laptop and chatted on Facebook with my cousins and was also multi tasking and setting up a rhinestone design to keep me busy while Chris watched TV.

I got a little hot this treatment, so I stripped off my hat during treatment. Lately, the past few days, I have not been feeling so good. My stomach has been uneasy, and I've been having more hot flashes. Not sure if it's menopause related, chemo related, or just lack of sleep. Since we got up so early Saturday, and had so many errands to run Sunday, I feel like I never caught up on sleep from last weeks treatment.

So, prayer requests for this week are:

1. Pray that I have as good of a time handling the FAC treatments as I have the Taxol.

2. Pray that all my appointments go as planned with the surgeon I meet with October 27.

3. Pray for good sleep and well behaved children! I know it's a stretch, but I need that bad!

2010 Susan G Komen Race for the Cure

2010-10-07T08:35:00.005-05:00

Saturday, I competed in my first Susan G Komen walk for the Cure race. It was fun and emotional! Chris and I got up bright and early that morning, like 4am early! We headed out at 5am to pick up Diana and head to downtown Houston.

Krissy, Crystal, Joyce (team captain) and Stefanie Otto showed up shortly after we arrived with Diana.

My team arrived also bright and early and we met on the steps of City Hall.

Then, next to arrive was Sarah B, and as a surprise she brought Mell and Becky with her. I had no idea they were walking. So, it was nice having them there too!

Sarah K, Renee and Merci showed up right as we were about to head to the starting line.

Downtown Houston was PACKED and it was hard to get around all the people. We happened to be close to the end of the line, but I was totally fine with that. I wanted to bask in all my glory and enjoy the moment. The walk finally kicked off at about 8:30 am.

I had gotten new shoes for this event, so I was sure to take a picture of them also.

I love love love the Pink Port-O-Potties!!! I didn't use them, but I thought they were cute!!!

Stacy and her kids showed up too and they walked with us the whole time. Stacy's daughter is one of Kaylee's good friends, and Stacy is a teacher at their school. Her husband is the pastor at the Cowboy Church in town, but they used to attend our church.

Stefanie and I have been best friends since we were 12. She came out to walk with me, and we had fun walking and talking the whole time. Most of my team got split up so she was one of the ones who managed to stay beside me. With a crowd that large, it's so easy to be split up. I told them to keep looking for my pink cupcake hat.

This is only a fraction of the people who were there. We had more people behind us and more people who had already taken off for the running part.

It took us about 30 mintues before we actually crossed the starting line from where we started at. That's how far back we were and walking like a herd of elephants at a turtle's pace.

After the race, Diana, Stefanie, Chris and I found a comfy piece of grass and ate a bite and visited before heading home.

All in all, it was a great day. The whole "Lets Find a Cure" kind of gets on my nerves because you'd think with the MILLIONS and BILLIONS of dollars raised for cancer research, there would be a cure. I feel like there is and the scientists are sitting on it, or hiding it, but that's a whole other post. I'll stay off that soapbox now. I walked the race because I want to promote Breast HEALTH Awareness.

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH

2010-10-01T02:01:00.005-05:00

Today is October 1st! Today is the official beginning of Breast Cancer Awareness Month! Honestly, besides the "pay to wear pink" at my job years ago, I've never really paid any mind to this month being special. Boy....how things have changed in 3 months. Now, I often remind my friends on "hump day" *Wednesday* to check their lovely lady humps for bumps. Take that...Mrs. Fergilicious!

I was informed that I am going to be "Champion of the Week" on the Bill Crews Remission Run website. My day to be featured is today! I kick off Breast Cancer awareness month. Pretty cool huh? Check out my story here and then go check out what the Remission run is, and where the funds go. Bill and Dana-Susan Crews are awesome people! I was elated that my blog and story was chosen, and even more flattered that I was chosen to be the first woman in October to be featured!

So, today's post is going to focus on prevention and statistics. Wow, that really sounded like I am beginning a lecture at a college auditorium.... let me re-phrase that...

Today, we are going to talk about feeling your boobies! There, that's better!

I saw a news story yesterday about how the "US Preventitive Services Task Force" is changing the recommended age for mammograms from 40-50 and it's being challenged and possibly overturned! DUH!!! I thought to myself.... what would have happened if I hadn't found my lump until age 40.... 7 years from now? I wasn't due for a mammogram for 2 more years, and the only reason I was due for one was because my paternal grandmother had breast cancer in her late 60's. (Mine turned out not to be genetic) They wanted me to start mine at 35. I did self exams about 3-4 times a year. I felt myself up every time I positioned my "post 3 children long boobs" into my bra or bathing suit. My husband did his "breast exams" at least twice weekly......and yet we didn't catch my lump until it was stage 3 !!!

Here is a brief synopsis of the article and why I want to slap the person in charge....
"It's not a perfect test. But right now, it really is the best imaging/screening test we have. And last year, the reason the preventive service task force said it might not be so great or even recommended in women in their 40s. It really comes down to numbers. It comes down to statistics. And this study actually was in keeping with that. It showed that, in order to save ONE life, over 1,200 mammograms would need to be done every other year for a ten-year period for women in their 40's. Now, the hard-core statisticians and scientists will say, well, those numbers do not support its use in this age group.

"But, for women who are that one life, emotion comes into play. And medicine is a science, but it's also an art, so you have to take into account science, statistics, numbers; you also have to take into account emotion. There's no getting around it."
I am that ONE life! I don't think they should be advancing the age....they need to be backing it up!!! More and more women are getting diagnosed with higher grade breast cancer BEFORE they turn 40!

So, next topic....
I really believe that the reason I am doing so well, as I have mentioned several times, is because I am taking special nutrients. The stuff I am taking and doing is actually on a higher dosage for ONCE you have cancer, but it can be done in a milder version for prevention. So, here is my daily ritual for prevention... (I would cut back quantities since it's for prevention....I do double this amount daily)

AM- juice 2 organic carrots and 1 organic apple in a juicer. Mine came from costco and was $90...ask for one for Christmas if you have to. I can't say enough about juicing, especially if you're like me and can only enjoy vegetables covered and smothered, like from Waffle House...cheese, salt, pepper, butter....all the "good" stuff. I am a CARB girl, so this is a hard regimen for me, but I stick with it because I see all the goodness from it!

Then, I take that juice, pour it in the blender and add one banana, a scoop of organic wheatgrass powder, 1 TBSP of Benefiber powder, and 1 TBSP of my special powder nutrients.
Blend it all together, serve in a pretty glass to make it taste better and chug!
I use this to take my 10 daily vitamins

Lunch- I make a sandwich with my favorite Boars Head All Natural (they have no preservatives, no colors, and no artificial CRAP) lunch meat. I prefer the Tuscan chicken or Garlic Herb chicken and Colby Jack cheese (YUM). I use bread with UNBLEACHED flour and NOT ENRICHED. Hard to find! Natures Own has a few to choose from. I top with organic mayo and brocolli sprouts. I usually eat a small bag of organic baby carrots for my "crunchy" and sometimes will eat a yogurt or fruit with it for my "sweet".

Snack- Bora Bora bar! Super good! Lots of organic nuts smothered together with Agave Nectar and baked! YUM...available at Costco too! This is usually what I have while waiting in the car rider line in the afternoon. It's also sticky, so I HAVE to drink a whole bottle of water after it to wash it all down.

Dinner- salad with Lettuce, Tomato, Cucumber, Toasted Almonds, Avacado, Boiled Egg, Grilled Organic Chicken, tiny bit of cheese and favorite dressing. Then, on top, I add my brocolli sprouts again. I sprout a jar of them about once a week. Very easy to do, and they have 50 times the cancer fighting antioxidants than a head of brocolli.

WATER, WATER, WATER, WATER! I drink water a lot.

So, that's my "healthy eating habits" and my "daily regimen" for fighting cancer.
I really believe, and this may cause some controversy.... but I believe the reason I got Cancer was because for years, I was poisoning my body with toxins in my food and I...HAD...NO...IDEA!!! Why? because the FDA told us that it was all good...... I am soooo anti-FDA at the moment. I can't stand them, so pardon my soapbox rant. Honestly, who would approve a product like Nutrasweet (aspartame) that has been proven to cause cancer in lab rats and approve it for a human beings consumption? FDA! Who would approve for our animals to be injected with hormones and antibiotics to make them grow faster? FDA! Who would approve for everything to be made from specific soy beans, patented by a particular pesticide company to be in all our daily food products...HIDDEN at that? FDA! Now, they are voting on making a GENETICALLY MODIFIED SALMON! Really??? Let's clone a healthy fish so we can mass produce it in a factory....that's just plain rediculous!

Why? Why? Why?

Money! It's all about the Benjamin's Baby!!!

So, in our house, we don't eat anything fake! Nothing genetically modified (GMO) and nothing with artificial anything! No colors, flavors, preservatives, nitrates, dyes, antibiotics, pesticides, bleached, or enriched, and pretty much nothing with more than 5 ingredients to it. If we can't pronounce it, we don't eat it. Let me tell you, organic food has really come down in prices over the years, and it has picked up MUCHO flavor. It doesn't taste like cardboard anymore. By eating organic, and by spending the extra money on groceries, we don't go out to eat as much. We probably go out once a month as a family now, where we used to go out at least twice a week. So, we can justify the extra money for groceries. I am no longer listening to FDA or "government" advice, I am conducting my own research and using my "mommy intuition" and educating myself on food, vitamins, medicine, and prevention the old fashioned way. Now, don't get me wrong, I am NOT anti-Doctor. I LOVE all my doctors! I go see them regularly. I just limit what goes into my body and use it only if the benefits outweigh the risks (hence the chemotherapy)

Here are my facts: I do not fit any stereotype for acquiring breast cancer. It wasn't genetic (proven with a BRCA blood test) and I have had 3 children and nursed them which is supposed to reduce your odds, I ate semi-healthy for the past year or so, I work out regularly, don't drink often, smoked on and off for years but that doesn't cause breast cancer....only lung and throat cancer, never done any recreational drugs, and we have a good healthy sex life which produces melatonin and helps prevent cancer. (Sorry siblings and parents that read that, guess I should've warned you first)

So, the only logical solution in my case is that for years, I was eating TONS of fast food, frozen meals, lots of fried fatty foods, everything prepared (with nitrates and preservatives) and pre packaged, and pretty much anything EASY.....I was a lazy teenager, and then a busy working mom, and then a stay at home budget shopper & coupon clipping mom until about a year ago. I've done tons of research on this subject. For those who don't know, I am the QUEEN GOOGLER! I obtained my degree from the University of Google. Yip, I did. All my research is conclusive.... pesticides, nitrates, hormones and antibiotics in animals are EVERYWHERE and hard to avoid, but do SOO MUCH DAMAGE to the body! It's disgusting to see what is in our food! Watch the documentary Food Inc on netflix if you can get a hold of it. (The government and FDA pulled it off the shelves and off Tv....go figure)

Ok, I'll get off that soapbox now and onto checking yourself!

So, you know the "shower check" that we are supposed to be doing? Well, let me tell you, even after I found my lump, I couldn't locate it in the shower check. So, throw out that card hanging on your shower head and lay down on the bed! Yeah, that got your attention....or at least your husbands....right? Yep, that's right....lay down on the bed! Lean over to one side, just slightly. Prop yourself on a pillow if you need to. Now, poke and prod the hell out of your top boob on the outside and your bottom boob on the inside. Because you are laying slightly tilted to the side, those lovely boobs should be making you look REALLY REALLY attractive now. (be sure your husband is not laying in front of you, especially if you have 3-children-long-boobs like me) They should be hanging down, to the side, looking pretty flat unless you've had them "enhanced" by now. I have not....YET! Then, you flip over slightly to the other side and switch boobs. You're still feeling both boobies, but you're feeling the outside of the one on top and the inside of the one on the bottom. Why does this method work better? In my opinion, and I am NOT a doctor, the breast tissue is moving out of the way giving you better access to an actual lump. I had a golf ball size lump and this was the only way I could find it!

Now, how often should you do this? Well, I say about once a week. Other reports say about once a month, but hell, mine popped up virtually overnight, so I couldn't imagine waiting longer than a week. Do it right before you go to sleep, or right when you wake up. Don't worry.....he won't ask what you're doing.... he'll just ask if he can join you.... (wink wink)

Lastly, go get a mammogram! Request it at your next OB appointment. Studies show that alternating mammograms and ultrasounds yearly is the best and most effective way to catch Breast cancer in its early stages. If your doctor refuses, tell them about me.

I am a Christian.
I am a business owner.
I am a friend.
I am a wife.
I am a sister.
I am a daughter.
But most importantly, I am a mom.
And I am a fighter!
I am 33,
and I have breast cancer.

Do it for me!
Show your support, wear pink and go get a mammogram! Feel yourself up every Wednesday, hump day. Check those lovely lady humps for lumps!!!

Taxol # 10 completed! 2 left!

2010-09-30T10:58:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, I had my 10th Taxol. It's still hard to think about it almost being over! I only have 2 more Taxol treatments and then 4 FAC treatments left and I'm DONE. WITH. CHEMO!!! My adorable husband with with me to this one. He was feeling a little left out because I had so many friends taking me, but I just didn't want him to miss work if he didn't have to. So, I told him he could go with me to my next 2, starting with this one. I already have a friend lined up for the last Taxol. Chris is also going to go with me to all my FAC chemo treatments, just in case I get sick or am not feeling well. I'd rather he be the one to see me like that. No need in losing a friend because I puked in their car....right? (can you believe I caught him smiling in this picture?)
Brayden, my 5 yr old calls this my cupcake hat, because... well... it DOES look like a cupcake on my head. I gotta give him credit for that one. I have a few in different colors (black, pink, creme) but these are THE BEST hats for hair loss, hands down. You can change out the scarf, and they are cute, stylish, NOT ITCHY, and they cover your head all the way down for extra coverage. I found them online here and I love them! I honestly don't know if I'll wear my wig much now that these have all come in the mail.

Taxol #10 was like water! I'm loving these nutrients and smoothies I am on!!!

Shawna and Logan got to stop by to see me. It was really nice to visit with Logan this time. She is ALL DONE!!!She had her tumor removed and has gone through all her chemo treatments, so all that's left for her is follow up visits. She gets to ring the big bell next Friday. They brought me the Team Logan shirt I ordered. Her cheer team did a similar fundraiser and had some shirts screen printed and they got the proceeds. I loved the color combination, so I HAD to order one....after all, so many people helped us out that way so I have to pay it forward. Logan is so beautiful and has such a sweet spirit about her.

Well, that's all I got for now. Tomorrow will be a lengthy post as we kick off Breast Cancer Awareness month!! Don't forget to wear PINK tomorrow!!!

Ta-Ta till tomorrow!!!

A night out....

2010-09-26T17:35:00.000-05:00

Chris and I got to enjoy a night out last night for our friend Joyce's birthday. I got to get all dressed up (as much as I felt like dressing up anyways...I was tired) and enjoy a night on the town.

We went to dinner at JB's brewery and I ate the BEST salad ever! I had to make a run to the store this morning to get more salad ingredients to mimic their salad. YUM!

Me and Joyce at the club (she's my hairdresser, so I thought the rhinestones were appropriate)

Joyce and Tim

It was so refreshing to get out. I thought I would have a hard time going out for the first time to a bar. We went to a night club after dinner, but I did very good. I was the designated driver anyways...(you know...cuz I don't want to get cancer or anything from drinking too much.... hehehe) but I drank water all night and my drink of choice was a "cherry coke".... so I felt like I was indulging. I didn't wear my wig because I knew it would smell like smoke and wasn't sure when I'd get a chance to wash it. So, I opted for a blinged out beanie cap, and I added my zebra flare to match my outfit.

I had fun! I enjoyed the whole night, and I stayed awake! Love ya Joyce!!

Ta-Ta

And the winner is.......

2010-09-24T16:12:00.000-05:00

Today was the raffle drawing at my husbands work. I headed up to Wyman Gordon with Grayson for the drawing and lunch. I got to draw the ticket, since it is me that is fighting this stupid disease. I was honored and humbled by his company. First of all, they raised $3,000 for us to help with medical expenses. Now, I added up what we've paid this month alone, since the bills are finally starting to roll in. We have put $3,384.00 on our mastercard this month in medical alone, so God has provided for almost all of that with the help of these donations. I am continually amazed by the generosity and concern from SOOOOO many people. It is so amazing that God has used this awful diagnosis to bring people into our lives at just the right time. I am humbled, grateful, and so sincerely thankful for each and every person who has helped us out, financially, emotionally, and physically. Cooking, cleaning, giving rides, and donating to our expenses are just a few ways that have really helped us out during this time.

I cannot express enough thanks and gratitude to everyone involved in our journey. Special thanks to Mike Laboski for heading up this raffle!

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

So.....the winner of the TV was......

(drumroll......)

......Joshua Hale...Tonja Hale's son.

Congratulations Joshua....you are a lucky kid!!! Enjoy!!!

Taxol #9 and Dr visit

2010-09-24T15:52:00.002-05:00

So, my ninth Taxol treatment went well. My Dad went with me to this appointment and chemo.

I'll tell you about my Doctor visit first because I found it very interesting.

He went over the official ultrasound reports first. Here are the measurements of before and after: My tumor started off as 4.1 x 3.7 x 2 cm which is a total of 30.34 cm. Monday, it measured 3.1 x 2.5 x 1.9 cm for a total of 14.725 cm. So, it decreased by half the size!!! Praise God!!!

The lymph node (there may or may not still be 5 affected, but they only measure the biggest one) started off as 3.0 x 2.4 x 1.0 cm for a total of 7.2 cm and Monday, measured 1.9 x 1.9 x 0.8 cm for a total of 2.88 cm. It's gone down about 60% in size!

My blood counts are doing EXTREMELY well, and in fact, the pharmacist stayed behind after the doctor left to ask me if I was taking any supplements. I of course told her about my special nutrient regimen, which I believe is the sole cause of my immune system tolerating things so well. With the right nutrients, the body can heal itself from anything....including cancer and chemo reactions. (My blood levels are staying around 5.4 = White BC and 4.2 = Red BC, well within normal range...not low or high at all!!!)

All in all, I am doing GREAT and I feel confident that my body will heal faster than normal with everything I am doing. Brocolli sprouts daily, wheatgrass and nutrients daily, and my daily supplement packet are doing well, and I'm staying committed to that regimen, especially since I see such an improvement.

My Dad and I at chemo #9

Getting my drippings

Good News Monday

2010-09-20T14:22:00.000-05:00

First things first.... I had my ultrasound today. After a night of almost NO sleep, worrying about the test, fearing a bad dream, and having anxiety, I woke up this morning at 5:30am and hit the road....TIRED. I arrived at MD Anderson finally, and checked in for my exam. I had a few minutes to relax before they called me back. It's such a long corridor to the ultrasound room when you're saying one last prayer, but I prayed the whole way down the hall. So, after about 15 minutes of scanning, the ultrasound tech said the radiologist would be in shortly. The radiologist came in and said the tumor was being responsive to the chemo!! Originally, my tumor was measuring about 4.1cm and today it was measuring around 3.1cm and also breaking into fragments and dissolving. She also said the lymph node (single...not plural?) was shrinking as well. (They originally told me about 4-5 lymph nodes were affected and she said NODE without the S.... so I'm not sure if I only have one affected now, or if there are still more...)

yeah...I did a happy dance....

...and then headed home to sleep.

Secondly.....I heard 3 times this week that people suffer from withdrawal if I don't post every day. I'm SORRY!!! :-) I love you, but my cousin has been in town and I've barely even gotten on the computer during his visit. I'll try and make it up to you this week...okay? He is leaving tomorrow. We are sad. Grayson has really become attached to him and stole his heart. Russell has been pushing him on the swing, and watching TV with Grayson snuggled up next to him. It's super cute. Grayson has that effect on people...I think it's his cheeks. I often use one of Lightning McQueen's lines from CARS to describe Grayson's cuteness.... "I create feelings in others that they themselves don't understand". He brings out those feelings in others, and I think if Russell could take him home with him, he would. All the kids have really taken to him and I think they might cry when Russell leaves. But, we've had a good time and made some great memories.

So I go for my next Dr Appt with Dr Theriault this Thursday, followed by chemo. They had to move it to Thursday this time because he is only in the clinic on Mondays and Thursdays and he was booked for today and he has to write my orders for Taxol before I can receive another dose...so Thursday it is! My Dad is going to take me to that one since it's a late afternoon appointment. It has totally thrown off my whole week though. Now I have to find something to do on Wednesday...with Grayson in tow. Maybe I'll feel good enough to clean??? Nah.....probably not... hehehe ;-)

Ta-Ta- till tomorrow....

The Halfway Mark!!!

2010-09-16T19:44:00.000-05:00

I'm halfway through Chemo!!! I had Taxol #8 yesterday. That means 4 more rounds of Taxol and 4 rounds of FAC (done in 3 week increments, for a total of 12 weeks). So, all together, I have 16 weeks left of Chemo.

I go Monday for my ultrasound to measure the tumor and see if this is working. I am hoping I get my results that day, or better yet, can tell by looking at the machine and the Dr's expressions if it is shrinking!

My cousin, Russell Sprouts came in Tuesday so he and Chris went with me to chemo while my Aunt Dianne and my mom came out to watch Grayson. We grilled hamburgers and had sweet potato fries when we got home.

Aside from that, we've just been hanging out, chilling, and relaxing all week. Russell and Aunt Dianne leave next Tuesday to go back to Tennessee. (Oh, and apparently he has a girlfriend...sorry ladies...did not know that.)

I'm still not really having any side effects, except that I'm tired and my fingernails and toenails feel like they are lifting, even though they aren't. My meds are working well, so my pain, headaches, and moods have been under control for the past week. Thank goodness.

Raffle tickets are still available for $20 each, or 6/$100. The drawing will be September 24th for a 42" HD TV flat screen.

Also, there is still time to join Team Tiffany! Click on the link to the left to join or donate to the Susan G Komen foundation.

Tee-shirts should be available Tuesday, for those who have ordered, they will ship next week. For those that have not, get yours while they last!!!!

Oh.....and settle an argument for me..... My husband is the biggest smart ass I know. The other day, I gave him a dose of his own medicine and smiled and said "I got my smart-ass-ness from you". He says "you can't catch smart ass" and I say you can..... especially when you've been married to one for 10 years! What do you think?

Ta-Ta!

Blah, Blah, Blah

2010-09-11T19:33:00.001-05:00

My head hurts! I have had a headache all day and it won't go away, despite the headache pills I was prescribed. I'm just glad we didn't have to go the the Jonas Brothers concert tonight, or my head would be slamming-hurting! Kaylee doesn't even know they are in town.....thank GOD!

I've had a fun day of errands with the kids and Chris preparing for a visitor this week.

I am super excited because my cousin "Russell Sprouts" is coming in from Tennessee on Tuesday. He booked his trip when I was there visiting with the family, the day before I found my lump. So, we decided that since he already had his ticket, he and my Aunt Dianne may as well go ahead and come. Aunt D is staying with my mom, but Russell is staying with us! The kids are super excited! Brayden is the one who gave him his nickname. I'm not sure exactly where it came from, but he came up with it and we all had a little giggle.

So, Russell Sprouts will be here for a week, and he will be going with me to chemo next Wednesday. You'll all get to see how handsome he is when I post the pictures (and he is single, for all the younger ladies out there...) I'm sure him and Chris can muster up some quality "man-time" and get into some sort of trouble while down there for the day. I hope he has a good time here next week. Originally we were going to go party it up while he was here, but this stupid cancer kind of put a damper on my "partying" plans.... Oh well.... I'll stay out of trouble and just watch them drink a few beers and let loose. I'm normally not the designated driver, or the designated "non-drinker" but I will take one for the team....

Nothing new to report, except the headache. It sucks. I'm thinking a good nights sleep and a lazy Sunday should do the trick of making it go away..... I hope. Meanwhile, I got a lot of bows to make so I can clean my office up and put a bed in there for the cuz.

Ta-Ta

Chemo # 7...lots of visitors

2010-09-08T19:46:00.000-05:00

One of my childhood friends, Lisa, came with me today to my chemo. She used to be my neighbor when I lived with my mom, but we were never close. FB and a mutual friend from Jersey reunited us by accident. Turns out, she was moving from Ohio to my town last Thanksgiving, so we've re-connected and realized we have a lot more in common than we had all those years ago in grade school. So, it was a fun day. We are both talkers, so there was not any down time.

This is a close up by accident, but I liked the way we both looked so I posted it too.

This is a picture of me getting my weekly "drippings" with my wig on.....

I finally got to meet Moni. She is one of my "big sisters" in this process as she is quite a few weeks ahead of me in the process. I was blessed enough to meet her through a friend at church and we have identical cancer, except hers is genetic, and mine is not. We are both triple negative cancers, stage 3. She had complete response to chemo, and when they did her mastectomy, they told her that was very rare, so I am holding out hope that I have the same results also. We decided to take bald pictures together....because the opportunity is not around for that often...and we are both totally cool with a bald/short hair head.... I think we both rock it out bald (even though she's not technically bald anymore, she has short hair)...... She's is beautiful, inside and out and I have enjoyed our FB chats, our family feud war, and all the tips and advice she's given me along the way.

Pre- "wig stripping" picture....

Another picture of my drippings, but sans wig. (apparently I was looking up too far to take the "self portrait" so my head is very wrinkled....that's not normal...just for the record...)

I also got to chat a little bit with Shawna, Logan's mom. She was there getting Logan checked in for her last treatment (fingers crossed). Logan was enjoying coffee with her Dad, so it was just Shawna, but super sweet that she dropped by to say Hi. I always love that I can have my little support group that has actually "been there, done that" and can relate to my conversations. It's so funny that we can just quote these long names of our chemo regimen like it's a Bible Verse or something. It took me forever to learn Guafenesin, and I'm still working on the correct pronunciation of that phenylketonurics.....but gosh darn it, I can tell you what FAC stands for in one breath....

So, lots of visitors, a great nurse, and over all, another awesome visit at the magical MD Anderson.

I kicked butt, as usual....don't expect any side effects, and I will fight them off if I do. So, I won this round too. Still score of Taxol: ZERO, Tiffany: 7 !!!!

Ta-Ta for now.

It can't come fast enough....

2010-09-05T22:27:00.004-05:00

I go for a scan on September 20th. At that time, we will see what 8 rounds of Taxol has done to the tumor. I am anxiously awaiting this date because I can tell it has been shrinking, but not sure how much. When my journey first started, I had a golf ball size lump that protruded a little bit out of the side of my right breast. It has now subsided somewhat, and I think quite significantly, but not sure exactly how much. So, I wait and wait. I'm anxious to see if all this chemo and all the extra stuff I've been doing is actually working....

Well, obviously SOMETHING is working, but to what extent?

As for chemo, I am amazed and surprised at how well I'm doing. It all came clear the other day as my friend pointed out that the first 2 rounds were the only rounds I really had side effects. That was when I started on the nutrients, and added the wheat grass to my daily regimen. This stuff helps your cells communicate, and if the cells can communicate, and with the right nutrients, your body can heal itself. So, in combination with the chemo, there is NO WAY IN HELL that something hasn't worked, and the fact that I can physically feel it working is my proof and my incentive to keep up the good work. Believe me...the morning smoothies are NOT appetizing, so choking them down every day is quite a chore.

I am usually tired on Thursday- Sunday and I am proud to say I only took a nap today. I probably could have taken one on the other days, but I was ok without it. My tummy has felt fine, and I'm actually getting out more and my anxiety has leveled out a lot. I usually only go to church for the first part, and by then I'm ready to go home to nap......today I made it through Sunday School AND "big church" as we call it. I think people are surprised when I say "I'm feeling great" because of all the pre-conceived notions of how people react to chemo. I drop my kids off at school every day, and pick them up...I go to the gym every chance I get....I chase a 2 yr old all day long...and I'm doing hair bows here and there. I cleaned my entire house Friday with only a little help from Chris, and cooked spaghetti for 20 people and cupcakes too! (WITH NO NAP!!) I'm sleeping well, I'm sleeping solid, and I'm energized when I wake up (after my initial 20-30 minutes of "wake up time").

I honestly feel like aside from being bald, I have no reminders that I have cancer. Especially stage 3, triple negative breast cancer. Seriously, you'd never guess it.... unless you see me bald and wearing a scarf or bandanna instead of my wig.

So, things I get to brag about from cancer......
1. I haven't shaved my legs in over a week and they are still smooth as a baby's butt!!
2. I haven't shaved my armpits in 5 days and they are still smooth.
3. I can shower and get ready in 20 minutes or less, with full makeup!
4. I don't have "bad hair days"
5. I haven't plucked or waxed my eyebrows in about 2 months and they still look newly waxed.
6. I don't have to wear a headband to keep my hair out of my face when I wash my face at night, nor do I have to hold my hair back when I brush my teeth and spit.
7. I am saving lots of money on shampoo, conditioner, shaving cream, and razors.
8. I am 3 days late on my period, and I'm thinking maybe I won't have anymore. (I'm not really sure when this was supposed to kick in, but I was told that I would be going through early menopause at some point during treatment. I usually get severe cramps for 2-3 days before, and they aren't here....so maybe I'm done??? Don't really want to speak too soon though)
9. I have an excuse for not having a tan, and for gaining a few lbs.
10. Not only am I allowed to take naps, I am URGED to take naps.....

So, there you have it...my top ten list for "ha-ha, I have chemo..."

I am sitting here staring at my husband over the top of my laptop, and he looks delicious. So, I gotta go....... ☺

Ta-Ta!!!

What a day....WHAT A DAY!!!

2010-09-02T21:30:00.000-05:00

So, the day after Chemo.... I managed to get 6 hours of solid sleep. Not bad, but I still needed a nap at some point today, I just knew it after what was in store for this evening. I got up at 4am, laid in bed for a bit until Chris woke up. Took care of Chris and the kids, got him off to work, and got the kids ready for school. Then I took a quick shower. Have I mentioned that I don't have to shave that often now, so my showers are QUICK! Anyways, back to my day.... dropped the kids off at school, headed to the gym and did my 5K practice run. I didn't think I'd be able to do it because I've only been to the gym 3 times since school started back up, and I took the whole summer off. It's only 3.1 miles, so I got it done in almost 50 minutes flat. (here's my proof!) Also, one of me AFTER my workout. I know, it doesn't look like it, but I did break a tiny sweat. I try and try and the only time I break a sweat is if I work out HARD outside... I did wipe a bit from my brow before I snapped the self portrait with my iPhone... which explains all the blurry-ness and bad lighting... I just figured it would be kind of weird carrying a camera into a gym..... LOL

I ran some, walked some, and I did a hill program because I'm not sure if there are hills in Downtown Houston. I turned on my iPhone and basically ran one song, and walked one song and tried to time it so I was walking the tall hills and running all the rest. So, after my cardio was a success, I went and did a few weights and got Grayson from the daycare there at the gym and headed to the grocery store. I always enjoy doing our weekly grocery shopping with a kid in tow...((being SOOO sarcastic). 1 hour later, we were FINALLY headed home after a muffin and chocolate milk bribe. On the way home, I turned a corner too fast and a glass bottle of pineapple juice toppled over and landed on the glass bottle of apple juice and shattered and spilled all over the back of my car. So, once we got home, I had to vacuum up all that mess, wash the carpet saver mat thingy, and put the groceries up. Then, I finally made Grayson and myself some lunch and put him down for a nap (and then got to eat my cold lunch while I paid a bill and balanced the checkbook). By this time, it was 2:30 so I knew a nap was out of the question because I leave at 3:30 to go get the kids from school. So, I jumped in the shower AGAIN and showered off all my sweatyness from the gym, and noticed the bathroom counters were in need of a quick scrubbing. So, I scrubbed those, finished doing my makeup, and grabbed my wig. (It was raining and it takes FOREVER for a wig to dry, so I knew I didn't want to put it on until we were in the car. Grayson woke up just in time to put his shoes on and we headed out the door. (I put my wig on once we got in the car)

I picked up the kids from school and came back home. Made the kids clean the playroom while I washed the kitchen counters off, emptied their lunch kits and put up shoes. Then, 30 minutes from when we got home, I had to load them all up and drop Kaylee off at dance. We drove back home and I packed us all a "lunch-dinner" to eat in the car. Headed back to dance to get Kaylee, ate our lunch-dinner and waited for her class to let out. Then, we all loaded up and went to Grayson's preschool for Meet the teacher night. (He finally starts preschool next week so I'll have 2 WHOLE.DAYS.OF.ALONE.TIME) We met his teacher and left and got home just in time for the kids to go to bed. WHEW......

So, during all of this, Chris was helping his Granny move and it HAD to be today, of all days. (That's a Saturday story that won't get shared publicly, but it was a tense, stressful situation that had my anxiety levels all up in all sorts of you-know-what)

Less than 24 hours after chemo, 6 hours of sleep, NO NAP, 2 showers, a good day at the gym, lots of errands and chores, and a night of "single mommy" left this girl TIRED and DRAINED! Tomorrow doesn't look any better. We are throwing a "small" family Birthday celebration (keeping it low key and not inviting all our best friends) for Brayden, who turned 5 this week, so I gotta tidy up a bit, vacuum, make cupcakes, spaghetti for 20 (I have a HUGE family....my parents had 7 kids, and we weren't catholic... they just didn't get a TV in their room until the last kid was born...) and go get the kids from school.....all by 3:30....I see no nap in my future for tomorrow either. Do you think I deserve to sleep in on Saturday? I DO!!!!!! I just hope hubby agrees.

I'm not saying all of this to brag...I'm CERTAINLY not a super-mom, but this is a usual day for Tiffany, the Stay-At-Home-Mom to 3 little people who keep her busy.....even when Cancer strikes....

Now, I'm off to bed....and again, It's almost 10pm.....

The first counseling session....

2010-08-30T19:56:00.000-05:00

We had our first counseling session today. It was with a wonderful guy at our church who does Christian counseling for a living, but works for the church on the days he's not in his private office. Let me say, we were a little scared of the unsure.... We weren't sure what he would ask us, or really what we would get into. He deals mostly with crisis and family situations.

There were a few tears shed and a few tough questions. Like "what is your prognosis?" to which I answered "I don't know...they won't tell me" which then brought up "What do you think will happen?" and I answered "I know I'll be OK. God has already healed me, it just might take a yr for it to show up on the medical equipment. Between prayer and the chemo, my tumor is already shrinking, I just don't know how much until I get my next ultrasound". But, after talking with us for over an hour, we walked away with this:

"Y'all are awesome. Your marriage is very strong. I love that you can laugh about your situation. I love that you don't have fear. Fear and Faith are often equal in our lives and you both have chosen to let Faith be your option instead of Fear. You are doing a great job with the kids, answering their questions with just what they ask and nothing more, and answering honestly."

He was very shocked at my attitude and strength during this whole situation. Most people let fear consume them and focus so much on the negativity surrounding the word "cancer" and I showed nothing but the opposite. He loved that because I am not able to scrapbook right now, I am at least keeping a blog so that "just in case" my children will always have something FROM me about this journey, followed quickly by "but I think 20 to 30 yrs from now, you'll look back on these moments and laugh about them and reflect on them in a positive way". He agreed that laughter was the best medicine and he loves that we are able to laugh about it all. He liked my poker hand analogy a lot.....about how I have a hand of 4 aces and a King high....How can I not go all in and win?

He was amazed and humbled by Chris' strength and ability to just come home and pick up the pieces and fill in where I can't. He loves that he is focusing on me and the family and not turning his back out of anger or resentment. He actually told Chris that in the future, he feels like he could be a HUGE positive reinforcement in other men who need to "man up" in certain situations and he could teach them a thing or two.

He asked if we were mad at God. Of course, we answered honestly...."we are not mad at Him. He did not give me this sickness. He did know about it before I was even born though, because he knows every hair on our heads before we are even created. He knew I was going to have this fight, and He knew exactly when it needed to happen. I needed that big red stop sign on June 29, 2010! I needed the summer to get all the testing done. He already knew when it was going to happen, and he was able to control the events all leading up to it and the pieces all fell together in perfect timing....in HIS timing." (he was speechless) He said I am going to be a HUGE testimony and a HUGE influence in the future.

We are still not sure why us....why me....why now... and we may not ever know. We haven't really asked those questions since the first day of my biopsy. But, we are using this time to allow God to teach us what it is that we need to be taught, and allowing God to use us in whatever way he needs us in order to be completely drawn to Him and totally in love with Him. Whatever mission is ahead of us, we are ready to accept the task and succeed.

When asked about my fears....Death is the only fear I have. It used to be Death and Cancer, but now only death scares me. "Scared of dying or scared of leaving your children?" Both, but mostly of leaving my children too early and not having enough time with them. That's why we are taking our situation one treatment at a time and not looking into the future. Only God knows the future, and until that time comes, there is nothing we can do to change the outcome. He already knows the outcome, and I believe in my heart and I have Faith in Him that I will walk away cancer free and with no relapses!

We already know that we have drawn ourselves nearer to Him during this and we have put more Faith in Him than we EVER have. With everything we went through with Grayson, we thought we had learned our lesson.... to not take anything for granted and to enjoy every moment with every special person in our lives. But apparently, there is a new lesson to be learned. We don't know exactly what it is yet, and we don't know when or if we will ever know the exact reason for all this, but what we do know is that TOGETHER, WITH THE HELP OF GOD, WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

All in all...we are doing GREAT! It was nice to hear from someone who didn't know us before we walked in the door. He really didn't need to offer us any "advice" per-say, just told us to keep up the good work. He was really impressed with our attitude, strength, our marriage, and our Faith.

I also learned something about Chris today that I never knew in our 10 yrs of marriage. I won't go into details publicly, but WOW....he almost shed a tear. (For those who know him, that is a HUGE feat for him to overcome....he has never cried in front of me)

So, there is our confidential counseling session cliff notes version. Haha. I really am a good secret keeper, but I think there were a few things that I haven't touched on before in my blog, so I figured...what the heck...why not. It's all public, and I'm glad that I get to share my journey publicly and help someone else who needs to hear that laughter is the best medicine, and if you have Faith in God, you have everything, because with Him, nothing is Impossible...

I'll leave you with the 2 scripture verses and 1 positive breast cancer note on my 3 new bracelets (Thanks Megin, Lisa, and Amy)

2 Corinthians 12:10 ~ I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Phillipians 4:13 ~ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Healing Ribbons, Have Faith, Nothing is Impossible, Expect Miracles. (I love the "Expect Miracles"...don't just pray and ask for miracles...EXPECT them)

I wear these 3 bracelets on one arm every day, and on the other arm are my 2 pink bracelets ("Cancer Sucks" and a pink ribbon bracelet) and my Pink ribbon watch.

I love them all, and they are all so encouraging on my journey that I can't just pick one...so I'm all jewelried out....(is that even a word? Oh well...it is now)

Ta-Ta for now.....Enjoy! and as Bon Jovi would say.... "Keep the Faith!" Hahahaha

I figured out my pattern...

2010-08-28T19:15:00.000-05:00

Wednesday's chemo was easy-breezy. (come on, you know you're singing "....beautiful...cover girl") I have finally figured out my rhythm and patterns to my side effects. Even though minimal, I do get a few.

So, here goes:
Wednesday: Chemo day....WIRED, chatty, and can't sleep well, even after sleeping pills.

Thursday: TIRED and can't usually sleep much because....I'm a Mom first, and I have kids.

Friday: EVEN MORE TIRED because I still haven't caught up on my 3-5 hrs of sleep from
Wednesday night, even though I nap when Grayson does. Headaches start to set in on Friday night. Toe tingling and numbing sets in.

Saturday: ACHY knees, achy joints, and sore neck. (Probably from holding up this big ol' head of mine) I get exhausted easily and can only handle about 4 hours of errands, or fun time before needing a nap. I also get a little irritable on this day. Not bad, but probably because I'm tired and cranky and don't feel like "myself". Headaches become a little more intense. Toe tingling extreme. Can't feel my toes usually and my toenails hurt.

Sunday: TIRED...TIRED....TIRED.... I can't say it enough. It's all I can do to muster up enough energy to go to church, and after Sunday School..... I am ready to go home and nap the day away. Headaches start to go away, and joint pains start to go away. Toe tingling is minimal.

Monday and Tuesday are my 2 "normal" days. Repeat process.....

Also, in case any of you are curious......LOSING HAIR MAKES YOUR FREAKING HEAD HURT!!! Yes, I know...yelling (in caps) doesn't make it any better, but I do feel better now saying it. I can't even explain the feeling. It's not like "pre-cancer" when I would lose a few strands, or even after I gave birth and lost quite a bit. My scalp feels like my hair has been in a ponytail ALL DAY LONG and hurts. Then, the little stubblies that are left are poking my head and whether I wear a scarf or my wig, they poke me. If I lay down (like to take that much needed nap) it hurts even more. It feels like I'm laying on a porcupine. Night caps, and I'm not talking about a shot glass of liquor before bed kind of night cap, the hair loss nightcaps.......they don't help. I've tried that. It also just hurts to touch my head. It feels like I'm poking a jello mold or something. My head is soft and mushy, but then prickly and hard at the same time.....I know that doesn't make sense unless you've lost your hair to chemo before. I just never knew it actually hurt to lose hair....it's dead already...that makes no sense to me.

I made it back to the gym this week! YAY! I only went 2 days, but it is a start. I actually RAN on the treadmill Thursday...the day after chemo. Not for a long time, but I RAN....at 5.0 speed ON AN INCLINE of 5.0 ....so who cares for how long...right? (it was over 5 minutes....just not gonna say how much over 5 minutes) I also did enough weights that I actually made my abs sore....(which needed it BAD). I guess you could say I'm "in training" for the Susan G Komen race on October 2nd, so I gotta keep it up so I can do the whole 5K without getting too winded....or throwing up, or passing out. HAHAHAHA (Hope my team is ready.....)

♥ We celebrated our 10 yr anniversary last weekend. I have the best husband in the world. He is really freakin' awesome and does so much for our family. I don't think I'd have half the strength I have today if it weren't for his big shoulders to cry on, or his muscular arms to pick me up when I'm falling down. We have so many memories, so many laughs, and so many fun times together. I'm so glad he chose me, and I'm so glad I said YES! ♥♥ Happy Anniversary Babe! ♥♥

Finally, this picture CRACKED me up so I had to share.... my friend Amy sent me a box of goodies and this hat was in it. Grayson (my 2 yr old) put it on and was wearing it around the house, he WANTED me to take his picture and was so proud of his hat. But....I had a friend come over later that day, and I told him to go answer the door with his hat on....he looked out the window next to the door, stripped off the hat and threw it down before he answered the door....he was embarrassed because the friend had her (7 and 9 yr old) daughters with her..... it's already starting...

I know....He is beautiful!!! ☺ He melts my heart. ♥

"TEAM TIFFANY" SHIRTS ARE AVAILABLE TO ORDER! BE SURE TO PLACE YOUR ORDER BY CLICKING HERE.

RAFFLE TICKETS ARE AVAILABLE TILL SEPTEMBER 23. WYMAN GORDON IS RAFFLING OFF A 42" FLAT SCREEN HDTV. TICKETS ARE $20 EACH OR 6/$100 . EMAIL ME IF YOU WANT ANY.

SUSAN G KOMEN RACE FOR THE CURE IS OCTOBER 2ND. JOIN MY TEAM AND WALK, OR MAKE A DONATION TO THE SUSAN G KOMEN FOUNDATION BY CLICKING HERE. ANY AMOUNT IS ACCEPTABLE. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE $25, YOU CAN DONATE $10 IF YOU WANT..... I'M HALFWAY TO MY FUNDRAISING GOAL!

Ta-Ta for now....